WCOAP - Stud update

8/29/2008 11:14:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Although I did find time to have two lamb kebab things today, I also fared a little better in the tournament with 13th place finish - helped in some way by one outer-ing Alan - but eventually the blinds caught up with me etc etc.

The side events are now finished and the main event looms large on the horizon. In many ways this week has been like taking a good shit for myself; the side events sort of like the piss before what you're really there for, a great big poo and I hope to have two good profitable days on the pot this weekend.

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In other news John McCain has made an audacious move to oust the Democratic Convention from the Mercan newspaper front pages, and he certainly managed it by appointing some random fisherman's wife from Alaska as his running-mate.

Sarah Palin, not only does she only have something in the region of 18 months experience in Washington, a couple of years less than Barack Obama, which seems an incredibly bizarre choice considering their whole campaign to date has rested on persuading the Mercan people that Barack Obama is not ready to be President - she's also pro-life with a son who suffers from Down Syndrome so she's obviously as bereft of scruples and morals as John McCain. I think she's keen on banning anything that's a good time too. Pro-life but anti-living.

Some expert pundit dude said she'd have to put on 100 lbs just be considered a politcal light weight. She's been picked to appeal to all the hysterical divorcee and gay hairdresser Hillary voters, but all he's done is remind people on his 72nd birthday that he is old as fuck, riddled with several dormant cancers and has just appointed a completely unqualified person to sit in the second most powerful person in the world chair and who will replace him when, not if, he dies soon. Fun times.

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WCOAP update - Razz event

8/29/2008 01:43:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Er..I had a lovely lamb kebab thing just before the off. Really hit the spot.


WCOAP Update - Omaha event

8/28/2008 11:01:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Me just before the APAT gods banished me to poker purgatory

Now then people, I'm just about to head back to the Vic for the Razz event, but a quick report from last night's PL Omaha. I ended up finishing 9th, which was both surprising and disappointing.

Surprising as I'm really not good at Omaha, disappointing as they were only paying 7 places. I've put myself in the running for an APAT t-shirt though for Player of the series and I think in real terms this is worth way more than monies.

Meanwhile on the cash tables Alan was relieving Robo-Cop of his money at regular intervals.

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War of the Worlds

8/26/2008 03:25:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)


So it's the World Championships of Amateur Poker tomorrow people. We're starting with the Omaha event and I'll be honest with you, I'm not confident. In fact, by about 8pm I'm more likely to be at the Emirates listening to Steve McClaren shouting out instructions in his comedy Dutch accent than taking my seat at the final table.

I made an error last night at the Pigeons you see, I made an error which will haunt me forever more. I can't even bring myself to explain it, but it was so bad I may be on tilt for the rest of my life.

I consider Omaha to be my worstest game. It is not what the Doctor ordered as a means of catharsis. By the time the main event begins on Saturday I may have permanent psychological damage of Oskar Matzerath proportions. In fact I've just been out to the toy shop to buy a tin drum. If on Sunday you see me in an alleyway dribbling beating my drum it'll be best just to leave me to it.

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Haar Hitler

8/25/2008 06:31:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I'm not quite as on tilt now after seeing CJ from Eggheads sporting a Hitler barnet.

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Lord 'aw 'aw

8/25/2008 05:40:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)


Heavens to Mergatroid everything is putting me on life tilt at the moment. I've just now switched on the news as you do fixing to find out what's going on in the world, but no...all I get is ginger parasite Colin Moynihan prattling on about how successful team GB were in the Olympics.

The youngsters and non-English amongst you may not be aware of what a complete c*nt face this man is. The worst kind of pathetic no-mark politician and almost certain nappyphiliac. This is the man who during Italia 90 when he was Sports Minister noticed a Union flag displayed in one of the stadiums with the word BOLLOCKS emblazoned across it.

Subsequently, instead of having a giggle as any normal human being would do, he contacted his equally weaselly Italian counterpart and consequently England flags with any writing on them at all were banned from the semi-final game against Germany - undoubtedly the reason we lost of penalties.

No doubt he was so pleased with his days work he then went off to meet Pamela Bordes for a spanking session while wearing a nappy and burying his head in her cleavage smothered with mushy Farley's Rusks. Absolute bastard of the most unmarried parentsish kind. Total cunt.

As for Gordon Brown and Tessa Jowel with her pathetic 2012 logo t-shirt which cost £350,000 to design and still looks like Lisa Simpson sucking Bart's cock - why don't they fuck off and let the team enjoy their moment?

What in the name of Jesus and his lengthy beard has our medal haul got to do with Gordon Brown? I bet he spent his morning selling off school sports fields. He does that you know. Bastard. But there he is with his horrible evil false smile displaying his veneered false teeth gaargh...someone thrust a javelin through that mans throat before it's too late that's what I always say. He should be in his office figuring out how to stop all the knife stabbing bastards in this country not mooching about Heathrow trying to snog Rebecca Adlington Cunts, total total cunts and cuntesses. Bastards.

Finally did they really have to bother painting the nose of the plane gold? I mean really people, we did well and all, but that's a bit OTT no? I heard they had to find a special paint cause you get told off by the health and safety dudes if you use metallic paint on an aeroplane. They could have just given that money to me so I could buy a snakeskin jacket and matching boots.

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Heebie GB's

8/25/2008 01:32:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

You can't have a GB football team in the next Olympics can you please? No. Sepp Blatter doesn't like the idea of us competing as individual home nations in the professional game and as GB in an Olympics. Not sure what it really has to do with him, but why is this really a problem? It's only one competition.

They still do it in Rugby League do they not? The GB Lions still play occasional tours even though they retired a few years ago. Why can't a GB football team exist specifically for the Olympics? Sep Blatter along with politicians, lawyers and TV news dudes really put me on life tilt.

We can't have a GB team in the Olympics, not because of Blatter's gibberish reasoning, but because you'd have to pick Sunday league players or under 19 players and they'd be useless and we're taking a zero tolerance to losing approach to the Olympics now aren't we, like the East Germans used to do.

You won't be able to pick Wayne Rooney and his mates because Euro 2012 will take priority as will the 2012/13 football season which would be due to begin a week or two after the games closes and you know how badly these poor lambs need their rest.

Obviously this is none of my business as I'm a Mexican, but I'd also advise against appointing Ferguson as manager. In four years time he'll be in a home with Thatcher playing chess without pieces and laughing manically in the darkness. He's a crazy man. There were clear signs he was losing control of himself a couple of years ago when he shit himself in a traffic jam.

It's all academic of course if the Mayans are correct. We'll either have blown up or the mother ship will have arrived to take us all to a higher plane.

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Wrong un

8/24/2008 10:43:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Far too many plane crashes recently don't you think? Why oh why oh why are the news networks so desperate to air footage of the disaster and crash site? Why do we need to see it?

We don't of course, but so many of us have such a morbid fascination with this sort of devastation, the news dudes who are all in a ratings war with each other ,frantically scavenge as many gruesome pictures as possible from whom ever is willing to provide them and tape loop them. It's a close run thing who might win the morally bankrupt gold medal in the douchebag Olympics; news dudes, defense attorneys or politicians.

And rows and rows of people in body bags..why must we see this? I think there's some merit in showing coffins of soldiers as it goes some way to remind us and the Politicians that war is not something to fanny about with willy nilly...but plane crash victims really I don't need to see it.

I don't I don't. I've said my piece.

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Biden his time

8/23/2008 11:25:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I got a text message this morning at about 6am from Keesha. "Oh no he di-ent!! It's Biden," was all it said. I tuned into to CNN but they were discussing whether or not sweetcorn gives you cancer (it doesn't apparently).

Sure as eggs is eggs though the breaking news was scrambled all over the networks soon after. Barack Obama had indeed chosen a walking disaster as his running mate. Ill fated is as Joe Biden does. Heavens to Betsy just dissect his name:

'Bi' from Latin, earlier dui-, related to Greek di- ‘two.’ 'Den' from old Norse: dyn (noun), dysnja ‘disaster.’

Every twenty years or so something terrible happens to him and as fate would have it, his last personal nightmare was in 1988 when he suffered two brain aneurysms. He was running for President that year (gulp!) and during his campaign was even accused of plagiarising Neil Kinnock (gasp!).

I shit you not - Neil Kinnock!! Suspicions were first aroused in a speech highlighting Libya's sponsorship of terrorism when he referred to Colonel Gaddafi as "boy-o."

About twenty years prior to that his wife and daughter were killed in a car accident and as a ten year old poor Joe was relocated by his parents along with his sister and three brothers to Newcastle, Delaware. Newcastle is Newcastle where ever you are in the world, especially in Delaware. Poor lad.

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Biden is a Captain in the fake Army 0r National Guard - whatever they call it over there and serves in the JAG Corps. He was set to be deployed to Iraq in October, 2008. I'm sure that won't happen now and we can only hope that a disaster has been averted and the chain broken as he would surely have been blown to pieces or at least lost a leg or something during that tour.

Even if he is spared physical disaster, the opportunities for political disaster are plentiful with this selection. Biden encouraged Democaratic big chinned loser John Kerry to pick John McCain as his running mate in the last election!

How are they going to explain that one away? He told the country and anyone else who would listen earlier this year that 'Barack Obama was not ready to be President,' during the Democratic Presidential nominee debates when he himself was candidate! He voted in favour of the invasion of Iraq! He's a Roman Catholic! The list goes on and on.

If he weren't so obviously damned he'd be a great choice, but without question he has been forsaken. Even if the messianic qualities of Barack Obama can deliver him from his fate, they still have to overcome these very sticky political hypocrisies. I have faith in Obamarama and his audacity of hope...and of course John McCain will probably choose an equally questionable running mate in Mitt Romney who is a Mormon and thinks Jesus came from outta space,...but have laid Joe Biden in the "Next VP" market on Betfair all the same. I suggest you do the same.

An hypocrite with his mouth destroyeth his neighbour: but through knowledge shall the just be delivered. --Proverbs 11:9

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8/22/2008 10:50:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (1)

When I win the lottery I shall have statues like this one all over my extensive grounds which will never cease to amuse me.



8/22/2008 04:33:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I hate to keep harping on about what a tool John McCain is, but will be someone please tell him he is not John Rambo. This whole business about not knowing how many houses he owns has been spun by his campaign people into a lame attempt at guilt tripping anyone who might question his economic insight.

"John lived in one house for five and a half years - a prison!" reproached one his campaign dudes. Yeah so, but how many fucking houses has he got?

What the fuck has that got to do with anything? I'm sure by now everyone is fully aware that he was a prisoner of war in Vietnam. No one is doubting his bravery, although they should be doubting his competence. How did he get captured anyway? Was he really shot down or just forget where to land?

Anyone who has been through a traumatic experience has a certain amount of empathetic collateral that can secure them against future indiscretions, but it's not inexhaustible and I think he's close to using all his up. Eventually you have to stop banging on about it. Are you listening Israel? No I didn't say that..is that thing still on?

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8/21/2008 08:44:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

My people in Washington tell me Barack Obamarama is perhaps just hours away from disclosing who will be his running mate for the November elections. I've had a mole camped out at Peaches Beauty Salon on Pennsylvania Avenue and 12th street for the past six weeks and according to the rumours fed back to me his decision may cook up an indigestible soup of worry, danger and douchebaggery.

Forget the news blogs, if you want information go to a woman's hairdressers that's what I always say. They know everything. As far as rumourmongering and gossipping go, they're streets ahead of any media outlet and the proprietor of Peaches, Keesha Delfino, is the best.

I still think Barack Obama should be able to nominate the Cookie Monster as his running mate and still defeat John McCain who has so mentally eroded he can no longer recall how many houses he owns!

True that; he was asked by a reporter how many houses he owns and he couldn't remember! "I'm not sure," he befuddled "I'll have my staff get back to you on that." Does America want to trust a dude's opinion of the economy being "not so bad" when he can't even recall how many homes he owns? The world would have to blow up before he'd feel the crunch, for everyone else life is a little more frugal.

Anyways, evidently the short list comprises these three dudes: Joe Biden, Evan Bayh and Time Kaine. Uh-oh! Caroline Kennedy's remit here was to choose the perfect compliment to Obamarama's fresh but inexperienced approach to politics in Washington, but she appears to have selected three potential sexual douche-bags laden with old school Washington baggage and oak paneled closets filled with rotting skeletons.

One of Barack Obama's main advantages over the mentalist John McCain apart from not being a mentalist is holding the moral high-ground on the war in Iraq. McCain voted for it and is eager for it to continue forever and Barack Obama voted against it. This was also a key issue in his bitch fight with Hillary Clinton; she also voted for the invasion.

Joe Biden and Evan Bayh as well as being part of the establishment and therefore the antithesis of change, also voted for it. This will not only lose him the moral advantage he holds over McCain, it will irritate the Democrats who voted in Obama's favour over Hillary because of his anti-invasion stance.

This leaves Tim Kaine. Who? Exactament. Although the boy Kaine also voted against an invasion of Iraq he's a nobody, which is one of Barack's problems also to a certain extent. He's also Governor of Virginny and they haven't voted for a Democratic President since before Spurs were Champions.

While he may reverse this 50 year trend, he probably won't, and has very little use to the Obama campaign other than this. There's also a further issue with all three candidates. A delicate issue we don't like to talk about out loud at parties but which they yell from the balcony's of Peaches Beauty Salon. I think if you look at their pictures it's clear what the problem is:

Yes, clearly they all have sexual scandal potential. Just look at them. What price would you lay that they have all enjoyed extra marital affairs financed via their juicy expense accounts. John Edwards did it while his wife was dying of cancer, these dudes are of the same ilk simply because they're all profession politicians and it's part of their make up. It's what they do people. Especially the guy in the middle, look at him; heavens to Betsy I bet he's wearing womans underwear in that very picture.

There's two other candidates Barack ought to consider by my way of thinking. Bill Richardson because he's Governor of New Mexico and Barack needs the latino vote and also because he looks a bit like a game show host and kind of fun to be around and you know that's a vote winner. A huge percentage of the morons who voted for Bush admitted to doing so because they felt he'd be more fun to have a beer with than John Kennedy.

Bill compliments the "change" mantra of the Obama campaign perfectly. When did America ever elect a game show host? He's called Bill and finally he also did not vote in favour of an invasion of Iraq and has been very outspoken vis-à-vis the need for a complete withdrawal from Iraq.

One of Keesha's clients, Shoneese DaFranseen seems to think Richardson's ethnicity is a double edged sword however. He's the son of illegal immigrants and New Mexico is full of illegals also and the US of States population are almost phobic about Mexican immigrants. They'll let in Canadians by the dog sleigh load, but not Mexicans who are much cooler people. Weird eh?

This leaves one final candidate - Caroline Kennedy herself. Daughter of JFK and although she probably won't pick herself there's no reason why Obama can't.

Dick Cheney was asked by George Bush to select a Vice-President and he decided to pick himself so he could rule the world and so there's an irony in Caroline Kennnedy picking herself too.

She'll have the backing of all the hysterical Hillary women who as we speak are still sat around each other's living rooms crying and eating chocolate and mourning the lost opportunity of electing a sister as President and well, Caroline's father was rather popular and will forever be a liberal icon.

An Obama-Kennedy ticket seems to me to be the perfect match for a campaign centred on change and reversing America's journey to the dark side. I'm hearing Obama will enlighten us tomorrow.

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Judo is not a sport I'm afraid

8/20/2008 11:53:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I've had John from the International Olympic Committee on the phone tonight. They're annoyed at me for a memo I sent them some time ago in which I refused to recognise Judo as a sport. I've told him again tonight that I just cannot give any credence to a sport which is essentially pushing and shoving.

If the training can involve expediting ones progress in a queue or muscling ones way onto a crowded bus, then I'm afraid, I told them, I can't accept it as an Olympic sport. Also, as a kid at primary school Judo was easily considered the most homosexual of the martial arts.

Fighting without kicking or punching? Get a life. If you can have Judo you can have hair pulling and name calling. Well John got pissed off after I told him that, said a few things about my Mum and hung up on me. Fair enough, if that's his attitude, but don't expect to see Judo in the next Olympics.

Oh, a small digression; I mentioned to him that I'd backed the Jamaican team to win the mens 100m relay and he told me I could kiss goodbye to that money. He didn't elaborate though. Weird.

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Corking 100/1 shot lump on right this minute

8/20/2008 04:27:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (1)

Actually don't, but if you've got some spare change and fancy a gamble why not back me at 100/1 to win the World Championship of Amateur Poker next week at the Vic. I'm in awesome shape at the moment and feel incredibly intense. I'm focused man, I'm ready. I won't let you down.


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Overseas SPOTY 2008

8/20/2008 04:17:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I won't lie to you, I've backed Rafael Nadal for overseas SPOTY. By way of my figuring, the price for Usain Bolt will nose dive the next few days and likewise for the boy Phelps, but by December we'll all be cold and we'll have forgotten all about the summer and in the meantime Nadal has a chance of reminding us all how good is he by winning the US Open in September.

The last three out of four winners it was Federer. They haven't picked an athlete since 1999 when Maurice Green won it, and I suspect it's cause only women watch this programme and they like tennis more than athletics and Nadal left many seat of Wimbledon's centre court quite moist and not from persperation. Tenuous oui, but a price of 9.0 is worth a few shillings.

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Damed and shamed

8/19/2008 05:37:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (1)

Naturally trained Christine Ohuruogu
Steve Cram didn't seem very excited about Christine Ohuruogu's Gold Medal winning performance..usually English commentators go absolutely mental to the point of insanity when we win Gold Medals, he didn't even shit himself - did he know something we didn't?

No, because it's plainly obvious to anyone with even the brains of a P.E. teacher that what ever was thrashing through that woman's system this afternoon it was not Redbull or Lucozade.

One doesn't want to cast aspersions, but this woman was banned for a year for missing three drugs tests "accidentally" and now we're being asked to believe her success was fuelled only by a high carb diet and a will to win?

I've been unable to acquire the appropriate files to denounce Kelly Holmes' double Gold Medal winning effort last time out, there was a huge cover up to save the Queen any embarrassment, but I feel I won't need any evidence for today's shameful victory.

Even Christine herself looked guilty when she crossed the line. The muscle definition is the give away for me. Kelly and Christine Ohuruogu both look they're made from plastercine. And also the brace of testicles they've both grown. Unless she sneaks a fake cock into the testing booth with her like Maradona used to do, I fear her medal is a temporary award.

I'll say no more. I've said my piece I've marked your card. I'll bid you good day.

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Keeping it real man

8/19/2008 02:05:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Custodians of the onion bag: God help you England

England have utterly shit goalkeepers. Fabio Capello has a tricky selection here and should approach from the south, the lower leagues. I think by now David James, Paul Robinson and the rest of the Anthill mob have proven that they cannot be depended on.

Shooooooooooowarly, the goalkeeping position is the one position where choosing a lower league player might actually have some benefits simply because they're called upon more often. Defenses in the lower leagues are tosh, so a goalkeeper faces more action no?

There must be one honest to goodness goalkeeper somewhere plying his trade in the dregs of the lower leagues free from all the Premiership pretenses who can oust David James so we may never have to look upon his ridiculous hair cuts again or have to tolerate his god awful attempts at sounding big and clever. While he may think he's intelligent and can assure him he is not.

Anyone who earns the nickname Calamity James - and he really did earn it - is lacking something upstairs. And you can tell him from me that his painting and reading poetry is fooling no one.

Of course, this is none of my business as when it comes to international football I'm a Mexican, but I thought I'd mention this anyway. Just saying is all.

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Stud school

8/19/2008 12:22:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I'll be attending Stud school this week. I'm sorry ladies NO, we're not talking about the do's and don't of satin sheets and leopard skin effect smalls, we're talking poker.

The world thingy of amateur poker is coming up next week at the Vic and with Stud, Razz and Omaha events to be won I must get my learn on.

I have the short term memory capacity of a fish, and am not very numerate, which in turn makes me a fish in the poker vernacular. I have therefore devised a cunning method for to help me remember exposed cards...NO ladies, I'm not talking about committing to memory visions of the likes of Eddie Izzard naked, this is something one would hope to forget anyway and I'll thank you to keep your filthy innuendos to yourself.

I cannot fix in my thinking head with only a few seconds to do so a bunch of cards spread out across a poker table which are quickly scooped up by a dealer. I have therefore assigned animals to each of the thirteen ranks. Aces for example are sharks. If a player is dealt an Ace I picture a cool shark in my head and it's suit tattooed on it's side. Two aces and I picture two sharks. Somehow I fnd it easier to remember two sharks than two Aces.

With this information easily accessible, should I require an Ace at some point in the hand I shall know immediately if there are any remaining in the deck. Awesome. It's very very important however that I do not get absolutely battered during the game of course because not only will this ruin my ability to utilise this method, but my dreams will be horrendous.

My animal/ranking list in full is as follows:

Aces - Sharks
Twos - Ducks
Threes - Crabs
Fours - Horses
Fives - Hedgehogs
Sixes - Scorpions
Sevens - Snakes
Eights - Spiders (eeeeeeek)
Nine - Cats
Tens - Tigers
Jacks - Monkeys
Queens - Bees
Kings - Lions

Five of diamonds and five of clubs

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Shanaze ya get me

8/18/2008 04:00:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I shall only be having one more big bet during this Olympics as I'm running out of foil and I refuse to watch the games without a protective aluminium helmet.

I shall be wagering quite heavily that Shanaze Reade will win Gold in the BMX thingy. Yes, they have BMX racing in the Olympics.

She's a chaz apparently, as you'd assume with a name like Shanaze, but evidentally she is awesome and it looks like all those hours scooting around parks and doing bunny hops on the street corners of Crewe are about to pay off. Innit.

Speaking of wagering, Valentino Rossi won the Czech Republic MotoGP race by about 17 seconds on Sunday after Casey "scared Aussie underwear thief" Stoner lost his bottle again and crashed out.

He now has a 50 point lead with only 6 races to go. It's game over yet you can still get 1/5 on Betfair. I'm not one to bet odds on, but last time I looked there weren't too many High Street banks offering 20% interest on ones money after only three months. I think you know what I'm trying to say.

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David Cameron and my part in his downfall

8/18/2008 12:53:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Before I make some tea and have a biscuit I just want to make it absolutely clear that if David Cameron is to become the next Prime Minister then we are all doomed. As much as I dislike Gordon Brown I find David Cameron even more nauseating and am even more concerned for the future of the nation should he get his mitts on the keys to number 10, spechly with Boris Johnson with the keys to London.

Dumb and dumber

I dislike him so much in fact that I've found myself agreeing with the columns written by Peter Hitchens in the Daily Mail - I don't buy it, my parents do. Honest. Why can't he just get one of those jobs that pays millions but isn't really a job like an advertising position or management consultant? Somewhere were he can't do us all irreparable damage.

He's getting a free ride from the country and all of our news media at the moment because Gordon Brown is such a walking catastrophe. Someone needs to look at this man soon and ask him some searching questions about what he's planning on doing to us all before it's too late. The answers will be a selection of nonspeak and rhetorical blue sky type gibberish and a couple of authoritive promises to send troops into absolutely everywhere to bring peace and love to the globe. I believe we've heard this sort of thing before no?

I'm not sure if it was a sick joke, but he did mention admitting Georgia into NATO! A sphincter says what? NATO? Let's ignore the fact that Georgia is no where near the Atlantic, what is he suggesting we admit them for? So we can then send troops into Tblisi when the Russians invade again? What troops? What NATO? That's an organisation that exists in name only. Who exactly are we going to send over there? The Salvation Army, St John's Ambulance and a few hundred special constables in flouerscent tabards with a remit to ask the Russians to move on or else they'll tell the Parachute Regiment? Can we give the Russian Army an ASBO?

And why in the name of pee pee's and foo foo's would we want to protect Georgia anyway? Because they're being bullied by nasty Russia? And as a beacon of democracy in the old eastern block we must stand behind them? I don't mind us standing behind them as long as it can be 4,000 miles behind them. It's hardly a democracy anyway if my flying monkey research is correct.

A quick look at this Mikheil Saakashvili's previous election win and you'll see he won the last one with a majority of 94%. That's even more suspect than this summer's A-level results. At least Robert Mugabe and Kim Yong aren't pretending their elections are fair. Georgia is about as sweet and innocent and democratic as the Imperial Alliance in Star wars. Call me unsympathetic, but their problems vis-a-vis Russia are their fucking problems.

It's very important that something serious happens to David Cameron before it's too late. He has a startlingly small mind and has less substance to his politics than René Garcia Préval president of Haiti who still uses voodoo to determine domestic policy.

We have just over a year before the next general election. If the spotlight is not pointed straight in this mans glazed eyes soon, then I fear it'll be the death of us. His social reforms he's promising will bring us down from within. It'll be like having George from Rainbow in charge. Murderers will be given counselling instead of life in prison. Rapists will receiving training in home economics. Vandals will be taken to camps and systematically hugged until they cry out their rebelliousness and angst. Meanwhile anyone caught smoking, littering, not getting their five a day or forgetting to recycle will be sent to newly built gulags for re-education.

It'll be like that scene in Robocop where he goes all nice and kids start graffiting him and he continues to bang on about how pretty trees are while the city burns around him. This will happen people, it IS happening people. I'm leaving. I'm going to live in a hollowed out horse chestnut tree in Norfolk and befriend the wildlife. I suggest you do the same.

Now then..some tea.

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Cue "Bolt of lightning" headlines in the Sunday papers

8/16/2008 03:38:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

9.68 seconds for the 100m and he jogged it!! Well, I might have been impressed but Dwain Chambers who watched the race at his London home told one of my reporters: "It was OK, but I would have handed him his lunch had I been there."

Well, you may have even served him a drink too depending on which concession stand you were working at, but I fail to see what that has to do with anything Dwain.

In other news, I'm going to bed now, I feel like I've been awake for months.

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One more prediction

8/16/2008 11:35:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I struggled through about three minutes of Soccer AM this morning before I was reminded how tired, predictable and hackneyed it is. Someone really ought to have taken that show out to the barn about 6 years ago and put it out of it's misery..I fear the same fate for the results show thing, Saturday special soccer service thing, ...not the show necessarily but it's presenter Jeff Stelling.

I feel it's about time people started getting a bit bored of him. I know I am. He's a funny enough bloke, but he's reaching that stage in a TV dude's career where he starts to think he's just a wee bit funnier than he really is.

He'll forget people are tuning in to keep track of football, not to listen to his sarcastic remarks that were once funny, but are now just mildly irritating. It happened to poor Richard Whitely god rest his soul. Stopped seeing himself in an ironic sense, over did it a bit then died.

People watched Countdown because they liked having a go at the games and students watched it so they could laugh at the twat who presented it because of his authentic waffling gibberish.

Once the waffle became contrived he was no longer the ironic twat, he was simply just a twat.

If Jeff knows what's good for him he'll quit while he's ahead. I've said my piece.

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Cry havoc and release the dogs of war

8/16/2008 02:10:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I've slept almost all of this week. Either that or I've been interfered with by people's unknown. But fortunately I'm myself again now just in time for the new football season. A summer of no football has rejuvenated by passion for the game.

Before we discuss some of my wagers for the weekend, one or two predictions for the season: I do feel that Hull City will return from whence they came. Something tells me they might struggle a bit. Them being totally without pedigree and being completely out of their depth for example.

I think with teams as shit as Hull and teams from places as shit as Hull, promotion should be awarded not earned. I think there ought to be a vote; finishing top of the coca-cola championship 1st division 2nd league is not enough.

The current Premiership sides should be balloted as to wherever or not they really could tolerate visiting these places and vote accordingly. I'll never understand why the Germans bothered with Hull.

A 'Norris Vote' we could call it in honour of Henry Norris who was able to relegate Tottenham when he was Chairman of Arsenal and have the gunners replace them in the top flight despite the Arsenal only finishing 5th in the 2nd division that glorious season of 1918.

I actually fancy Stoke to stay up and Fulham to disappear forever along with Bolton. I quite like the idea of Mark Hughes being first manager to lose his job/resign. I dislike him and wish him only incredible hardship and woe for the rest of his life.

I'm loath to make any predictions as far as Champions are concerned because the Arsenal I hope, will be involved, and I'm superstitious about involving them in wagers. Football is a religion really in that one can blindly follow ones team without any concern for perspective and objectivity.

It's why people lose so much money betting on Tottenham and Liverpool every year. I'm quite sure we'll see the resurrection of Christ before we see that god awful collective of evil from up the seven sisters in the Champions League. I fancy Liverpool to finish about 6th this year and a new man in charge forthwith with less silly facial furniture.

Finally I'm quite keen on Ferguson having a heart attack this year. Not necessarily wishing one on him, but I feel he's due and if it happens to happen live on Sky Sports and we see him writhing about in agony and maybe some shit plopping out from his trouser leg onto his shoes, then so be it.

Now then on to some wagers. There is no research anymore in my wagers, it's completely down to instinct and how the bones lie. So I very much implore you not to follow these efforts. I'm simply discussing my weekend comings and some of my goings with you.

Footballing efforts: Treble: Hull City (despite what I just said about them), Stoke City (see Hull City), Middlesbrough; Double: Reading, Wolves

Olympics: Swimming Cavic to beat Phelps - kicking off in about 45 minutes or swimming off - dive off - whatever. I won't be betting on the 20km walk, because that is not a sport. Fuck off and get a proper job if that's all you can manage. Think of your children; the pride when they tell their friends their father is an Olympian then the shame, ridicule and bullying when they explain in which event.

MotoGP: Valentino Rossi to win the Czech Republic grand prix

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Tim Westwood you're off the hook

8/14/2008 02:56:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I never thought I'd see the day when someone would dethrone Tim Westwood as England's most embarrassing twat, but it's happened. I once managed a whole minute of a Tim Westwood interview once before it became too much.

I've made several attempts at beating that with this interview given by Steve McClaren, but have only managed 38 seconds and thus must declare he has officially out-twatted Westwood. It's shockingly painful and I can't watch it anymore. If you've not seen this yet, see how you get on.

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Spain gain ground on South Africa

8/13/2008 03:40:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Spain have continued in their quest to oust South Africa from the top of the most racist country in the world league with this effort:

The Spanish basketball team posed for this picture just prior to the start of the Olympics, with each member of the team slanting their eyes to mimic their Chinese hosts. Bizarrely they are sponsored by Li-Ning footwear, the very same legendary gymnast Li-Ning who lit the Olympic flame, yet still they were not able to understand how this might offend a region home to about a third of the worlds population.

The table currently looks like this:

1. South Africa
2. Spain
3. Italy

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Fox end of season play-off - catharsis

8/13/2008 01:20:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I must get this off my chest. I've been cursing myself all day for making the kind of mistake that litters my pokering history. In short, I made a move. Up until this suicidal moment I thought I'd played pretty well. I had me a starting stack that allowed me to play the small ball strategy I'm paying Daniel Negreanu $30 a month to teach me.

It was working beautifully too even if I do say so myself..so why WHY in all that is green and lush in the fervent forest of my mind did I abandon a strategy that was working so well for me and adopt a home-run hitting long ball tosh bollocking tactic on this one and fatal occasion? Why Why people? Why? I'm my own worst enemy. I am both Dr Frankenstein and his monster; Jeckll and Hyde and both of the Krankies.

So, final table and the blinds at 200-400. I am in the small blind with somewhere in the region of 12,000 in chips, which was a comparatively decent stack - chip-leader has about 40,000, we're nine-handed and there's approximately 120,000 in play - but not so comfortable that I could mooch about waiting for the big hands.

I have the gay mechanic..Queen with a Jack. Queen of diamonds, Jack of spades. Under the gun raises to 1,300, called by middle position dude and button dude. So now with 4,500 in the pot it's 1,100 to play.

The play here is to fold, fold faster than an origami enthusiast in a hurry. I'm getting 4:1 but there's no way in heck that I'm 4:1 to win here. I call though of course, big-blind folds and we see a flop of 9c-9s-10s.

I have me now an open-ender with back door flush. So of course, instead of checking and hopefully getting to see a free card small ball style, I shove the whole of my frooking 10,000+ representing a nine and hoping if I get looked up I'll hit my straight.

Under the gun calls and everyone folds. He shows pocket kings! The worst pair I could hope to see as it removes four of my outs. He doesn't have the king of spades though so I also have the back door flush to deliver me from my own evil.

Turn card is in fact the three of spades. I now have eleven possible outs, I miss. I had no reason to be involved in this hand and paid the ultimate price. I spent today litter picking to punish myself.

Not for nothing, but although my play was reckless, I'm not sure his call was a good one. It might look like I'm on a draw, but I would play a nine exactly the same way - and he still has two players to act behind him who may also have a nine. He began the hand with approximately 10,000, had only 1,300 invested in the hand and could have passed and left himself with a playable stack of over 8,000. He has two outs if one of the three callers is holding a nine.

The game concluded incidentally heads-up with multiple incidents. A titanic toing-and-froing with some astonishing draws, re-draws, out draws and suck outs. Eventually with both players seemingly on the brink of suicide a chop was agreed. They both may never be the same again.

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Olympic fever

8/12/2008 05:44:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)


8/12/2008 05:17:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Just been watching some silly corporate nonsense on Sky Sports News about respect in football. How fat is Eamon Holmes? Dear lord, I bet he eats pheasant every meal at all the corporate lunches he attends, quaffing red wine and eating cheese cake by the kilo.

A sky initiative it was, i.e. total tosh bollocks. They own football now then I take it? Sky are the reason there is no respect in the game. All the monies they've ploughed into the pockets of footballers has allowed them all to behave as if they're above the law, because they are. A silly players charter won't change that.

How can Sky ask players to love each other and the officials but continue to hype up every game to ridiculous proportions, working everyone up into a frenzy, having CGI images of team captains dressed as Gladiators fighting in a ring of flames roaring at each other with tigers leaping out of pits and ending with Steven Gerrard lancing Wayne Rooney in the throat with his trident with not even a hint of irony about it?

I personally don't care about encouraging respect in the game and a healthy rapport and dialogue between referees players and managers. That kind of language makes me feel like vomiting. I would just like to see Ashley Cole getting sent off for being a nasty arrogant cunt and the numerous leg breakers in the league told to fuck off for half a season or so, possibly all it.

It's quite simple really. You don't need an afternoon of prawn sandwiches and discussion to figure out how to clean the game up a bit. That's what I always say and you can quote me.

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8/11/2008 04:26:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Never much of a fan of Metallica to be fair to them, but I do like this video as there are some beautiful moments in it which restore ones faith in the human spirit particularly as this was filmed in Moscow.

Usually when heavy metal dudes perform in the Eastern block countries or communist states the legions of security, which are usually the army, all stand there completely impassive. Probably scared that if they show any hint of emotion their superior officers will cart them off, tie them up with piano wire and shoot them.

There's a couple of examples in this video of soldiers who've clearly decided to fuck the consequences and are having the time of their lives. One dude after about a minute and a half into the video can be seen sat on top of the shoulders of crowd members, he's lost his hat, undone his tunic and clearly allowing a whole life time of feeling to flood from his body.

Is there anything more beautiful people than the human soul escaping from within the prison of the impassive facade of an emotionless communist? It chokes me up, more so than seeing a puppy chasing a butterfly in a meadow or something.

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The Stepford Presidents Wives

8/11/2008 02:58:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Too late for Michelle?

* * *
The Stepford Wives, a novel in which a group of men in the small town of Stepford, Connecticut take their power tools to their wives transforming them into obedient robots. The new family in town are accepted into the community but the wife and mother Joanna Eberhart begins to suspect that the other wives are mental and eventually suspects them to be gynoids.

She gets too close to the truth and is eventually assimilated herself before she can warn her friend Ruthanne, a mother of a black family, who are about to move into the area too. The novel ends with Joanne strolling down an isle of a supermarket after being fully mentalised by the husbands and with her friend - the black mother - Ruthanne poised, next in line for re-programming.

* * *

A work of fiction perhaps, but it bears a terrifying similarity to the transformation of Presidents' First Wives from independent career minded woman to lifeless obsequious droids; tolerant of their husbands numerous affairs, lacking in opinion and with countenances moulded from volcanised rubber.

It's clear to even an amateur cyberneticist that Nancy Reagan, Barbara Bush, Hillary Clinton, Laura Bush and even Cindy McCain have all undergone this same metamorphosis. Was the novel the inspiration behind this programme of re-programming? Or has this been going on for decades and was in fact the inspiration for the novel?

Was Ira Levin clairvoyant, some sort of God? His novel ends with the arrival of Ruthanne, the first black mother to move into the town. Someone needs to send a copy of this novel to Michelle Obama before it's too late. Perhaps it is already too late. One thing is clear people, there is nothing more terrifying than reality immitating art and also Laura's Bush.

Cindy McCain's transmogrification

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