Voy Por Ustedes

A sudden urge to do housework overwhelmed me at about 3:00am and now I can't sleep so I've had a bash at putting together a Telegraph World Cup fantasy football team. My team..the "Sammich Guerreros" is an awesome outfit I'm sure you'll agree.

Why not put a team together yourself and join my league "The Mob et al" PIN: 8002139. It's hours of fun for all the family. Except the women folk of course.

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Labels: Football

Having studied the form religiously over the past twelve months I have compiled the following awesome team of poker talent for to take down the inter-Mob WSOP challenge cup**:

James Akenhead
Peter Eastgate
Lex Velhuis
Jimmy "Fricken ugly" Fricke
J C Tran (El Capitan)
Vanessa Rousso
Little Annette
Phil Ivey
Jeff Shulman

Good luck with all your bets. **We enter under the proviso that winner takes all. No deals, no savers, no negotiations. No nuttun.

Labels: Poker

I am almost recovered from witnessing the slaughter of England by my Mexican warriors. Having spent a few hours with a good 4-5000 Mexicans I fail to understand why America is so keen to keep them out of their country.

The Government of course only pretends they want to keep illegals out of the country as their very way of life depends on them sneaking over the boarder to work all the shitty jobs. American people however have no cause to be so hostile.

Mexicans are laid back, they can all play the trumpet, their food is lovely and they all sound like Speedy Gonzalez which is very funny. I was sat in front of the six amigos on Monday I can tell you right now with 100% confidence, if they all lived in my street my life would be up to 45% more enjoyable.

On the football side of things I have to say judging by the radio phone in show I listened to on the way home, I was far more satisfied with the game than the England fans were. One of the reasons I was so driven to abandon England six years ago was because of how utterly miserable and negative England fans and the media can be. And this deep seated sense of foreboding is compounded when you look at it from the outside sat amongst 5,000 4ft 8 singing and dancing Mexicans.

You've got a team of world renowned cabillionaire superstar players and Leighton Baines (ha was he really playing??) playing in a cazillion pound stadium, which incidentally is the size of a fucking planet, England win the game in terms of actual goals scored and that apparently is not enough for some fans.

England needs to be tickled. You need to do something to chill the fuck out because if you get your arse hairs up over only beating Mexico in terms of actual goals scored 3-1, then you've got no chance of coping emotionally with getting knocked out of the World Cup in the group stages without expensive professional counseling.

Mexico on the other hand I thought played very well, not entirely a full strength team as they're playing Holland on Wednesday, but encouraging stuff despite the one teeny tiny issue of not being able to hit a cow's culo with a banjo or defend set pieces what with only having one player over 6ft.

They're finishing has been terrible these last few friendly games and I so desperately wanted Carlos Vela the Gooner to score. Chicharito also has been quite, not coincidentally since he joined Manchester United, shit. Never mind though, they will come good and my 150.0 will look ridiculous when they line up once again against England in the Quarter Finals.

Labels: Football, Mexico

My internets failed two nights ago for no apparent reason and have just now kicked back in again. Weird? I think it may have been from streaming country music radio all day. It couldn't cope with it anymore.

So tomorrow I'm off to Wembley to watch my boys slaughter England. The Mexico section is in one of the corners and I appear to have a seat quite close to the pitch so I ought to get on telly every time there's a corner in that section and of course every time my boys score.

I've had to have a cheeky £20 on Mexico to win at 9.4. I find this an insulting price especially if England are serious about putting Rio Ferdinand in the team and indeed making him captain. I've not heard what's happening with England so maybe that was just a joke, but if it's true England may has well save themselves a lot of money and time by not bothering to travel to South Africa. You'll be lucky if he even remembers to get on the plane. He'll be off buying records somewhere in Manchester when the team are meant to be flying off to the tournament.

Tomorrow I plan to have fun pretending to be Mexican whenever I'm spoken to by a policeman or a steward. It should really bring the thespian out in me. As English people, when we talk to foreigners we like to address them as if they're deaf pensioners if they don't speak English as we assume this will some how help them understand us. It'll be fun to see if this approach is taken with me if they think I don't speak English. GOOD EVENING SIR, YOUR SEEEEEAT IS DOWN THEEEEEEERE ON THE LEEEEEEEFT OHHHH KAAAAAAY?

Yeah cheers geeezer.

It'll be interesting too to see if I'm subjected to any racial abuse. Will an ape like England fan call me a spic or a wetback or a beaner as I negotiate my way back to my car after the game. Find out tomorrow at Voy Por Ustedes.

Labels: Betting, Football, Mexico

Labels: Football, Mexico

I've just had a quick goosey at the World Cup betting and it makes for silly reading. England for example are a shorter price than Argentina. Spain are favourites! Mexico have shortened to 110.0 (time to lay-off? tee hee).

I have to agree with young Paulie two thumbs, it makes no sense not to bet on Brazil. They don't have that good a team, but the essential arithmetic here is that the World Cup has been held outside of Europe eight times and Brazil have won four of them - 5/1 on a 2/1 shot then. Whenever it's held in a non-traditional football country as it were, they always win; Sweden, USA, South Korea/Japan and so on.

They are in fact the only team in international football that actually over-achieves according to Simon Kuper and Stefan Szymanski in their brilliant book "Why England Lose," which is highly worth reading if you want to cut through all the nonsense pundits and thick journalists churn out and uncover why things are the way they are in the game.

The Dutch are another intriguing prospect. South Africa being colonised by the Dutch means lots of people in the country already wearing clogs so the familiarity of the culture must surely help them acclimatize, but as always with the Dutch one has to ask the question, do they hate each other this year?

This is an interesting question. The bottom line here I'm afraid is that the white population of the Netherlands are incredibly bigoted. It's no coincidence that Apartheid developed in a country colonised by the Dutch.

Marco Van Basten - either out of common sense or his own prejudice - recognised that the Dutch team don't do too well when there is a high percentage of black players amongst their number. So he dumped them. It's a predominantly a white squad now and with eight wins in eight games in the qualifiers it appears to have borne fruit.

Regardless of the politics, how can one not take them seriously as contenders? In fact, I can't see past these two teams. As I understand it they could even play England if both teams made it to the semi-finals and there's very little hope for England there surely.

Of the other contenders; Spain simply spend too much time asleep, Argentina have only one good player, Germany will find it heavy going running around at altitude in those leather shorts, England will dig deep and find a way to fail, France may not even qualify from the group stages and finally Italy cannot win as they won it last time and you're not allowed to win it twice in a row.

Mexico of course can't win. They have the possibility of bombing out in the group stages, but also the potential to go deep and be the surprise team of the tournament if the correct blend of experience and yoof can be found. They also have an uncanny knack of beating African teams and South American teams 1-0.

I am happy to have backed them at 150.0 with a view to laying off should they reach the quarter final stages. They may not be strong enough to win, but I can predict that some of their players will attract the attention of the big European teams; Ochoa in goal (star of the sammich advert) and Efrain Juarez (number 16 in the sammich advert) in defense should both be playing in Europe next season along with Chicharito (number 9 in the sammich advert) who has already been lost to the dark side and possibly the awesome Pablo Barrera (not in the sammich advert - more of a tortilla man) if he gets to play.

Preliminary wagers then; Win - Brazil and Netherlands. Back to lay - Mexico.

Good luck with all your bets.

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Labels: Betting, Football

Labels: Awesome

Labels: Bastards

Labels: Awesome, Football

I've just now been negotiating with one of my Mexican brothers somewhere in the barren wastes of virtual bandit country in order to finally deliver to me one of these most rarest of football shirts - the Mexico away shirt, long sleeved version.

For to own one of these shirts is a big deal amongst fans of El Tri and sports jersey type collector people in general. It's not available you see to the public. Lord knows why. So anyway, some rich dude in Texas has managed to get hold of a few that are player issue - the rarest of the rare. Very nice they are too. The only other alternative is to purchase a fake replica from some Mexican "entrepreneur" - I am also in negotiations with someone exploring this avenue.

In other Mexican related news, they're playing England next week and I am still as we speak umming and ahhing about going. It'll be an intriguing fixture. England all in white, Mexico all in black. England shit, Mexico awesome. There's talk of switching the fixture to the Emirates as Wembley's pitch is so disgraceful there's a serious danger of injuries to England's soft-boned chicken-hearted, precious kittens. Bless. I'd definitely go if it was played at Arsenal's stadium.

Either way it'll end 1-0 to Mexico. This must surely represent the only opportunity I'm ever likely to get to watch my diminutive warriors live, but of course as with every potential away trip at the moment the same obstacle remains in my path: can I be arsed?

How much will I regret not going if Mexico not only win, but Wayne Rooney is carted off with a broken spine having lost a confrontation with the colossus Carlos Salcido and John Terry is brought down by a crunching tackle from Rafael Marquez which puts his very life in danger?

I think I have to go. I must go. Will they let me in if I'm wearing my pajamas? Only time will tell.

**Update - I have bought myself a ticket so I can bond with my Mexican brethren and witness the slaughter of England.

Labels: Football

In about an hour Parliament will sit for the first time post-election. Time for all those new MP's to start big school. The first order of business will be to elect a speaker. Usually they just vote the old one in as a matter of course. This time it appears they'll be a vote as so many MPs find John Bercow to be so unpalatable and unsuitable for the job.

I myself think he's a despicable cunt. We talked in some length previously about the possibility of some public hangings of members of the previous Government, although Mr Bercow is notionally a Conservative he was elected by Labour to stitch up the Tories and as such, of those many Labour MP's I'd like to see strung up, I'd have to have Bercow included amongst their number. Oh how I'd rejoice at hearing that sweet snapping sound as his neck is broken, like a twig snapping on an open fire place. As a bonus perhaps his head might even come clean off?

Errr....anyway, this vote will tell us what sort of Parliament we have. In order to deal with the economic devastation left by Labour we'll need a strong Parliament, so this afternoon's vote will show us if it's a new kind of robust House where back room stitch-ups and patronage are a thing of the past or if it snouts in the trough, obsequious skulduggery once again as has been the case with the previous few hundred Parliaments.

** Not even a vote. We're doomed.

Labels: Politics

That little Mnemonic sentence was how we were taught to remember the colours of the rainbow at primary school and it appears to perfectly sum up the state of affairs at Wembley as York striker Richard Brodie struggles to get his team back into the game after conceding two early goals. I have actually backed a draw so jolly well come on boy. Wouldn't it be ironic if he scored York's third goal?

Meanwhile over in Mexico's Azteca stadium Mexico are preparing to take on Chile and an intriguing game it promises to be. This will be the first time in a while El Tri have played a team ranked higher than them. I suspect it'll be an absolute slaughter. Chilean blood will run like a river through Mexico City. Ahahahahahahaha bastado's.

Labels: Football

Ed Milliband is a shifty little fucker isn't he? He's got bad eyes, dark eyes, dead eyes. Already for me he's proven you can't trust him. He declared his intention to run for the leadership of the Labour party at a Fabian Society do!

Are you familiar with Fabianism? It essentially means sneaking up on people. Not openly confronting people man style with integrity and principle. It's about catching people unawares and imposing undesirable conditions on them without them even noticing. You want someone like him running the country? Oh wait..

David Milliband is even worse. The most astonishing coward. The Labour party leadership contest has at it's core a white hot mixture of chicanery, cowardice, double-dealing, unfaithfulness and hucksterism.

Amongst this slither of career politicians, bureaucrats and quill-driving villainous communists lies the very end of life as we know it. Fortunately we'll be long since doomed before they get another crack at strangling the last breaths of freedom and liberty out of us all. Phew!


Sport now and it appears Amir Khan wasn't able to knock out Paulie Malignaggi. I'm afraid this means Amir Khan is an utterly inconsequential cunt. I was going to spend my winnings on some new jumpers. Not now though.


I've heard tell of a play-off final this afternoon involving Oxford. I have no idea who they're playing, but I fancy them to lose. Oxford for me have always been cloaked in failure. It's something that they've always been very good at, so I might have a few shillings on the other team.

Obviously the main event of the day is game one of the Western Conference final between the hawks and San Jose. I believe they drop the puck at 8pm proper time so I may have to give the Pigeon's game a miss as they may not win if I don't watch it.

On the other hand, the Blackhawk games I missed in the previous rounds of the play-offs because I was either unable to stay awake or I'd had too much Sailor Jerry rum, were all won. So perhaps they might do better if I do go to the Pigeons. I am defending champion also I think.

I'll discuss this with myself over tea and crumpets now. Enjoy your Sunday then.

Labels: Betting, Hockey, Politics, Sport

Labour MP for East Ham Stephen Timms has been stabbed in the chest during a constituency event at a local community centre.

Police were on the scene immediately, something that doesn't often happen when people get stabbed in that part of the country and he was rushed to hospital, something which also does not often happen in that part of the country.

A police spokesman said as of yet there appears to be no motive for the attack on Timms who was a stalwart of a 13 year Labour Government that ignored the plight of the poorest sections of society, consistently lied to the nation about the measures it was taking to combat social deprivation, knife crime and the almost third world conditions of the inner city communities.

"Baffling stuff," added a Labour spokesman. "What on Earth would possess someone living in squalid conditions, in a violent community, with no prospects for a better future to knife a Labour MP?"

Labels: Awesome, Politics

Back in February we tipped up Amir Khan to KO Paulie two thumbs' namesake Paulie Malignaggi at a price of 9/1. The fight at that time had not been officially announced hence the juicy price, but my Raccoon in Brooklyn assured me the fight would go ahead.

He was right. It's tomorrow and although I won't be watching as I will hopefully be doing something more interesting, I'm pleased to have snapped up those generous odds as the best price I can find today for a Khan KO of the noisy little Guido is 7/2.

Good luck with all your punches Mr Khan.


When I say I hope I'll be doing something more interesting, this could have course mean anything as this does not promise to be much of a contest. If I had any kind of balls and motivation I'd be whizzing up to the Nottinghams tomorrow morning to play the £300 side-event of the UKIPT.

I've been following the updates of the main event and it looks like a fun place to be. And since I couldn't be bothered to dust off my lederhosen and head to Vienna either this weekend, I ought to really make the effort.

Alas, I simply find it so difficult to even put socks on let alone shoes as well. I'm going out now, I'm going to Boots to buy another one of their Cajun Chicken wraps, hopefully on this voyage I will summon up some motivation to go out and interact with the wider world this weekend.

Finally, Mexico overcame the enormous challenge of Angola last night winning 1-0. Back Mexico to beat South Africa by the same score line on the opening day of the world cup. They always beat Africans 1-0.

Labels: Betting, Nonsense

I wonder how long it will be before people start to miss Gordon Brown? They say it'll never happen, they say they can't see it, but they said that about Tony Blair. I'm gonna take a guess at one month.

A paltry month before Cameron and Clegg, with their silly bollocks Con-Dem stitch-up, have so thoroughly pissed the nation off that they'll hark back to a time when Gordon Brown was able to do just as bad a job all by himself without all this public schoolboy homosexual flirting to boot.


I wish cuddly old duffer Gordon Brown was in charge again, people will say. With his silly old grumpy ways and saggy old jowly cheeks and funny old inability to make sound economic decisions and hilariously never admit to making mistakes. Remember that time when he blamed America for fucking up our economy, we'll laugh. Oooh, and that time when he said in the House of Commons that he'd saved the world!! Bless him.

We'll talk about him as if he was our cantankerous but lovable granddad who hit us with his walking stick whenever we came near him, but was nonetheless the head of the family and we should have respected him for it and how it's too late now. Now we have to live with uncle Nick and uncle David and wear clogs and eat lentils.

Labels: Politics

I've just been over to Paulie two thumbs' blog and he appears to be quite keen on an Atletico Madrid win in 90 minutes in the Europa Cup Final. I had abandoned football until the World Cup so had no idea until I read that post that there was even a game on this evening! Crazyness.

My German correspondent, Jürgen von Snoosnacker - a small red squirrel from Augsburg, has put together a quick analysis of the fixture and it appears the teams are in fact both shit when they play away from home. Something like three wins each all season in all competitions combined. And one of those for Fulham was against Portsmouth.

While Fulham have played something like eighty million fixtures to reach the final stretching back to last July, Atletico have played only four, having began the season in the Champions League where they won no games. Of those eight games Atletico have played in this Europa nonsense they have won only two of them and one of those was against Liverpool.

I can only conclude from this that with both teams suffering from an almost phobic inability to play away from home, that a draw is inevitable and hopefully a penalty shoot-out. I will therefore have a few quid at 13.5 and 14.0 respectively on either team winning via such an outcome.

The end.

Labels: Betting, Football, Nonsense

Labels: Nonsense, Politics

With all this politics and nonsense, it's been all I can do to stay awake for the important things in life, which at the moment mean the NHL play-offs. My boys, my lads, my boys, lead by the awesome Jonathon Toews, have now progressed for the second year in a row to the Western Conference finals.

They will face San Jose. An intriguing match up. I predict goals. Both teams loaded with offense but with rather suspect goalies. I shall not make a prediction on the series, however I will say this people, this is the series that determines where the Stanley Cup will end up this year. The Eastern Conference is very much weaker than the West. They are all in fact veritable nancy boys by comparison.

This is as close to Lord Stanley's Cup as the Blackhawks have been in my life time. Nearly thirty years I have followed this team through thin and thin, and finally, with the finals approaching, they are in the thick of it. I can only hope, since we're doomed in this country, that no one attempts to eat me before they can ultimately succeed.

Labels: Awesome, Hockey

I must give David Cameron his dues. He's clearly a more devious and cunning campaigner than I had given him credit for. I can only assume that now he has bent the Conservative Party over in order to accept the Liberal Democrat's penis in a voluntary act of party political sodomy, he will at the last moment draw up his party's trousers and call another general election thus leaving that snake, that parasite, that parvenu Nick Clegg and his party, with their collective trousers down, thus exposing them to the nation as the devious, duplicitous, conniving and domineering band of stamp collecting, sexually aggressive communists we here at Voy Por Ustedes always knew them to be.

It's so devious I'm almost sexually aroused by it. Surely now that the keys to Number 10 are his, Cameron, in consultation with George Osborne, will announce to the nation that the accounts are in a terrible state. Far worse than they had suspected. They will then concede that they do not have a mandate to introduce the savage level of cuts required to reverse the horrendous annual spend and once again ask the nation to go to the polls in order to obtain that mandate.

The Labour party of course have no money and cannot compete in another election, the Liberal Democrats too have no ability to finance the sort of devious, under-hand campaigns they rely on to deceive the electorate into parachuting their bearded morris-dancing loony-toons into the House of Commons. The British people will also frown upon their double dealing during the coalition negotiations and their ultimate betrayal of forming a grotesque conjoined twinned Government with a party so fundamentally opposed to their whacky ideologies.

The Conservatives will win in a landslide. No longer having to concede on policy or Cabinet positions or electoral and political reform and both the Labour Party and the Liberal Democrats will be swept from the British political landscape for ever.

Aha, aha, ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Er..I can only assume that's what he's doing, otherwise he's just engineered the most rubber-spined and pointless acquiescences since the Germans so readily accepted the terms of the Treaty of Versailles.

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Labels: Doom, Not Awesome, Politics

Now that's settled, it's every man for himself. Good luck everyone.

Labels: Doom, Politics

But he did not go quietly...

....unless it's Gordon Brown.

In order to fully appreciate what a slimy whore we're dealing with in the Lib-Dem leader Nick Clegg we have to take a look at his background. His mother is Dutch, his father was a banker, his paternal grandmother was a Russian Baroness who fled the Bolsheviks after the Russian revolution and his great-great-grand-father, Ignaty Zakrevsky, was attorney general of the imperial Russian senate. Clegg is married to a Roman Catholic Spaniard.

When you're produced from a gene pool so polluted by inherent sexual deviancy and social superiority and married to someone from a country where duplicity, skulduggery and doing as little work as possible for the maximum profit are its defining characteristics, it's no surprise that Nick Clegg has no scruples at all with whoring out his integrity and principles and the nation's future to prop up a failed Government in order to obtain for himself a position of power the previous generations of his family with a Y chromosome took for granted.


This entire election Nick Clegg has campaigned on a ticket of change. Of moral superiority, of giving our Parliament back to the British people. Of breaking off the shackles of a corrupt political process, yet what he is now about to deliver makes the expenses scandal seem completely inconsequential and an understandable error of judgment. If we were a Latin country the House of Commons would be on fire by now, instead people just email in to the BBC...."I'm very cross indeed." Margaret Fiddly-Walton, Tunbridge Wells.

In order to obtain for himself a position of power he will now abandon everything he stood for before the election and prop up a Government that has rolled this country slowly and steadily to the very edge of the economic abyss. He will keep men and women in powerful jobs who are grubby thieves and liars who deserve nothing more than to have their necks snapped in a series of public hangings for the treasonous betrayal of trust we so stupidly placed in them. Snap snap snap..


Britain is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy. This is the only issue that matters as we speak. There is no time to focus on anything else. Electoral reform is not a national issue. Most people don't even know what you mean by first-past-the-post, or proportional-representation. In fact most people don't vote, let alone care how elections are conducted, yet as part of this stitch-up it will be imposed on us as part of the Lib-Dem sweetener.

This is only an issue for the Liberal Democrats because a change in the voting system is the only way they have a future. They claim to only have the national interest at heart, yet the only people that will benefit are the Lib-Dem nudists, pagans and morphine addicts who make up their parliamentary party and who see Clegg has some sort of Jim Jones type cult leader. I hope they all kill themselves.

This backroom stitch up in fact is exactly what you get with a PR voting system. Gordon Brown will now bribe all the Celtic parties and dump all the costs of public service rapings onto the English tax payer. Before the year is out we will eating each other in order to stay alive. This of course is what they want. Those sneaky conniving Celts and Nick Clegg the closet Spaniard - his wife is probably still bitter over Trafalgar - they've always hated us.


The only way I can see a future for us where we aren't barbecuing our neighbours this winter is if David Cameron calls his bluff. Clegg was playing the two parties off against each other. Much like footballers do when their contracts are up for renewal. Clegg wanted to make Cameron aware that while he wanted to do a deal with him, he was also having talks with Real Madrid. He thought this would give him leverage to win a better deal.

What Clegg forgot to factor into the equation was that Gordon Brown is an infinitely more accomplished confidence trickster than he is. When Clegg spoke to Gordon Brown he did not expect him to suddenly appear before the crowds of reporters outside Number 10 like the shop keeper in Mr Benn and announce to the world that they had talked.

Clegg's greed has given Gordon Brown the smallest of opportunities to remain in power, but it might just be enough. Brown's resignation means nothing. He stated he'll remain in charge only until the economic future is secure or until the autumn conference season. A day is a long time in politics, four months is an incalculable period of time and gives Brown every opportunity to manouever his way through and round all those obstacles in the way of him keeping his job.

Cameron should now just cancel the deal with the Lib-Dems. He can claim the moral ground now. He can sit back and watch the rainbow alliance destroy itself and then win a massive majority in the autumn without having to concede anything. We are of course still doomed, but this latest Brown lead lunacy might at last lead to the end of Labour and the Liberal Democrats and in the meantime see the British people progress from composing angry emails to some proper Greek style civil unrest.

"I wish all you Romans had only one neck!"--Caligula

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Labels: Bastards, Gordon Brown, Nonsense, Politics

Gordon Brown would slit the throats of his own children if it meant clinging to power for five more minutes. In order to deliver the speech he's just given he would have had to draw on all of his reserves of contempt for the English people and it's politics.

He has declared his intention to resign by the next Labour Party conference in the autumn, but in the mean time he would like to facilitate an alliance with the Lib-Dems to form a coalition Government (a government of losing parties) in order to sort the nation's economic crisis out. The crisis he caused in fact.

As always with Gordon Brown's speeches, you have to read between the lines of the lines between the lines before you uncover the full devastating truth of what he's actually proposing.

First of all, he knows there's no deal with the Lib-Dems while he's still Labour leader. So by resigning he's trying to make it look as if he's making a grandiose sacrifice. In reality, he's the leader of a party that has just suffered a humiliating defeat in the only election he's ever stood for and he should have resigned on the spot some time early on Friday morning.

He also knows that his party cannot form a majority coalition Government with the Lib-Dems alone, so it'll be the parties from the colonies that will complete this dodgy rainbow alliance and finally give them the 326 seats they need. In order to bring those parties into the fold he has to promise them though that the savage cuts on public services will not effect Wales, Scotland or Norn Iron. Therefore he's heaping the whole economic burden on the English tax payer. The English tax payers who are already massively subsidising the colonies. The English tax payer who so emphatically told Gordon Brown to fuck off last Thursday.

Added to which, once he has stepped down, a new man will step in and once again we will have another Labour Prime Minister who took no part in a general election campaign and was therefore unelected. According to Gordon Brown, this is the political and electoral reform the country is so desperately crying out for. Utterly fucking astonishing stuff.

Labels: Bastards, Doom, Gordon Brown, Politics

Why can't this happen right...David Cameron announces that he wants to be Prime Minister and his party wishes to govern with a minority Government. No coalitions! NO. He then calls on Gordon Brown to step down and let him get on with it or try and form a coalition of his own, which of course is impossible for several reasons.

Why can't David Cameron just do that and dismiss Clegg and his silly group of whiny nancy boys and table tennis enthusiasts. He's loving all this attention. It makes me sick. Just tell him and his wonky mouthed loony-toons to fuck off.

The essential arithmetic of the voting from the election make a Labour coalition with anyone almost impossible. In order to reach the 326 votes, they'd need to bring at least four parties into their coalition, yet given the dynamics of those parties and the various ideologies, this is impossible. Also no one wants to work with Brown. They know the country hates him and do not want to be the ones responsible for keeping him in a job he never should have had in the firs place.

Finally, no party can afford another election. Labour and the Lib-Dems are broke and even Lord Ashcroft pockets are not deep enough to finance more of this nonsense. It's in everyone's interests to just let the Conservatives get on with it. Whoever takes over will be so unpopular anyway that you'd be crazy to want to be Prime Minister now anyway. We're doomed.


In other news, what on earth was that impromptu demonstration about from those Lib Dems voters? Electoral reform is not a priority for the country. Most people couldn't give a shit about the election as a whole, let alone how it's conducted. No one was talking about this election whenever I went out on an evening, not unless I brought the subject up and even then they'd quickly try and get me to talk about sammiches instead.

Proportional representation as listed on most people's priorities for change is somewhere between free pillows for everyone and the need for Alan 'Howling Laud' Hope's policy for socks to be sold in threes in case you lose one. Who cares? Apart from anything else PR gives parties like the BNP a greater opportunity to win seats in the House of Commons. Utter nonsense.

If the economy is not addressed now, there won't be any further elections as there won't be a country anymore. What world are these people living in? It's like being diagnosed with terminal cancer but refusing to begin your first course of Chemotherapy until you've been to the hairdressers for a haircut. If you don't start your treatment you'll be dead, it won't matter what your hair looks like and you'll lose it all anyway.

Doomed.

Labels: Doom, Politics

I've been asleep most of today, so I've only just caught up with the progress of the electoral stitch-up going on behind the scenes. Everyone appears to be saying the Liberal Democrats have no bargaining power as their support yesterday was so dire, but I it's the opposite no?

The magic number to win a majority is 326 (possibly a few less depending on what happens in Northern Ireland). Soo, given that the Conservatives have 307 seats, any other party with 19 or more seats has the chance to be "king-makers."

The least number of seats you have won over 19 the more you are punching above your weight then surely? The Lib Dems have only 8 percent of seats with 57, but they have way more than 8 percent of the influence. They're the only other single party apart from Labour with more than the 19 seats needed to build a coalition with David "I failed" Cameron. So this has been a successful election for them.

Even if they had only won 20 seats, they would still have the same level of bargaining power. The only thing that is denied them, is the option of forming a coalition with Labour as the two parties together don't have the 326 seats required for a majority, but the Conservatives were always going to be the biggest party so this is ultimately irrelevant anyway.


Also, Gordon Brown needs to pack up his pots and pans and leave. All three parties throughout this campaign have been talking about the need for a new kind of politics. Of doing away with the skullduggery of the old ways..yet he's using a technicality in our antiquated constitution to cling to his job. Yes, by the letter of the law he has a right to remain as PM until Cameron can put together a coalition, but that doesn't mean it's the dignified, or moral thing to do.

It's clinging to the letter of the law that caused the expenses scandal. And has he forgotten his little speech back in 1992 when it looked like John Major's Conservatives were going to lose and Labour were going to end up with the most seats;

Labels: Doom, Nonsense, Politics

Labels: Doom, Nonsense, Politics

Well what an ultimately disappointing anti-climax and non-event that was. Weird results all over the shop. We were right about the Lib Dems not enjoying any real support, but unfortunately Ed Balls has kept his seat and the Conservative majority looks unlikely, but not dead.

The country remains completely in the dark as far as a final result is concerned let alone a seat count, but Cameron looks to be in a position to become the next PM with a minority Government or a teeny tiny majority and Gordon Brown ought to be finished, although true to form he will probably be dragged out of Number 10 by his shoe laces.

Final positive prediction as we head to bed to dream about our impending doom;

Conservative - 37% - 330 seats
Labour - 28% - 220 seats
Lib Dems - 24% - 60 seats
Others - 11% - 40 seats

Really am gutted about Ed Balls. Desperately wanted to see him lose and punch an old lady or something out of frustration.

Now this election is over and our fate sealed, the blog going forward will focus on a theme of every man for himself. We'll be offering up recipes for cooking human flesh as we'll soon be reduced to eating each other to survive and they'll be some tips on keeping warm for those living under bridges and in the shadows.

Labels: Doom, Politics

While I was waiting to see how much money I've lost on this election, I felt it was time I had a bash at one of these ubiquitous Downfall movie spoofs. I'm afraid though, this won't mean anything to anyone who hasn't experienced Pigeon's poker.

Labels: Poker

Labels: Culture, Not Awesome, Politics

Labels: Funny, Politics

I think at this point it's important for us to offer up our predictions for tomorrow's General Election. I've felt within my bowels that the polling numbers have underestimated the support for the Conservatives and are over-estimating the support for Labour.

I also feel that the surge in support for Clegg's band of vegetarian, nudist, Scientology oddballs will not manifest itself in voting numbers. There's a big difference between saying you'll do something and then actually doing it, just ask poor Arsene Wenger.

So, with this in mind we feel there's value in backing some of the more extreme outcomes and are thus predicting the following;

Conservatives 38% - 370 seats (7.8 on Betfair)
Labour 25% - 165 seats (9.8)**
Liberal Democrats - 25% - 82 seats (10.5)**
Others - 12% - 33 seats

Obviously it's impossible to translate vote percentages to seats won, so these are approximate, but with the aid of young Nate Silver's newly developed swingometer on fivethirtyeight.com essentially we, in my head, think the Conservatives will have a majority and the Labour party will be humiliated.

We're also predicting a turnout of approximately 68% (3.20), which will allow Gordon Brown to claim that there is an anti-Tory majority and he should still be Prime Minister while ignoring the fact that his party is hated so so so much more.

Elsewhere I still fancy Ed Balls to lose his seat (13/8 PaddyPower) and despite a Conservative majority I've laid George Osborne (1.40)as next Chancellor.

**Young Nate Silver has produced an updated prediction this morning using very similar percentages to my predictions, I have therefore replaced my seat guestimations with his predictions. I was not far off though in fact only ten seats either way for the Lib-Labs.

Labels: Betting, Politics

"Today, I will give this cast-iron guarantee: If I become PM a Conservative government will hold a referendum on any EU treaty that emerges from these negotiations. No treaty should be ratified without consulting the British people in a referendum." -- David Cameron in the Sun newspaper on September 26th, 2007

Labels: Awesome, Funny, Politics

Well look now, I of course won the Pigeon's game because it was meant to be, but I don't know what was meant to be following my victory. Alls I know is I went to the Fox to pay my debt and to enjoy a sociable drink with the patrons present.

As we speak of course with it being 4:51am and the Blackhawks having won without my help and of course my being semi naked with no real recollection of how I got home or indeed where my trousers are, I am still in some confusion as to where my life is..but I think we can safely relax and entrust this day's feelings of bewilderment and confusion with the Gods' grand scheme of things.

In the meantime...ooooh..urrrrghhh....I won't lie..those several measures of Jerry Sailor rum have imposed on me an effect,.......an effect I may not truly appreciate until later in the week.

In monetary terms I appear to be some £250 lighter than when I arrived., But of course this is of little consequence compared to piercing pains in my temples and face. FUN!

:

Labels: Hockey, Sport

I think by now we've established we are in fact doomed. By any reasonable measure and definition of the word - doomed doomed doomed. Now the one thing that prevents me each day from downing a pint of bleach and being done with it, is possibly the same thing that keeps me going back fortnight after fortnight to the Three Pigeons to compete in a poker game I simply cannot master - this of course is Predestination.

There are some intriguing parallels between politics and the current economic state of affairs and the Pigeon's game. I'm not an Economist, but I can do basic mathematics so even I can see that this country is fucked. It is simply not mathematically possibly for us not to be. The news dudes keep telling us we're in a completely different position to the Greeks, but not by much - give us a few years.


The Greeks answer to their quandary is to smash their capital city up. Genius. Who's going to pay for that damage? The tax payer. The same people who are smashing it up in other words. Silly Greeks. If they're not inventing homosexuality or eating awful hors d'oeuvre and then sleeping in the shade for hours somewhere, they're compounding their crippling economic debts with civil unrest and to make matters even worse they're taking time off work to do it!

Who ever thought that just because countries are geographically close, they ought to then be economically and culturally compatible? Silly. While the efficient and hard working Germans go about their daily business the Greeks, Italians, Spaniards and Portuguese are all taking naps or riding around on scooters shouting obscenities at young girls while grabbing their crotches. The Euro-zone was never going to work.

No one in the history of man kind has united Europe. Why do people continue to try? When will man learn that although we can make a car that can park itself, we have NOT made the Gods our subordinates?

All those genius economic minds thought they had it sussed, but no. NO! Europe was never meant to be united and no matter how hard those Eurocrats-Bureaucrats try, it will never ever ever never work. Why though you ask? Simples...it has to be down to Predestination.

For the same reason I cannot close out a Pigeon's game when Peachy or Joy are still involved - even if I have 95% of the chips - Europe will never be united. If every single country in the EU has to collapse economically and millions of people have to take the lead of the Greeks and start busting up the place and eventually and inevitably descend into another World War, then so be it. Be the Gods have spoken.

Have these people people not read their Bible? Course not, they're all Liberal atheists. The European Union is just another Tower of Babel. Built by many people with a common language - MONEY. They spoke the language of "let's make shit loads of monies." Well you're gonna see where that gets you.

The Gods will bust it up just like the Tower of Babel and scatter everyone once again over the land, once again speaking all their different languages and with completely different cultures. While the Germans make their BMW's the Greeks will entice young boys into the shade, the Italians young girls into their homes before their mother's get home and the Spanish will simply sleep.

Britain of course could have escaped all this if we had just been happy owning a quarter of the globe as the Gods had intended and not gotten involved interfering with the Germans' Eastern domination campaigns. So what if they wanted to colonise Russia? It's so cold there. Who goes to Russia for their holidays? What spicy Russian foods are on offer in mobile food vans at chucking out time? SO! Let them have it, that's what I always would have said at the time. But no, we thought we'd have a world war instead and we are now reaping what we sowed.

If the country is doomed, so be it. Its every man for himself now then. I hope then that the Gods will look down on me and protect me. They will understand that I was happy with the British Empire and having all those funny little men around the world working for us and making our dinners for us and building our stuff for us when all they asked in return was to be beaten with sticks once a day. No colonial guilt here Gods, I promise.

It's only that I feel the Gods will pity me that I will continue to ante up at the Pigeons. In fact, there was evidence this evening in a game, that the Gods have forgiven me and see the good in me. Never before have I enjoyed such good fortune while holding such utter garbage. The noisy scouse chap I "three-outered" twice, was clearly a closet Europhile atheist and needed punishing. Where as I of course have seen the light. The Gods have decided our fate. We are merely actors in their grand production - and there is no mercy for those who fluff their lines or ad-lib.

From now on I will simply act my part and not question the consequences. It's all so simply now. Phew. Now that's settled I think I'll have some hot chocolate.

Labels: Current Affairs, Poker, Politics, Religion

Labels: Funny, Gordon Brown

From 'the Underground Economist' Tim Harford's column in the Financial Times:

Yet, I am reminded of Kenneth Arrow – the youngest and perhaps most brilliant of all the Nobel laureate economists – and his “general possibility theorem”. Arrow’s theorem – more popularly known as the impossibility theorem – explores how individual preferences could be lumped together to express the preferences of society.

To get a rough idea of the proof, first let’s agree that if A is unanimously preferred to B, society must be assumed to prefer A to B. We can then prove (I won’t – but it can be done) that we can shrink the size of this decisive group regarding A and B from “everyone” to a single decision-maker. In other words, “society’s preference” between A and B ends up depending on some particular individual. Finally, it can be proved that if an individual is decisive as far as A and B are concerned, she ends up being decisive over all possible outcomes. In short, the only “social preference” is the whim of a dictator.

Arrow’s theorem is often interpreted as meaning that no voting system can ever reliably reflect society’s real preferences. It actually means something much more profound: that it is nonsense to even speak of society’s real preferences. In an election week, this puts democracy in its proper place: it is indispensable, but let’s keep a sense of perspective, shall we?

Labels: Politics

I'm hearing the Labour Party are now down to between 24%- 28% in the polls and this appears to be the moment they were told. It's great of course to see them all so dejected and miserable, but it's no consolation for the 13 years they have all spent abusing their powers and the nation's trust like a Catholic Priest abusing a generation of wee ones. If they were lining up for a firing squad I may be able to gain some closure, but no, like all those children I'll have to settle for some financial compensation instead.

Using young Nate Silver's swingometer we discussed in previous posts, it appears that when the Labour Party's poll rating reaches or dips below 28% this represents an inflection point of sorts and they really begin to collapse. Only a poll commissioned by Gordon Brown himself would put them above this mark at this point in the campaign, some polls have them as low as 24% - their worse poll rating for 92 years and worse then 1983 when Michael Foot did his level best to destroy the party. How fitting if the Labour Party and Michael Foot were to die in the same year.

So anyway, with all this in mind I have bought back my 'No overall majority' bet as I fancy the Tories will sneak in with a small majority of perhaps only 15-20 seats. A hung Parliament is still favourite, so I'll be taking the 2.42 for Conservative majority and why not thank you please.

In other betting news, obviously we've already identified the winner of the Kentucky Derby tomorrow; it looks as if it's going to rain so I fancy Dublin might just be a corking selection at 20/1 e/w. Sidney's Candy also well supported and in fact Sidney Crosby is having a great game for the Pittsburgh Penguins as we speak so this is surely an omen?

I've backed a completely arbitrary football Trixie; Man City, Reading and Birmingham. Not sure why but I should think that will be successful.

It's the MotoGP second round this Sunday from Jerez in Spain - the original second round was supposed to be in Tokyo but that absurd flying ban meant the teams couldn't get there so it had to be postponed. Ordinarily I would have a decent sized wager on Valentino Rossi here as this is a good track for him and a bad track for young Casey Stoner.

Rossi unfortunately is in poor physical condition having dislocated a shoulder recently. He claims it was a Moto Cross accident but my sources inform me he was attempting the complicated sexual mounting of a stable girl from Cadiz and became entangled in her bridle.

Like Valentino and future encounters with stable girls, I prefer not to get too heavily involved here, but I think if he'll forgive me, I will place-lay Rossi at 1.12.

There may be some hockey wagers, but for the meantime I'll bid you good day.

Labels: Betting, Football, Hockey, MotoGP, Politics, Sport