9/30/2007 06:18:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I had a dream last night about the Falcons Parachute Display Team. They do their training near me and as a wee child, it was between them and the Red Arrows as to what was the coolest thing God had invented (girls and Darwin I had yet to encounter).

Now then, they had this cool trick where they would stack themselves on top of each other - I don't usually find men stacked on top of each other exciting - anyways, I had a dream last night where I had a load of plastic falcon parachuter (ist?) toys and I threw them high in the air and to my amazement, these plastic chaps did the stacking trick as they slowly descended and I couldn't believe it. How the hell can little plastic figures stack themselves in the same way as real life chaps...I'm afraid to say I asked this question to myself after I had woken up.

I say I was awake, I was half awake, semi-conscious really, in my defense. So, I was scratching my head..not literally, trying to figure out how toys could organise themselves like this and I decided they must have magnets in their heads and feet which would cause them to attract themselves to each other. Which is giving me the giggles now, but is quite ingenious thinking for someone who was working with the same level of intelligence as those dudes who collect trolleys at supermarkets.

Then, almost immediately, I woke up fully and felt slightly embarrassed for myself.

I can't make this funnier either

9/28/2007 06:37:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Ha ha, silly Germans

9/28/2007 02:34:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

This maketh me laugh. When will the Germans learn that they are burdened with a dialect that makes all forms of communication other than nationalistic hysterical propaganda rallying incredibly difficult, nay impossible?

There are no German poets for example, romantic sweet nothings are impossible with such a brutal dialect; Say ich liebe dich in the mirror and see how contorted and angry your facial expression becomes.

I think rapping is the most amusing example of how the German language was only ever going to sound appropriate when stirring up religious and ethnic hatred. Read the English translation below, it's hilarious, what a boring story they're telling here. If I didn't have the translation though I'd assume they were a Neo-Nazi gang detailing how they'd solve the Jewish problem if it were up to them

hi Thomas hi all OK
it's friday again and it's this bar again
and I have to tell you what happened to me
now i see the future in a positive light because i'm an optimist
just a minute, what's going on i'll tell you straight
over the weekend i lost my heart
i met a young woman i really liked a lot
and on saturday at the disco i let the corks pop
she was sort of standin' there and we talked
and i invited her, since she reacted in a certain way
we had a lot of fun, laughed a lot and made a date
we met again and spent the afternoon together
we went to the movies, had another date
and did you take her out, hey it's the thing to do
she's so elegant she's also really something else
you really should meet her because i find her very charming

is it that one there, the one standing by the entrance
or the one there who stole your heart
is it the one there with the heavy sweater on man
no it's the one who can't on friday

congratulations Smudo ra ra ra
you can be sure that i'm happy for you
i'm happy myself and in case you're interested
something quite similar happened to me this weekend
it was sunday and i was drinking tea at a café
and when i saw this pretty creature standing at the counter
i went up to her and ordered tea for her
well i admit i pretended i had some money
but it all went smoothly, what do i have to worry about
because we're talkin' and we make a date for the day after tomorrow
and i wanted to take her to the movies but instead we went out to eat
because she had already seen the movie i thought it was appropriate
to take her to a restaurant, private booth with candlelight
hey of course she didn't have to pick up the check
but she still told me that we're going together
and since then i've been waiting to see her again

is it that one there, the one standing by the entrance
or the one there who stole your heart
is it the one there with the heavy sweater on man
no it's the one who can't on friday

yeah Thomas the two of us have a lot in common
since last weekend the two of us are no longer alone
if you're together with her hey I planned
as soon as possible to get together with her
have fun but there's something that occured to me
why do i have to give her presents all the time
who are you telling that i'm broke again
but my girl now has new clothes in her closet
hey she came to see me recently with a new outfit on
and i was wondering how she could afford that
and i'm free on friday and she's not there
just a minute Smudo there's mine

is it that one there, the one standing by the entrance
what it is is the one there i'm talking about
what the one there and who's this guy
i think that's why she can't on friday

Can it be true?

9/27/2007 07:02:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (3)

While eavesdropping on a conversation today I picked up a tip for cooking sausages that I'm not convinced can really produce a perfectly cooked banger. Apparently, you put them in a pan, cover with water and boil them. Once boiled, turn off the heat, cover the pan for about 10 minutes then drain them off and pop them under the grill until they look all brown and yummy (his words not mine).

Can this be true? Boiling sausages? Have you heard tell of this? Sounds suspiciously like something the French would do to me. Someone give it a go and get back to me.

Ok, it's late, I'm a little tired, but what the f*ck is going on here then?

9/27/2007 01:50:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

The war in Iraq, depending on which Government you listened to, ours or the USofA's, was being fought because Saddam Hussein was an evil nasty brute of a man who treated his own people like shit, gassed them, tortured them and quite frankly, the world can do without him. OR..as Tony Blair insisted, because he was a danger to the world what with his arsenal of apocalyptic weapons.

Now that it's been established that he had no chemical weapons except some rather pungent moustache creams, our Government have adopted the stance that we also invaded because of his treatment of his own people. OK whatever,..I'm exhausted from it all, I believe you. Fair do's. A nasty horrible regime finished with. High-five to our respective Governments.

Now then...since we have such an aggressive, confrontational approach to such regimes, I can only assume we'll be sending something in the region of 50-100,000 troops to Burma in the next couple of weeks to sort out their Military Junta who appear to be on the brink of slaughtering some cute little peaceful monks, yes? I hope so, because this looks to me to be on the verge of something akin to the Tiananmen Square massacre...only this time it's worse, ...much much much worse.

Tiananmen Square was about slaughtering a bunch of mouthy students weren't it..bah...let's face it, if the Metropolitan Police starting firing tear gas and tazering a bunch of freshers in silly baggy jumpers in Trafalger Square, most of whom hadn't done a hard days work in their lives, we'd all be praising the rozzers and laughing our heads off.

These are Buddhist monks though. If it were Christian monks in silly brown robes I wouldn't give a shit. I have no time for religions as a rule, but Buddhists are different. It's not even a religion really, cause religions are just excuses to have wars (right on!)...Buddhism appears to be about sitting on your head for weeks on end and learning how to fly and float and turn yourself into a butterfly and so on. So, I'm sorry Burmese Military Junta, but you can't slaughter a people who's only purpose in life is to awaken from the sleep of ignorance on the way to perfect enlightenment and who burst into tears if they accidentally squash a beetle.

So what are we doing and what are Burma's neighbours doing about this? China, who are best mates with this Miltary Junta, would obviously love nothing more than dust off their tanks and roll into the place and squash everything, especially when it's more students and a bunch of monks in bare feet and bed sheets who have nothing but prayers to fight back with, but they're busy trying to fool everyone into thinking they're human and until the Olympics are over, this charade should continue.

India are still celebrating their cricket 20-20 world cup victory and will be for quite some time so no help there. America and the UK will issue statements about how the Junta better jolly well end this peacefully or else....or else, well, sanctions by god...which will mean the population will starve,..see Iraqi civilians and their stone-age standard lifestyle during UN sanctions between the two wars. But sanction is all we can manage I'm afraid Monks, cause well, no one in their right mind would attack a country who had China as their best mate. Olympics or no Olympics, sorry, nope...not to save a bunch of monks who don't own oil.

All things considered, these Monks are on their own and I'm afraid this is, as an anonymous UN dude cautioned, "a perfect storm." I can only see this ending in the most appalling slaughtering of people since, well, since the last peaceful protest.

This is the problem with peaceful protests people...they are invariably protests against people who have no conscience or no sense of humanity or they don't recognise you as being human in the first place so you end up as just another National Geographic Documentary. I mean fair play for having principles, but well, you know, be alive too. I mean it don't make much sense to me to have so much respect for all forms of life including wasps, and yet not extend the same level of respect to your own life.

I think on this one occasion these Monks ought to put all that kung-fu and what not to use. What's the point in learning how to kick a tree down or turn yourself into a leopard, if, when those skills become useful, you're just gonna sit around chanting while thousands of you are mown down by a hail of bullets in five to ten minutes?

If this was a fair fight and the army dropped their guns and dooked it out, they'd have no chance, but of course, that would be silly, ....the rats. So Monks, if you can change into animals, on this occasion, change into rats also, and once you've given them a thrashing, change back into humans. No one will mind and no one will think any less of you or your small detour on your journey to enlightenment. Everyone gets lost on long journeys anyway.

Ah now then, Wendy James

9/27/2007 12:30:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (1)

I'm sorry suffragettes, I'm sorry Spice Girls, I'm sorry Amazons, but in my opinion, for girl power, you can look no further than Wendy James. It was because of her I realised there was more to life than Panini sticker albums and my penis was not for writing my name in the snow.

How I'd look if I was in the Simpsons

9/27/2007 12:13:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Quite a good likeness really.

Separated at birth?

9/26/2007 11:14:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Tee hee - a value bet if ever I saw one

9/26/2007 12:17:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

It's the way she tells them

9/24/2007 04:26:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (1)

Look at this,..this is Natasha Kaplinsky flirting outrageously with me while I respectfully attempted to discuss the chaos in Iraq. The first picture shows her desperate attempts to make me laugh with a string of racist jokes! She's asking me if I knew the one about the gay Arab and the Jewish paperboy and I'd had just about had enough of her by the time the second picture was taken.

She'd had one too many Sherry's by this time. I was talking about George W. Bush and his exploiting of the 9/11 attacks to pursue his own agenda and she's asking me why the Afghan Air Force are so easy to train. Apparently because you only have to teach them take off. She pissed herself at that one. I don't like it when people laugh at their own jokes and I told her so.


9/24/2007 12:51:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Well now, I like to make myself scarce on a Monday morning as I like to give my cleaner some space when she's tackling my filth and so I hole myself up in a coffee shop with a jolly good read and a coffee which comes in a bowl of sorts with a cup of Smarties.

On my way to said coffee place, not 100 yards from my front door, I was stopped by a man with a beard sporting a fluorescent bib with CENSUS written across the front. Nosey bastards was my initial reaction. It was too late to turn back and our conversation went something like this:

Bearded matey boy: Good morning, I'm conducting a survey on behalf of Oxfordshire County Council.

Me: Splendid

Bearded mateyboy: Can I ask you where you've come from?

Me: My house, just there.

Bearded mateyboy: What road is that?

Me: I provide him with this information.

Bearded mateyboy: And what town is that?

Me: What town? This one...where you're standing. I live there (I point at my house).

Bearded mateyboy: Silence...pencil poised over "Town" section of his form.

Me: My house is there, it's this town..er..do you know where you are?

Bearded mateyboy: No, I don't live here.

Me: Erm ok..it's Carterton. Did they not tell you where you were going when you agreed to do this?

Bearded matey boy: Nope, just got in the van.

Me: OK well, careful, that's what John McCarthy did, he was gone for years.

Bearded matey boy: Can I ask where you're going?

Me: Witney.

Bearded matey boy: Anywhere specific?

Me: The Fleece.

Bearded mateyboy: I'll just put "Centre and Recreation."

Me: Why did you ask me for specifics then?

Bearded mateyboy: Er..that's it thank you, have a nice morning.

Couple things struck me funny with this encounter. Why had he not bothered to ask where the council were sending him? And, he'd been there a while clearly, why had he not realised by now where the fuck he was? And why ask me specifically where I was going, if he didn't actually need to know? Just putting "the centre," seemed quite the opposite of specific to me. What if I had been a sexually deplorable whoopsie and was on my way to get my arse filled in a motorway service station toilet by a long-distance lorry driver or a politician? I'd have had to confess and feel ashamed only for him to just put "Wales" as my destination and "Recreation" as my purpose.

Finally, what will the council do with this information? They didn't need my name, age, height, sex, ethnicity or sexual preference. They just had my place of departure and rough idea of my destination. I need answers too damn it.

Erm.do they ship to the UK?

9/24/2007 03:22:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

This is advertised as the "Chinese Enema." Now I'm sure it's Japanese what with all the pictures of Bullet trains and Mount Fuji and looks like the sort of thing the Japs would have used on our POW's during the war..but who knows, with that ridiculous dialect how are humans supposed to tell the difference?

Anyhoo...they say the Chinese were the first civilisation or some such nonsense and fair play to them, they invented paper and gunpowder. But while we used paper for literature and education and gunpowder for bullets to invade and conquer and build the biggest Empire the world has ever seen, the Chinese used the paper to make silly kites and the gunpowder to make pretty fireworks and they spent their afternoons in their pyjamas running about laughing like school children at their pretty toys.

I think they're over-rated as a civilisation or as a species, whatever they are, and I think this proves it. I wouldn't mind giving it a go, but it's still a typically pointless waste of materials and water.

I knew it!!

9/22/2007 01:30:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Hilary Clinton is a lesbian.

She claims not to be, but man, she would say that. I knew it, I knew it, I f*cking knew it. Now it all becomes clear. I always said that she was indirectly responsible for Al-Qeada's growth. If Hilary wasn't such a frigid ice queen there never would have been a 9/11, there'd have been no war in Afghanistan and even though Iraq would probably still have been invaded, it might not have been such a mess afterwards because Bill Clinton wouldn't have gone around so frookin horny all the time f*cking everything in a skirt and gotten himself impeached. He even gave Dennis Rodman a rear goosing for f*cks sake.

You see now, if you recall the whole "Black Hawk Down" debacle in 1993 where a bunch of US Rangers and Delta Force "Elite" soldiers got their arses whupped trying to kidnap a few warlords hanging out in a saloon in the Bakaara Market in Mogadishu, Somalia. Clinton got it in the neck from everyone following the investigation into this most typical of US Army fuck ups because, unlike the present fuck up in Iraq, Clinton actually did withdraw his troops.

The American people saw US pilots and Army dudes being dragged through the streets by the Somali's and thought this jolly well wouldn't do and wanted the whole place leveled to the ground and quite right too...at this same time Osama Bin Laden was knocking about in Somalia and Sudan and various other places bombing embassies and assassinating Egyptians.

Why now did Clinton not send the troops back to bomb the place back to the stone age? Well, ok, it was already in the stone age, but I mean, why did he not finish off the Somali "problem" and Osama Bin Laden at the same time thus saving the world a war on Terror that promises to last for generations??...cause, he was about to be impeached for letting a plump package of an intern suck his cock, lick his balls and pop one of his cigars given to him by Castro, up her jaff and he didn't need anymore reasons to have his Presidency kicked into the long grass.

Now, it's fair to say, he may very well have done what any red-blooded male would do when a slut wafts her tits in front of his face, but, he's the fucking President, he can have anyone. The only reason he resorted to her and all the other mingers he's taken over the jumps, is because he was so starved of sex being married to someone who wouldn't give the fire a poke.

I read Hillary Clintons autobiography once and it's littered with nonsense about all the good "womens" causes she has fought for - which is just lezza code for, "I'm never happier than when I've got a hairy muff in my nostrils" - and the rest is just excuses and justifications for staying married to one of the worlds most rabid womanisers.

What was she doing when she should have been tonguing Bill Clintons ring-piece? Sitting in a fucking wig-wam somewhere with a peace pipe up her pertoose while her "sisters" recited Germaine Greer's The female Eunuch and ate hummus.

If she had done her duty as Bill Clintons wife, he would have never gone near Monica Lewinsky. He would have never have been impeached and he would have sent every spare member of America's armed forces to Africa and Bin Laden would have had a missile in the face.


If you've been refused credit before..

9/21/2007 04:39:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

..it's because you're poor. Either get some qualifications and a better job, or except the fact that you're a commoner and don't deserve nice things.

Try it yourself

9/21/2007 04:09:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I've got myself into a pickle or two in my life, but this effort from Branston is one pickle I'd happily succumb to on a daily basis, around lunch time. An extraordinary blend of yum and ooooh in a convenient squeezy bottle. It's hours of fun for the whole family.

Forget that last bit, I was thinking of scrabble.

Eeeek, it is true!!!

9/20/2007 01:33:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Mourinho now 1.01 on the exchanges. Frank Lampard first player to be told he was leaving and Harry Redknapp (Frank Lampard's uncle) found in the middle of the street outside his home in Hampshire, pissed as a fart laughing his fucking head off.

Harry Redknapp getting matched at 21 on Betfair.

Sure as eggs is eggs, Jose Mourinho has been scrambled

9/19/2007 11:07:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Probably bollocks, but it'll be funny if he has left. Speshly cause he's 20/1 at the moment on the exchanges to be next Prem manager to leave.

What? Am I still asleep or is this really happening?

9/17/2007 01:06:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

France have threatened Iran with World War if they don't cease their nuclear weapons programs? Erm...France? This is bizarre on several counts. First of all, do they even have an army? Has anyone seen them since they high-tailed it out of Paris in 1940? They're all probably still huddled in a barn somewhere in Bordeaux eating Brie and breaking wind.

Perhaps when they mean war, they mean, standing by while the British and American soldiers do their fighting while they eat sausage and drink wine in bunkers a couple of thousand miles away. I can't imagine the Iranians are shaking in their flip-flops at the thought of a French army homing into view stinking of Yves Saint Lauren and garlic.

Secondly, the demands here appear to be, either stop your development of nuclear weapons cause we don't want you starting a World War III, OR ELSE....er we'll start World War III. Bloody French, stick to cooking and playing Petanque, leave the logic to those of us who don't have cheese for brains.

I don't see what all the fuss is about anyway. So what if the Iranians have nuclear weapons? They can't fire them at anyone. Not without ending the world. Really, to launch one of those things is to begin the end of the world and no one has the stones to do that and no world leader according to my research is mental enough to do that. Bush would have already done it; Senior or Junior and Reagan for that matter, Reagan would have done it by accident when trying to call for the maid.

I mean reeeeally, the only way someone would voluntarily end the world is if, oh I don't know, if they thought that in doing so they would earn themselves a place in heaven or paradise or something. Like it would be a good thing to kill zillions of westerners in some sort of holy war, like it would make you a martyr or something and you'd be playing croquet with God on the beautifully kept lawns of paradise seconds after your body evaporated in a squish from the blast. That's the only way I could see a proper mentalist launching those things so I think we're safe enough aren't.....oh I see, shit, they do believe that...I see the danger now...ARGGHHHHHHH we're gonna die we're gonna die...somebody call somebody..

A picture says a thousand words..

9/16/2007 01:43:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

..and in this case, the word is f*ck.

OK, gloat over.

Poker gods shine on Hansen and Tottenham get shit on

9/15/2007 10:21:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I couldn't think of a punchy title for this entry, so I just went with a simple and to the point statement. I went to the smoke today - that's London in kids speak - to watch the World Series of Poker Europe main event. For those of you with an interest in this sort of thing, it seemed a badly run hash of a tournament, pretty typical of British organisation, only this one seemed to be the work of our over-weight cousins from the US of States.

Anyway now, Gus Hansen seemed to be doing rather well and perhaps if he is to succeed he'll be able to buy himself some new trainers cause the ones he was wearing had holes in them. In between hands he'd relay the betting patterns into his wee dictaphone in his hilarious native Danish tongue. Fleurggen de froogan hargen dazzen etc. Similar to Welsh with it's ridiculous sounding and phlegm producing throaty pronunciations, but not as threatening somehow.

Gods shining on Gus

In other news, Tottenham were given a hammering by the Arsenal ..again. Awful, awful people up there in Harringay and I think the sooner that whole borough is collapsed - preferably while they're all sleeping in their beds - and forgotten about, the better we'll all be, that's what I always say. My love for Cesc Fabregas is now boardering on the homo-sexual, but I am not ashamed. Oh no. I am not ashamed.

The End.

St Ledger

9/14/2007 05:24:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (3)

When it comes to horsey tipsters and classics you can do worse than follow Nick Mordin. Normal horsey races he couldn't spot a winner if it was licking his anus, but when it comes to classics, he is the man.

Also, if this tip is wrong, it's not my fault. So, Lucarno then - 4/1 still if you're quick.

$100m fine for McClaren for spying on Ferrari?

9/14/2007 05:20:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

How ridiculous. If you're gonna get fined $100m for spying on something, at least make sure you get your money's worth. What do you want to look at cars for when you could spy on the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders back at their hotel after their Christmas party? Gayers. Shit ginger manager anyway.

Silly science, you go girl

9/14/2007 04:53:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (1)

"If The McCanns Confess It Only Goes To Show They're Innocent"

By Fiona Carole Richard-Judy-Pearson-Deffefle-Smyth-Carlton-Phillips

AS if having to fly home via EasyJet was not hard enough for poor Kate and Gerry, they are now having to endure more diabolical speculation that they killed poor Maddy. Why? Because of new so-called 'DNA' evidence.

This is nothing short of ludicrous. I'm no forensic expert, but I happen to know that everyone has DNA. So how can we be sure it was Maddy's?

Well, apparently the latest crackpot theory is that some boffin in a Birmingham laboratory says it might be. How inappropriate to apply science to a situation of such raw emotion.

Are we expected to believe that the McCanns, who have touched everyone with their incredible sang-froid and poker-faced resilience despite the abduction and possible death of their daughter, could have done anything to harm sweet Maddy, just on the basis of cold, hard science? Why are these faceless ghouls in white coats playing with their test tubes and bunsen burners when their time could be better spent helping the poor McCanns, holed up in Rothley, Leicestershire, in their indefatigable hunt for their little girl?

I don't know what the doctors do in Portugal, and frankly I do not wish to know, but someone should tell the Portimao plod that British doctors aren't murderers. And before anyone cries 'Shipman', may I point out that there's an exception to every rule, and since Harold Shipman has already proved himself the exception to that particular rule, the McCanns couldn't have killed their daughter. If only the Portuguese police could apply such logic, they might have found Maddy by now.

My female instincts tell me that the McCanns are innocent, and I trust my female instincts far more than any foreign police force or hairbrained scientist.

The McCanns deserve respect and admiration for standing strong and continuing to insist that their daughter has been abducted in spite of a lack of supporting evidence and an uncaring Portuguese police force pre-occupied with solving crimes.

I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe the McCanns had anything to do with Maddy's disappearance, and I will continue to refuse to believe it even if they are convicted of murder in a court of law. Even if they confess, it will only be so they can get all of this nonsense out of the way and resume the search for Maddy from their police cells. Such a confession would only act as a beacon of their innocence and decency.

I'm sure I speak for everyone at dinner parties up and down the country when I say: 'Don't worry, Kate and Gerry, we believe in you and everything you say, except when you say something that isn't true just because it will help in the search for Maddy, who we know you couldn't have possibly killed.'

Shame on you, scientists."

A picture of love and innocence

Thank f*ck he didn't play Scrabble

9/13/2007 07:08:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Russian crazy man Alexander Pichushkin has confessed to killing sixty-odd people in a park in South Moscow. Apparently he wanted to kill one person for every square on a chess board. That's the kind of random justification for murder you just don't get in the west.

Here it's always a disturbed and abused childhood, or some psychological syndrome or some other nonsense, in the east though, brilliant...chess board motivated serial killing. I like snakes and ladders, but I'm not gonna kill anyone in the name of it. Tee hee, silly Russians.

Cold War II - at theatres of non-war near you soon

9/13/2007 05:57:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Hee hee, I know one shouldn't really joke about the apocalypse, but when you've got Vladimir Putin, topless in his fishing gear, nipples oiled and clutching his rod, trumpeting the "Father of all bombs," which the Russians claim to be four times more powerful than the weak Americans "Mother of all bombs," how can you not laugh? Gordon Brown I hear was about to unveil the second cousin of all bombs, but that seems a little pathetic now.

The boast is, that when this thing explodes, all life within a 200 mile radius or something, simply evaporates. Hee hee...but though, BUT, it's enviromentally friendly!!? Huh? Even the super-powers' war departments have gone green. This bomb will turn your whole countries population into mist, but, if by some miracle any of them survived, they'd have no fall-out issues to deal with and the trees will survive. Yay!

Perhaps I'm old fashioned, but I say, if you're gonna make attempts to wipe out a population, fuck the trees, just kill everything. What's the point of an environmentally friendly bomb? I blame that Anita Roddick woman for this sort of thing...nicotine free cigarette, alcohol free beer, lead free toys, cancer free mobile phones, ...all that natural living, where did it get you eh?? Dead at 64. Pfff.

Anyway, so it looks to me like Cold War II is on the horizon, and not before time. This whole war on terror shite was a direct result of the Soviet Union breaking up. Everyone was happy when there were two super powers. Soon as they drifted apart, Merca had no one to wage indefinate war against - George Orwell's 1984 stylee - and so they trumped up this who Alan-Queada dude, had hate hours and made sure every American can consider themselves a traitor if they didn't buy into the "war-on-terror" and various other verbs, concepts and non-tangible enemies...but then it turned into real war and I'm sorry but that's just not cricket.

Cold War II should return us to proper "war-without-war' and cool action movies. Lot's of topless posturing, but no actual fighting. I think we'd all prefer that. I'm backing the Russians this time. I laid America last time and lost big. I'm hoping this time for a reversal and to break even by 2015. People crictise Ronald Reagan for being a war wongering crazy man, and fair do's he did turn out to have a cracking case of Alzheimers, but the 80's were the best days of my life. A nice relatively easy war against the Argies, followed by non-war, one or two issues with the Irish, but the M40 wasn't completed in those days and so they never went near Oxford so who cares, and then of course, the cracking series of Back to Future movies. Is it asking too much to return to those days. Back to the Past, that's what I always say. And so on.

The End.


9/11/2007 09:37:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

What not to wear (on September 11th)

9/11/2007 07:18:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (1)

No doubt had Trinny and Susannah been at hand this afternoon to help me dress they may have saved me an uncomfortable, yet amusing confrontation by the cereals in the Co-op just now. In my defence, I hadn't dressed myself today with a view to causing offense, I simply donned the t-shirt that was at the top of the pile and well, I'll concede it was a little remiss of me not to appreciate how this may be construed by out over-patriotic and hysterically over-sensitive cousins from across the pond, but even if I had, I didn't expect to bump into Brother Jonathon in the Co-op on a Tuesday evening so probably wouldn't have chosen something less provocative anyway.

So, this is what I'm wearing anyhoo:

It's not a political statement really, not on my part, it's just a Rage Against The Machine t-shirt. It's the band's political statement, not mine...not really. I just like the band. And anyhoo, I love New York as much as the natives. I lived in that city, it's my favourite city in the whole wide world, I love it; more than I love chocolate eclairs as a matter of fact. I wouldn't want to offend those people. Did I not just spend the last week nurturing Anglo-Mercan relations?

This dude wasn't a New Yorker anyway, he sounded to me like a mid-western freak, the kind of Mercan who salutes the flag in the morning and bang on about us speaking German by now if it weren't for his Father or Grandfather saving our asses etc etc.

So our chat went something like this:-

Septic: "I don't appreciate your shirt sir"

Me: "What's that"

Septic: "Your shirt, I don't appreciate it, you know what day it is?"

Me: "Er, yeah, it's Tuesday"

Septic: "I mean the date, do you know what the date is?"

Me: "Oh I see yes, well, I'm afraid you're not in America now, so your opinion doesn't matter"

Septic: "Nice attitoood"

Me: "Fuck off Yank, you'd be speaking Japanese if it wasn't for us"

I didn't say that last bit, I should have though. I only thought of it when I got back to my car. Damn I should have said that. Silly Mercans.

Anyway..changing the subject, I've got a bullseye that says the McCann woman tops herself before October, Hermann Göring stylee. A final change of subject; the co-op are selling 400g of strawberries for £2. If that's not a bargain to end all bargains I don't know shopping. I became semi-erect when I saw that.

The end.

Yeeeeee haw!

9/09/2007 08:02:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (1)

Lllllllandwelllli lllllllllllledsewrjllll tea.

9/09/2007 06:25:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I just had another bath, a quicker one this time. I washed my hair with a coconut and honey shampoo that I found in my bathroom and conditioned it with ice shine Pantene Pro V. I've never felt so alive I don't mind telling you. Where my hair was once tired and dry, it is now alive, fragrant and shiny.

But anyway, changing the subject a little, I really think it's time the Welsh called it a day with this "language" of theirs. A joke's a joke I say. An elaborate generation to generation national hoax it may have been, but enough is enough.

I will concede it's one of the greatest ever practical jokes, to be able to keep it going for so long, but a hoax is only hoax if people know about it. Having one of the most sophisticated senses of humour in the world myself, I know how hard it is to fight the urge to take credit for a classic wheeze.

If I know anything about humour, the entire Welsh nation should by now, but itching to come clean. I bet every time they use that damn language, it's all they can do to stop themselves from pissing in their own pants. In many ways it's like the impossibility of the executing the perfect crime. It's only perfect if you don't get caught..but if you don't get caught no one will know or your nefarious genius. A classic catch 22, isn't it.

Speaking of the Welsh, I had occasion to visit stonehenge this week and in the gift shop they sold plush sheep! Granted there are sheep in the adjacent field to this somewhat pointless stone clock, but they're not unique to that area; Christ in women's clothing, there are millions of them just within a five mile radius of my chair. I think there are more sheep in this country than IQ points amongst the entire population of Yorkshire. Can it be that Yanks and Japs are so ignorant of English agriculture that they would assume sheep can only be found in that one field? I fear the answer is yes.

Now then, I'm going to put the kettle on.

I'm out now

9/08/2007 05:17:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

What causes wrinkles when you stay in the bath too long? I look like a Rhino's bollock. So anyway...more later.