Pea spillers, nudists and what to do about them

4/19/2010 05:10:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich /

Gordon Brown looks towards the centre ground, Sarkozy
to the far right while Arsene Wenger wishes he was in Wigan

In real terms this football season has actually been a good one for Arsenal in, to coin a Tony Blair phrase, "its totality." If one compares it to pre-season expectations and when one considers the brutal series of injuries endured, this is been an exceptional effort from our diminutive squad. Most of the talk in late July and early August from the football media and Arsenal fans alike was of a finishing position somewhere south of the fourth Champion's League place.

The football supporter's outlook is a fickle and shallow one though. A team is only as good or bad as it's last 90 minutes - Arsenal therefore in the eyes of even the most partisan Gooner, are shit. The disappointment of being humiliated by Wigan has caused me to hark back to a post I prophetically composed back in August with the explicit intention of helping me overcome this fickleness and sense of utter exasperation - Comedy of Errors.

The disappointment I feel is not for the lack of trophies, it's in seeing Arsene Wenger's principles, integrity and footballing philosophy take yet another carpet bombing from the uncultured, xenophobes that pass for the informed media in this country.

Not content with burdening Arsene Wenger with obligations to receive as guests the most heinous brace of cunts recently in Gordon Brown and the evil midget Sarkozy - the Gods have once again left his season fallow while that foul mouthed odious pea spiller* Ferguson will probably luck box his way to another title.

Ferguson laughing at a racist joke and spilling peas everywhere yesterday

This injustice in our football shares some worrying parallels with our politics. For the same reasons Alex Ferguson is praised, we may now be in danger of extending to Nick Clegg some influence on how the country is run and God help us when that happens.

At least with Ferguson, his influence and consequential damage is restricted to football. Clegg can do some real harm to our futures and seriously accelerate the end of this very nation. In the space of one 90 minute debate he's suddenly been transformed from the leader of a crack-pot band of europhile, eccentric, liberal, lentil-eating nudists with no chance of ever winning anything, to the leader of a crack-pot band of europhile, eccentric, liberal, lentil-eating nudists with a serious chance of at least forming a coalition Government. This is terrifying absurd stuff.

All those people who are now considering voting for this lot on the strength of one debate, of course know absolutely nothing about Nick Clegg or his party's policies. Sit a potential Lib Dem voter down, shine a bright light in their face and ask them exactly what the Lib Dems' policy is on any major issue and you'll get a blank stare.

They will vote for him simply because he's not one of the other two. No depth, no substance, no looking at the bigger picture, no actual knowledge or appreciation of the consequences of being so naive....just monkey see monkey do. A most insidious herd mentality that is surely all the justification we need to abandon democracy.

Not only do I want Arsene Wenger to carry on as Arsenal manager, he'd be my choice as Fascist Dictator. Look what he's done for Arsenal in thirteen years. Back in 1997 - ironically when Blair took over as Prime Minister - Arsenal were only just a bit better than Spurs. Fast-forward thirteen years and Spurs have beaten Arsenal only twice in 28 games and the Arsenal are now one of the most respected teams in the whole wide world, while Tottenham are still the horrible cunts they always were.

Meanwhile in the same period of time under the banner of democracy, Tony Blair and his Labour Party has managed to reverse this process of growth and prosperity in two entire countries. Britain and Iraq have both been destroyed by one man in a little over a decade. He has in effect taken two Sovereign nations and turned them from Arsenal into Tottenham. That's an astonishing feat even David O'Leary would struggle to emulate...all in the name of democracy.

Democracy is bollocks, it's as over-rated as Harry Redknapp and about as healthy. It doesn't work if the people who are voting have only read four books between them. Football can be dismissed as just nonsense, politics unfortunately must be afforded a greater level of respect.

Let us bear in mind that it is entirely possible that Gordon Brown could continue as Prime Minister even if Labour receive the least amount of popular votes in this election. He is an unelected leader of the Labour Party, an unelected Prime Minister and after losing the only election he's ever involved himself in, could still remain as PM even if he loses should there be a hung Parliament - in fact he must now feel his best chance of remaining as Prime Minister IS to lose. Meanwhile he is subordinate to the European President anyway who is also unelected.

Democracies I shit 'em.

And let's also not forget that it's only a democracy that could ever give Nick Clegg, a Dutch, Russian, nudist, ex-banker, who cooks his sausages in olive oil, a shot at being the Prime Minister of a nation who not so long ago presided over an Empire spanning a quarter of the globe.

If he gets anywhere near Number 10 then that is absolutely the end of this country as a Sovereign nation. The final chapter. Busto. If he has his way, before the decade's out we'll all be forced into homosexual relationships out of sympathy for the gay community, we'll all have to eat croissants for breakfast and our armed forces disbanded and sent for counselling to deal with their anger management issues, babies will have to wear yellow and the Battle of Britain will no longer be allowed to be shown at Christmas.

Britain will be systematically erased from the history books 1984 style and within a few generations we really will be speaking German, the only positive from this of course is the Yanks will have to find some new come-backs.

PLEASE I implore you Lib Dem potential voters...this is not Pop Idol....if you are seriously considering voting for a man who feeds his kids Quorn burgers - a tasty alternative to meat - please please at least read his party's manifesto. Please try to understand what he wants to do to this nation and try to appreciate the irreversible damage it will cause.

If the wider implications mean nothing to you, consider if you're relatively well paid, how much tax you'll pay. If you thought your taxes were high now, you won't know the meaning of the word until Vince Cable's got his hands on your wages. And those taxes won't go towards public services. They'll go to help the good people of Estonia - they need Broadband too you know and the Greeks - someone has to pay for their curly shoes and homosexual cinema industry.

Always remember, there's no shame in NOT voting. The politicians try to guilt people into the ballot boxes. All those sacrifices from the World Wars they say, was so YOU could vote. Well no. NO NO NO. They fought so we could have a choice.

They fought so that if the names on the ballot paper made us physically sick we could simply stay at home out of protest; they fought so we wouldn't be frog marched to the polling stations and voluntarily forced to vote for a man in a bushy tash or nappy or else sent away for re-education.

Not voting is as valuable a right as voting. Don't let anyone tell you you can't complain if you didn't bother voting. It's only twats who say that, 'ooooh well if you didn't vote you can't complain about the state of the roads you know.' Fuck off.

Fact of the matter is you can't moan if you DID vote because that meant you were a party to this charade of a democracy. You were conned, you fell for it and it's because of YOU we're so fucked. Because of people insisting on voting, one of these three will be hammering the final nails into our great nations coffin within weeks. I hope you're satisfied.

Compos Mentis? Not the Foggiest and Nick Clegg: You REALLY want to vote for
this ménage à trois of political incontinence? Please just stay at home on May 6th -
if not for me, do it for the children.

*The term "pea spiller" is a blog phrase meaning someone uncultured with no social skills or sophistication. Someone you might see spilling their peas all over the place in a restaurant like Del Boy from Only Fools and Horses.


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