Art imitating the epistemology of reality

1/31/2007 06:40:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

If I hadn't washed my hands with the world I'd be in two minds as to whether I should laugh or cry at this sort of thing. Or as the kids say, I don't know whether to shit or go blind.

Ha ha, you said Burkha

1/30/2007 11:28:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (1)

I was unfortunate enough to catch part of a teenage girls mobile phone conversation yesterday while in the queue of the Co-op. She was completely indignant that her boyfriend had dumped her by text message. She wasn’t upset that her relationship had ended, just how it had ended. One can only imagine what a beautifully intimate and romantic relationship they must have had if the only thing really bothering her was the manner in which it concluded.

Would an amazing Olympic games, in which all continents competed and many world records were smashed be any less memorable if the closing ceremony had been a stand up comedian and a juggler? I’m not suggesting that pinning a Dear John letter to your six week old infant is no more lacking in respect than a text message, but what is the real concern here? That you will no longer share those intimate moments with the person you love, or that you didn’t get a face-to-face meeting which would have given you the opportunity of kneeing him in the groin?

During the last football season Dennis Bergkamp was denied access to the Arsenal staff car park prior to a match because he had forgotten his I.D. badge. The security guard point blank refused him entry without his card. What was the real concern here? That Arsenal staff parking policy be upheld at all costs, or that Dennis Bergkamp got to play against Liverpool?

Diabetics and many other conditions are exempt from prescription charges on the grounds that those patients cannot survive without their medication. Cystic Fibrosis patients are not exempt despite the fact that they cannot survive without their medication. This has the CF community up in arms. This issue causes more wheezy hysterical complaints than any other issue despite the fact that they are getting many thousands of pounds worth of medication for £100 and despite the fact that their care may actually suffer if they were no longer subject to this charge.

The money that is paid annually by the patients would have to come from another source if they were added to the exemption list. The NHS may then have to cut staffing levels in CF clinics and facilities and treatments may also suffer. Is the priority here the level of care, or a minor financial inconvenience?

These are all examples of how we seem to have draped ourselves in a sort of psychological Burkha, which denies us peripheral vision and the opportunity to the see the bigger picture of any given issue. Instead we seem to see things through a narrow, inch thick slit right in front of our eyes. True to form, I blame the Government.

Tony Bl**r has created one new law for every day he has been in power. Over 3000 new laws including controlling Polish potato imports, nuclear explosions in the home, fox hunting and the sale of grey squirrels. New Labours obsession with the minutiae of everyday life rather than say, serious crime, the NHS, securing our borders, promoting entrepreneurship, educating our children and generally building our great nation some sort of identity in the new world, is quite startling.

Fox Hunting is one of the more vulgar wastes of Parliamentary time and energy. Now, I know that Fox Hunting is not very pleasant, but did the subject really deserve 30 zillion hours of Commons debate to pass legislation that is in effect, unenforceable? How many foxes die at the teeth of a pack of bloodhounds per year than say, are burst at the tyres of the 4x4’s driven by today’s housewife?

Did we ever once consider shutting down our Highways to prevent any more rupturing of the poor ginger beauties or did we not even think of it in those terms as, at the end of the day, they’re just fucking foxes and after all, they slaughter chickens. And I loooooove’s chickens and if anyone is going to murder them it’ll be me, so I can have them for my lunch.

This obsession with petty law enforcement means the Government can be seen to be doing something, even if none of it works, but the consequences mean a ludicrous society with ludicrous priorities. The importance of travelling in order to restore the perspective that would allow us to shed our Burkha’s has never been more apparent, which reminds me, I have to renew my passport. Thank the lord current Government legislation permits me to wear my Burkha for my passport photo.

If you're going to lie, make it a whopper

1/27/2007 04:07:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

"The British prisons are almost empty and we are not sending convicted paedophiles back into society where they could conceivably, be abusing our children as we speak"

Conspiracy theorists often suggest the moon landings were filmed somewhere in the Nevada desert in order to con the Russian commy som'bitches and win the space race. How though, people ask, could they possibly get away with such an audacious lie? Surely it must have happened? You can't con the entire world can you? The average conspiracy theorist will tell you that the bigger the lie, the more people will believe it precisely because it's unbelievable.

I think things have gotten so bad for the Government (see John Reids prison debacle for their latest crisis) that this approach is now their last resort. A Hail Mary strategy based pure and simply on presenting us with indecipherable untangleable Gordian knot style whopping great bare faced lies involving, if need be, genies, dragons and Darleks in order to get us off their backs and it might just work. It's certainly got more chance of saving their jobs than telling the truth and if Mr Bl**r wants a legacy other than his search for a legacy then it's time to go for broke.

Granted, Bl**rs WMD lies were pretty convincing, many of us bought them hook line and sinker. But his mistake was trying to provide evidence. The best lies, the real beauties that religions rely on and more recently Mohammed Said al-Sahhaf, the Iraqi information minister relied on, require no evidence. If you provide evidence, they can be researched and dispelled.

Much better to just declare something as fact and do it unflinchingly. If you say something enough times and with enough authority it's incredible what people will buy into. How else do you account for the success of the Beckhams?

The Love Wizard

1/26/2007 04:31:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Further debate needed on Britishness

1/26/2007 02:53:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Apparently it might be a good idea if we started to teach our kids how to be British. British kids feel they don’t know anything about their own culture and only learn about other people’s cultures. This is bad apparently. No, it isn’t. It's total nonsense as it happens. You don’t learn about your own culture little Billy, because you live here you silly boy and it’s all around you. If you turned your f*cking Game Boy off for five minutes you’d realise this.

A child born in this country is British. Therefore their values however they may be displayed, equate to Britishness. Regardless of how they compare to the Education Secretary’s Utopian definition, British children are already displaying Britishness, so by definition, you can’t teach it to them. Teaching immigrants our values such as they are is one thing, but British children cannot be taught something they display by default. And can children even have their own set of values? Are they intelligent enough to adopt their own moral code independent from their parents? I don’t think so. But anyway…

I’m pretty sure, when they talk about Britishness they aren’t referring to our Imperialistic history, which is really what Britishness means to everyone around the world. Do we want our children to adopt the idea that it’s ok to wander around the planet stealing countries off people, enslaving the native population and using them to win Gold medals in the Olympics?

I’d rather not have our children taught that it’s ok to shoot a dirty faced man if he drops a plate or steals an apple from you. And the oppressive class system and religious centuries long crusades are probably best left in the past too. That’s a history lesson and lessons we ought to be learning from, not repeating.

When they say Britishness, I assume they mean respect, tolerance, open-mindedness and wherever possible exceptionally poor sporting ability. These things are not unique to Britain. These things are just characteristics every decent human being ought to embrace regardless of their nationality, creed and culture (except the lack of athleticism which does seem to be unique to the British Isles).

If we’re at a stage where we actually have to teach these things to children, then something has gone hideously wrong somewhere and more than likely the blame for that something rests with the parents. If kids have no appreciation of “Britishness” it’s because…and I’ll just throw this supposition out there, the parents in many many cases, are still children themselves. And the ones that do have grown adults for parents have the mental age and academic proficiency of children.

Alan Johnson seems to believe all this will encourage a healthy debate. A debate about what exactly? Isn’t that an admission that we have a problem? We only have debates to draw a conclusion to solve a problem. But the Education Secretary doesn’t seem too concerned with the drawing conclusions and solving the problem part as long as we have a healthy debate. The debates are an end rather than a means to an end.

Our Government is obsessed with having debates and not actually solving the problems they were debating. Essentially they are the Peoples front of Judea from the Life of Brian and as a consequence, we have debates, enquiries, and think tanks all of which conclude that there is definitely a need for further discussion. This is dangerous and alarming.

If a man and his wife both agree that they are hungry and have a healthy debate about which restaurant to go to and the debate is constructive, sequential and respectful and both accept each others points of view, but no conclusion about which restaurant to go to is reached, they will starve to death. They won’t have the energy for further discussion.

And all of this is bollocks anyway, I’ve said it once, well more than once, and I’ll say it again. Children should not be taught what to think, they should be taught HOW to think. Then they can figure out for themselves what values are (and what religion is, which is what this is really all about) and which ones to adopt and the result, however terrifying and disastrous it may be, will be Britishness.

I know…I’m scared too.

Captain Birdseye facing charges of exploitation

1/25/2007 04:02:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (1)

One hears all kinds of things at the hair salon, so I cannot say at this time how much truth there is to this particular rumour, but I have it on fairly good authority that Captain Birdseye was arrested during the early hours on Wednesday morning on exploitation charges.

Exploitation of what exactly, is unclear at this time, but at the time of writing it appears to be the exploitation of the size of a typical loaf of bread in the UK. Babs, my hairdresser (34-34-40-ish) 38,from Didcot, told me today that apparently the charges relate to his refusal to sell fish fingers in increments of four even though a standard slice of bread in the UK can only fit four fish fingers on it.

Babs continued, "really, people only buy fish fingers to put in sarnies, d'you know what I mean? So when you can only buy a pack of ten, that always leaves you with two left over, d'you know what I mean? So you have to buy two packs don't you? You have to buy 20 instead of ten, but for people on a budget, that's not always possible. I've got seven kids, I can't afford to buy 2 packs of fish fingers for myself when I have to buy them food too. Captain Birdseye is a right old cunt for doing that I reckon. Sorry, did you want your neck tapered or squared off?"

As I say, the arrest of Captain Birdseye is as yet, unconfirmed but I hope it is true. I've been saying for years that fish fingers ought to be sold in increments of four. I don't expect an old sea dog like Captain Birdseye to have a total grasp of advanced mathematics, but even he must be able to work out that 4 does NOT divide equally into 10 and surely, as a fat bastard, he must appreciate that a sandwich with only 2 fish fingers would only arouse ones appetite without bedding it back down. So by a process of elimination, a serious case of bread exploitation exists. I hope they throw the book at him.

War on terror; The mother of all Emperors new clothes moments

1/24/2007 06:44:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

There are two kinds of people in this world, Believers and Non-believers. Believers, whether they be Christians, Muslims, Jews, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Forth day advent hopists (who hop everywhere because their version of the bible had a misprint and they took it literally) all believe in their ancient scriptures and do not question it’s authenticity, accuracy, hypocrisy, origin or morality. Non-believers believe only in evidence - real world evidence of anything before they will accept it’s truth.

The war on terror we are now fighting is not a war against psychopathic fundamentalist extreme fruitcakes who have bastardised their holy scriptures to justify their own thirst for western blood. It’s a civil war between believers. It has nothing to do with the vast majority of the intelligent, educated demographic of the worlds population who fall into the non-believing category.

On one side we have Christianity and the other, Islam. The Generals directing the battles are George Bush and Osama Bin Laden. The worrying thing is that civil wars tend to be resolved only after one side has been totally annihilated by the other. To be honest that wouldn’t be so bad if it was just believers who perished. No doubt they’ll fully believe they’re martyrs to the cause and be happy about it. Unfortunately it’s the innocent non-believers, i.e. us, who have and will continue to get caught in the crossfire. See September 11th, 2001 as an example.

The tragedy here is that we’re letting it happen and we don’t have to. Because this is all carried out in the name of religion, the atheists of the planet feel they have to accept it. Religion even in the 21st century is afforded a level of respect like no other aspect of our lives. Despite the clear scientific evidence that proves that God does not exist. Despite the hypocrisy and lunacy in every holy book regardless of which faith it dictates to, we still see it as in some way different to our political ideologies for example and so it is not our place to question it.

I may begin my own religion which expressly forbids the paying of any taxes to a Government. I'll say the human incarnation of my God was forced, two centuries ago to give up the little amount of money he had in his little purse with which to feed his children, just to finance some Roman Emperors new sauna and so the non-paying of taxes is now the primary commandment of this religion and all its followers would then be able to enjoy tax free incomes forever.

If the South African Apartheid Governments had had their wits about them, they should have just claimed that their religion forbids mixed race communities and avoided all those sanctions. If it's Apartheid, the global community has to intervene, but if it's religion, well..we'd just have to accept it and let then get on with it and keep our opinions to ourselves.

Religion has an influence over matters of state all over the world, which is to be quite frank, alarming. Terrifying actually. Because religion is ring-fenced from everyday moral values and basic human rights, women are still stoned to death for adultery, people are murdered for having abortions, people are murdered for blasphemy and children are brainwashed and psychologically disturbed forever with their parents absolute consent.

Any parent who would happily read passages from the Old Testament to their children and happily take them to church where they can learn that unless they behave, they will burn forever in hell and where they can also learn about Abraham, the Patriarch of all three monotheist religions, and how he was quite willing to shove his only son on a bonfire just to show God how strong his faith was, is succeeding only in psychologically abusing their child. Any other form of literature with the same content as the Old Testament read to a five year old every night by a parent would be absolutely unacceptable to normal society. But because it’s the Bible/Torah/Koran, it is encouraged.

What sort of a parent for example, would read Mein Kampf to a child before he went to sleep every night, and how would you feel about that parent if he lived next door to you? The psychological torment experienced by thousands of innocent children here and especially in America causes long term damage that lasts into adulthood and in many ways is just as damaging as the physical and sexual abuse Catholic Priests seem so incapable of preventing themselves from inflicting on altar boys. Any man who Sodomises a child can expect to go to jail forever. A Catholic Priest can expect a thorough talking to.

Children should never be told what to think, they should be taught how to think. Once they have a level of intelligence that allows them to understand religion and what they might be getting themselves into, then they can decide. To indoctrinate a child into a religion is the most obscene violation of a child’s innocence.

This civil war we now have amongst Believers and our complete reluctance to stop it, or at least stop it from destroying us, is the mother of all Emperors new clothes moments. Every time I hear some bishop or cardinal giving his opinion on abortion or some other social issue as if he is in some way an authority on the subject, I shout at my TV. What the fuck has it got to do with them!? Who the fuck are they to tell a thirteen year old girl who has been raped, that she can’t have an abortion because she will then be a murderer? Why are religious leaders given a seat at the table of any serious debate anymore than someone who believes in the Loch Ness Monster or fairies?

I can’t surely be the only one that finds it terrifying and incomprehensible that the most powerful men on this planet are all driven by ancient scriptures written during a time when a man could be beheaded for collecting fire wood on the Sabbath. I am absolutely incredulous that 21st century wars are essentially started on the strength of centuries old Chinese whispers.

Religious extremism is a fallacy. All religion is extreme. It’s an extreme form of delusion that causes reasonable people to do unreasonable things. The pilots of those planes that ploughed into the World Trade Centre were normal everyday educated men. They were perfect neighbours and probably very good company on an evening out as were the cricket playing suicide bombers who tried to remove sections of London from the map on July 7th, 2005. They did what they did because they were taught from the cradle that martyring themselves in this way would lead to Paradise and they absolutely believed it. They didn’t hate democracy or Bush or Tony Blair and Western culture and Nike and Pepsi, they absolutely loved Allah and wanted to be with him, playing cricket in paradise. No shit…and the Christian equivalent is equally as baffling and dangerous and threatening to our futures.

I’d bring this all up at the next big Atheist meeting, only there isn’t one. And we’d probably be banned from having one too as it would be considered offensive to the church or the local muslim community. I could go on, but I’m tired now and feel sick. So as they say, finish on a song. And if you really have a point to make, why not make it with a Guns n Roses song. Seems quite apt really.

Everything in the video below has been caused by religion, read the lyrics and you too can be the little boy who had the courage to question why the fat Emperor was naked. If you feel really strongly, you might even have to courage to laugh at his little cock too.

Guns n Roses - Civil War lyrics

Introducing the iRaq - Apple reinvent the USA

1/22/2007 07:50:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

CUPERTINO, CALIFORNIA – Only a few short days after Cisco Systems announced their intention to sue Apple over the recently launched iPhone, which they claim violates it’s trademark, as is par for the course whenever Apple launches anything, the electronics corporation have launched yet another multi-million dollar project and yet again claims have been made of copyright violation, on this occasion, by the Bush administration.

At a MacWorld keynote lasting most of the last five hours, Steve Jobs unveiled the next big product for Apple: The iRaq – the USA reinvented. The iRaq will be a model secular democracy. Exactly the kind of democracy the founding fathers of the United States had intended when drawing up the constitution. A land where the pursuit of happiness and the enjoyment of freedom was not obstructed by discrimination on the grounds of race, sex, and class and where religious lunacy would have no influence over matters of state. It’s main features will be:-
  • Quick and easy installation of democracy
  • No memory what so ever of it’s previous incarnation
  • Protection from religious viruses
  • Smooth running of Government
  • The realisation of the original American dream
  • A fully functioning respect for human rights
  • Complete understanding of irony
  • Predictable weather cycles
  • IQ tests for Presidential candidates
The Genesis for the iRaq began more than five years ago. Increasingly frustrated as the United States descended deeper and deeper into a Christian theocracy where science and logical intelligent reasoning were abandoned by the Bush administration in preference for guidance by an all conquering omnipotent sky fairy, Steve Jobs envisaged a new United States. A place where it’s citizens really will be free to pursue a life without the cancerous religious and nationalistic encumbrances responsible for the destruction of the American dream and also without Microsoft.

The launch of the iRaq however may be delayed as the Bush administration begins to power up it’s lawyers. A White House spokesperson told me and a woman who was looking for the cafeteria, “It’s without question the "iRaq" represents a clear violation of copyright. We have been in the process of installing our own version of democracy in our Iraq now for over five years and our invasion, I mean, the initial foundations laid for this democracy were shown on telly when we bombed the place back to the stone age, so we can prove it.”

President Bush was unavailable for comment as he has no idea what the hell is going on anymore, however Chief Justice of the United States John Roberts’ housekeeper, Yessenia Rodriguez 56, stated, “the burden of proof of the conception of the iRaq rests with Apple inc., but if the two projects are demonstrably diverse enough as to not reasonably cause confusion there would be no case to answer. For example, one would not confuse the ass end of a donkey with George W Bush although they function in much the same way”

CNN Legal analyst Greta Van Susteren’s pool man Rico Esparada 33, echoed the view that there is no case to answer on the grounds of incomparable purpose. “Even if Apple are unable to prove they thought of the idea first, there’s no case here homes, you know what I’m saying?

You’d have to be smoking crack to confuse the two Iraqs. The Apple version will work for one thing because all Apple products work. They’re simple, user friendly and highly efficient, not to mention cool as fuck, where as the Bush Iraq is the mother of all humanitarian fuck ups. Their Iraq is a pile of rubble. I think they’re still using Windows 95 over there too. Assholes”

Hail to the chief - Arsenal 2 - 1 Manchester United

1/21/2007 06:17:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich /

If there's one man capable of restoring my faith in humanity it is Arsene Wenger.

Ladbrokes offer 10/1 Britain is racist

1/19/2007 04:58:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I haven’t watched any incarnation of Big Brother seriously for years. The original series, I think, was a vaguely intriguing social experiment. Subsequent series’ obviously couldn’t have that quality and so it’s creators have sourced other means of maintaining their ratings and income.


This celebrity version deserves no intelligent discussion. It’s so far beneath contempt that if you stood on top of contempt and looked down on Big Brother it would look like an ant and if you dropped a penny on it from such a height it would crack open it’s head and spill its insides on the street like a water melon, but it has presented to me with a rather juicy betting opportunity.

The accusations of racism have shocked people. People seem genuinely appalled and unable to accept that this sort of thing goes on in the real world. This is laughable for a couple of reasons. First of all, it’s a reality show. It IS, unfortunately, the real world. This is not Eastenders. There’s no script (I don’t think) and Jade Goodie, is famous only for being on Big Brother. She is no more a celebrity than one of David Beckhams shits. She is very typical of the average (and I flatter her by using the word average) chav we all encounter on a day to day basis and of the under classes who insist on watching Big Brother as a whole.

If anyone can seriously find the idea of a chavvy, uneducated, ignorant Essex girl abusing someone from India extraordinary, I’m afraid to say, for want of a better cliché, you need to get out more. Or perhaps you don’t. There’s racism, xenophobia, bigotry and prejudice on every corner in this country and in every office, classroom, work place, football pitch and shock horror, in our Parliament.

My proof of this leads me onto my betting opportunity. Jade Goodie is 1/66 ON to lose her place in the Big Brother House this Friday. Shilpa Shetty is 10/1. What this boils down to in effect, from a betting point of view, is do you think there a less than 10/1 chance that the UKs chav classes are racist? To which my answer is, do fat women own cats? For example, if you can show me two people out ten who haven’t complained about call centres being based in India I’ll readjust my thinking. I don’t think you can do that though.

If I am right about the UK’s under classes (who make up the majority of Big Brothers audience) being racist, then Shilpa Shetty will lose this eviction vote and this will become a layers dream realised. Let’s ignore for a second what this will mean for the future of our nation and what our politicians will make of this clear evidence that racism is alive and well and living everywhere, in fact, let’s ignore it totally, I resigned from the world, I don’t have to despair at this sort of thing anymore, I have the opportunity of accepting a bet of £660 and if I lose will only have to give up £10.

Obviously all this is subject to the condition that the voting is not influenced by the program makers or by channel 4. Doubtful I know, but again, from a betting point of view this offers great value. The only kind of value that could ever be found in a show like this.


Shilpa Shetty, beautiful, intelligent, probably fragrant and a genuine star, no wonder they hate her.
Update: Jade Goodie was voted out. Britain is NOT racist. Phew! The whole issue can now be swept under the carpet. I mean, put to bed.

Interestingly, the police may now interview her about her comments. Even more interesting is why they didn't go in there and get her if they felt she had broken the law. Is the law subordinate to the Big Brother show? If she had plunged a knife into Shilpa Shettys throat, would the police have waited for her outside the house until she was evicted? It's almost as if our policeforce as an institution, don't take racism seriously or something. She either broke the law or didn't. If she did, arrest that creature! If she didn't, stop wasting everyones time just so you can get on telly Mr Policeman and go and arrest some killer, rapist types.

Government to tax acne?

1/17/2007 05:03:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Yesterday a court in London declared that poker is not a game of skill and is in fact, a game of chance and therefore is subject to the Gaming Act. The Gutshot poker club in London, which was being prosecuted, was therefore operating illegally and should feel thoroughly ashamed of itself (see any poker website for full details of the case).

Despite the fact that none of the jury members had played poker before, despite the fact that the Gaming Act makes no mention of poker and in fact it’s definition of a game of chance encompasses all games everywhere and the dude from the Gaming Commission had no idea how to play poker, the court upheld the stereotype that poker is played more than likely by dishonest shady looking types who smoke cigars, drink whiskey, win silly amounts of money by bluffing and refer to waitresses as toots. It’s bollocks. I’ve never called a waitress toots in my life.

Fair enough anyhoo, this won’t be the first time a court has spent thousands of pounds to determine something which is really not relevant to anything. What’s really absurd here is that they were essentially arguing about whether or not luck should be legal. Roulette, Craps, Baccarat, and according to the Gaming Commission, Poker, are all games of chance and thus require a very expensive license or else it’s illegal. Luck, is illegal!!

Can they do that? Can they make luck illegal anymore than acne? It’s something that happens to you or it doesn’t, teenagers don’t have to have licenses in order to be spotty? Will I have the police knocking on my door in the future if I drop a knife on the floor and it misses my toes by a millimetre? Or if I find my car keys just in time to make it to the shops before they close? “Are those your keys sir?” they’d ask me, “Found them at an opportune moment did we sir?” I’d have no defence. They’d throw the book at me if they ever saw me playing darts.

What this is really about is that the Government notices when people are spending lots of money on something and manufactures a way of taxing it. And they can’t have thousands of people playing poker in private clubs, which don’t pay the Government anything when they could be in casino’s that pay thousands for their licenses.

Now, I know, I’ve resigned from the world and this shouldn’t irritate me, but a sizeable chunk of my income comes from poker played in wee private clubs and if this is to stop I may not be able to afford things and that’s just not fair. For poker players who play in the big BIG games and make thousands and thousands, sometimes millions and millions, this ruling will be welcomed.

As long as Poker is considered “gambling” then any income received from it is not taxable. Had it been considered a game of skill, that income would have been taxable. Forty percent taxable too in the case of the big take-downs. But for me, that’s not an issue, I’m below that radar and I need these private clubs to stay open to safeguard my ability to make a damn good living without paying a penny in tax like normal people who have to work everyday of their lives for fifty years and have very little to show for it at the end.

What’s wrong with that? You can see why I'm annoyed can't you? Can't you? Oh, you can't.

The trial of Tony Blair

1/16/2007 05:24:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)


Watching Alistair Beatons satire of a possible post-Prime Ministerial future for Tony Blair, I couldn't help but think back to a time as a wee nipper at Easter when I would fantasise about chomping my way through an easter egg sized Cadbury's creme egg. It would be the size of an easter egg, but instead of being hollow it would be full of the same fondant you find in normal Creme eggs.


So delicious as a fantasy but in reality just too delicious. Too sweet, too good to be true. I'm glad they never made them like that as it would have ruined a lovely fantasy.

The Trial of Tony Blair was a giant Cadbury's creme egg. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has contemplated just how magnificent it would be to see Tony Blair in the Hague, Slobodan Milošević stylee, answering to a war crimes tribunal and them hopefully committing suicide, but it's a contemplation which we all know is too good to be true.


The Trial of Tony Blair only served to remind us all of this fact. Seeing it all played out on screen just showed how completely improbable the whole thing is and how unrealistic the chance of Tony Blair swinging from the ceiling of a Dutch prison cell by his gucci belt really is.


But still, it's a lovely thought. So beautiful that one might be totally incapable of fully articulating the euphoria and elation one would feel as his image as a pretty straight kinda guy was Jonny Wilkinsoned into touch forever and his very real image as a war criminal would serve as his legacy forever. I can only imagine my reaction, certainly I would not be able to find the words to express my joy of Blairs world collapsing around him, I think my reaction would be something like this:-

Enough is enough

1/16/2007 05:04:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Today I have decided to resign from the world. I've had enough. I've been thinking about this for a while and it's the right time. I may have to be here physically, but I don't have to be subject to all those horrible frustrations one feels when watching the News or reading a newspaper or interacting with the general public. I'm freeing myself from any moral and ethical obligation to care about anything. I feel I've earned the right.

I'm informing the world through this blog and the United Nations who I felt should be made aware of my position through the letter below, that I'm on my own now and my problems are my problems and your problems are yours. So don't come running to me if you can't prevent the polar ice caps from melting, or prevent the spread of AIDS, or your concerned cause George W Bush is back on the drink. It's none of my beeswax. Not anymore. Nu-uh.


Ban Ki-Moon
Secretary General
United Nations Headquarters
760 United Nations Plaza
New York City
New York, 10017
United States

CC: Mother nature, Santa

January 16, 2007

Dear Mr Ki-Moon,

It is with absolutely no regret whatsoever that I hereby give notice of my resignation from the world with immediate effect and in doing so surrender all my obligations to give a shit about it’s future and the well being of those unfortunate suckers who happen to have been dumped here without any prior warning or consultation.

My reasons for resigning are threefold.

1: George W Bush. The American people have essentially elected Homer Simpson to office, not once, but twice. I cannot possibly be expected to give even half a crap about a world in which it’s most powerful man who holds sway over all our lives, can almost choke on a pretzel while watching sports. Any man who is incapable of feeding himself should not be entrusted with the future of our planet.

I cannot blame the American people for electing this man twice. As a consequence of beef induced obesity they have become mentally incapacitated and unable to make intelligent decisions. The United Nations however exist to facilitate co-operation in international law, international security, economic development, and social equity. It was founded in the hope that it would act to intervene in conflicts between nations and thereby avoid war. You failed.

After the United Nations there was only Superman to safeguard our future and protect us against alcoholic megalomaniac religious fruitcakes. Sadly, Mr Reeves has passed on and this leaves us at the mercy of Mr Bush’s crusades and Cheney fuelled catastrophic foreign policy and I for one can no longer bear to look. This leads me nicely onto reason number 2.

2: Religion. The world we are asked to picture in John Lennon’s song “Imagine”, is a beautiful place even if we have to share it with Yoko. A world without religion would have saved us centuries of bloodshed. No crusades, no holocaust, no ethnic and religious cleansing in the Balkans, no 9/11, no 7/7 no Israeli/Palestinian wars, no Iraq war, no Afghanistan war and no Cliff Richard.

John Lennon does not ask us to consider a world without science. Perhaps the idea of no modern medicine or technology and no attempt to satisfy our curiosity about how everything works other than a shrug of the shoulders and an insistence that it must all be down to one omniscient, omnipotent, unreachable, unaccountable sky-fairy is not so beautiful to the scouse songsmith. Quite right too. Anyone with even half an IQ point, even if they collected vouchers from a cereal packet and sent away for it, ought to be able to deduce that although there are many things in our world which cannot yet be explained with real-world scientific evidence, it is far more likely that these things can be explained using these methods, we just don’t quite understand them enough at this time, rather than that it must just be God. The argument that because something is unexplained means it has to have been Gods work has no more place in an intelligent debate than “it is cause I said so”.

Yet it is science that is being asked to move along when the problems facing the planet are being debated and solutions formulated. Religion on the other hand is given the comfy chair and the final say and I say final because if this continues it will be responsible for the end of the world. Which, no doubt, will also be Gods will and not some terrible fuck up by people who choose to live there entire lives according to a series of Chinese whispers instead of actually having any real knowledge.

I have no problem with an individual’s decision to base his decisions in life on a faith rather than intelligent reasoning. If he wishes to sit at home and rub Bovril on himself in the belief that it will boost his ability to connect with God, then good luck to him. But when his beliefs encroach on my life and certainly when such beliefs endanger my life and absolutely when those beliefs endanger the future of the planet, I’m afraid I’m gonna need a little more than just “I believe”.

If you want to believe in something extraordinary, fine, but if you want me to believe it too, then the burden of proof is on you. You have to convince me God exists, I don’t have to prove he doesn’t. Extraordinary beliefs require extraordinary proof and until it’s provided, religion should have no more respect in our society than the belief of garden fairies and the Loch Ness monster. But it does, and it seems it will continue to do so and so this is my second reason for my resignation.

3. A good idea gone bad. My final reason (of which the first two reasons regress) is that the Human race was a good idea in theory, but the reality has proven otherwise. There can be very few people who can genuinely believe that the world, as Ernest Hemingway once wrote, “is a great place and worth fighting for”. Unfortunately there are many people who believe fanatically in the second part, but very few people in both assertions.

Here in the UK, we are expected to pay a license fee to finance the BBC. However, we don’t have the option of not paying and thus sacrificing our access to it. I think this unfair. Similarly, I was not offered a preview of life before I was plucked from a blissful nothing without consultation to begin mine and offered the opportunity of opting out, which I feel is equally unfair. I do now have the option however, having seen how things work, of abandoning my moral obligations towards my fellow man and the safeguarding of the future of the planet. It’s too late for all that anyway.

I don’t want to have to explain to Mother Nature why her planet has been destroyed and why a city was built on her favourite bit of forest. I don’t want to be left to explain where all the Panda’s have gone and why it’s so fucking hot all the time. Who knows what she may do to me. I am far more afraid of her wrath than I am of my own guilt I may feel as I watch the fight to prevent the world from collapsing around itself under the weight of greed, ignorance, religious arrogance and fat Americans from the safety of my Anderson shelter style conscientious objection,

So in conclusion, I’m on my own from now on. You can do what you want, but the planets problems are no longer mine. I tried to make a difference, but I can no more affect the consciousness of the Human race than a pinch of salt can affect the taste of a huge shit pie. I do not now have any obligation to realise those barmy notions we once held true; Peace on Earth, good will to all men etc etc. Fuck all that. I’m all about the me. It’s much better this way.

I have the honour to be, sir, my own man,

With absolutely no regards, kind or otherwise,


What's wrong with this picture?

1/12/2007 05:35:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Take a close look at the two pictures below.

OK, come back to me now. What you've got here on the left is poor wee Lynndie "I was only following orders and had no idea I wasn't meant to torture and humiliate these dudes I was locking up" England. Possibly one of the most famous photgraphs to come out of the Iraq war, sorry, police action, no wait, liberation, democratisation, USifying..whatever. Despite just being the victim of her superiors inhumanity she was court-martialled and I believe she now works in a Piggly Wiggly after her dishonourable disharge.

On the right we have Michelle Manhart (30) 34-24-34. An Air force Staff Sergeant who recently posed for Playboy (which I only get for the pictures) and is about to face a court martial also.

Now, of the two pictures, using all your intelligence and objective reasoning, who has committed the more heinous crime? It's a tricky one. On the one hand, you've got someone who participated in the systematic torture and abuse of Iraqi "prisoners" who as it turns out may have done nothing more than have facial hair to deserve their incarceration and on the other hand we have a dedicated Air Force Sergeant with a set of killer 34c groobies who just wanted to show them off. If that's not an exercise in raising moral, which let's face it, must be kinda low in the US military right now, I don't know what is.

I have all sorts of opportunities here to reel off double entendre after double entendre about discharging and conduct unbeCUMMING and maybe something about standing to attention, but this has made me lose my sense of humour. Of all the things that have gone on Iraq that are court martial worthy, the powers that be have decided that getting nekkid for an adult magazine is a most cancerous form of betrayal to the good name of the US armed services and must be punished accordingly.

If I hadn't washed my hands with the world I might find this state of affairs hard to swallow.

that's what she said etc

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

The past is over, why not relive it eh?

1/11/2007 05:42:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Everyone enjoys a good quiz so have a go at this short test of your current affairs knowledge. No conferring and please show all your workings.

Question 1: Which American statesman said the following (the country involved has been edited out as it's too much of a clue);

“It became clear that if we were prepared to stay the course, we could help to lay the cornerstone for a diverse and independent ****…If we faltered, the forces of chaos would scent victory and decades of strife and aggression would stretch endlessly before us. The choice was clear. We would stay the course. And we shall stay the course.”

Question 2: Which American statesman said the following (it may be the same statesman);

“The big problem is to get territory and to keep it. You can get it today and it will be gone next week. That is the problem. You have to have enough people to clear it…and enough people to preserve what you have done.”

Question 3: Which American statesman is responsible for this poem?

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!

OK please put your pencils down that's the end of the test. Let's see how you did. If you answered George W. Bush to all three questions I'm afraid you only got one answer correct. The glorious poem in question 3 is made up of Bush quotes. Questions 1 and 2 were actually quotes from Lyndon B Johnson 40 years ago as he tried to convince the American people that he had the Vietnam War all figured out. We just need more troops to flatten the place just by a few more inches and we'll have the place licked. I respect a country that learns from its mistakes don't you?

So erm...good luck to those 20,000 US troops currently packing their bags for Iraq. I'd stop the milk and papers if I were you.

The realisation of a wet dream

1/10/2007 05:46:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

One or two recent poker successes including the blood thirsty Sunday night sit and go at the Three Pigeons pub has afforded me the opportunity to make a purchase that has been my want since a chance encounter into the bedroom of a fat American kids older sisters when I was about 8 years old.


No, not a selection of brightly coloured leg warmers or hair broadening products promoting hair-spans of up to two metres, although both of those purchases intrigue me. I've gone and bought myself a cool waterbed.

I'd never seen one until I went with "Fat Phil" into his sisters bedroom so we could put her bras on our heads. It was a more innocent time. Anyhoo, I sat down on her bed and was almost consumed by the thing and in a sense have been ever since.

So today I finally got one for myself. You've probably pictured some leather upholstered leopard skin covered monstrosity in our head and you can could be forgiven for doing so. But this thing is actually dead classy and apparently is so comfortable they say it's actually like sleeping in an Angels foo foo.

Here, have a look

I spend roughly half my life in bed. Maybe 10 hours a night, plus snoozes. It would be even more if I hadn't retired from shagging, maybe up to twenty minutes more. So, I figure I should make myself as comfortable as possible.

Why am I documenting such a purchase on my blog? Mostly because I am expending nervous energy through the medium of waffle. Nervous energy cause if Wycombe Wanderers can hold out for just a few minutes longer I'll be able to buy some modal sheets to go with my new bed as I backed them at 25/1 to draw 1-1 after being down at half time.

Aaaaaah success!! There's nothing to this gambling game. I can now afford the softest most comfortable-ist sleeping items available to man. I may even have to reconsider my retirement and make it known to women too. No, let's not spoil it.

Arnies files no more detailed than Bush's

1/08/2007 05:49:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I was watching Terminator II last night while having a Turkey dinner for one that comes in a little tray and has compartments for each part of the meal. Ironic I should choose such a meal really as I actually blame the TV dinner for the end of the world. I think the TV dinner was the first inkling corporations had that they could get us to do anything they wanted. Anyhoo, that's a rambling diatribe for another time.

It struck me while watching Terminator II that the film really only needed to be 10 minutes long rather than the two hours. Now, Arnie is the good Terminator in this one for those of you who have not seen the film, sent back in time to protect wee little John Connor from a nasty new Terminator made of liquid metal. Arnie is supposed to have an amazingly sophisticated computer brain wot can calculate anything and has detailed files on all things from how to wheel spin a Harley to how to go about destroying a planet. He's constantly banging on about having detailed files about pretty much everything.

However, unfortunately, he's not able to access the files in his memory that would tell him that firing bullets at sommat wots made of liquid metal is not gonna do a whole load of anything. Where's his chemistry files that tell him in no uncertain terms that all you have to do is melt the dude with molten metal or freeze the fucker?

DON'T, it would tell him, get it to chase you half way round Los Angeles while you fire off 40 million rounds and kill off half the law enforcement personal, it won't do any good. It'll just become all blobby and be ok again.

Detailed files? Detailed files my hairy harris. What a load of shit. Even that dumb kid should have been able to grasp after the third of fourth gun battle with this thing that bullets don't seem to be having too much of an effect and blasting it to high heaven may not be the correct strategy.

All they had to do in effect was sit down over a TV dinner and say, Arnie, is there anything in your detailed files that might offer us a new way of approaching this challenge? How about some lateral thinking here? Then the penny would have dropped and the problem would have been solved within minuutes.

Hmm, gun battles, a lack of ability to develop new strategy, the mass slaughter of protectional personel? This film has become a perfect metaphor for George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheneys crusades in Iraq. George Bush is effectivly a robot programmed by other people. Of course, it's no coincidence that Arnold Schwazzengger is Republican. What happens to these people at Republican school that takes away their ability to re-think a problem when it's clearly not working? If George Bush was the Terminatoir he'd have done exactly the same thing. Blasting away at the liquid metal Terminator in the hope that eventually he would prevail and justice would be served and the future of his great nation and the security of the wider world would be

Im pretty sure Terminator II must be one of George W Bush's favourite movies, and I know he hasn't got detailed files on anything, but surely he can take a hint from this film? Surely he can see that a new strategy in Iraq might ....well surely A strategy in Iraq might be the way forward. On the other hand he probably just sits there with Barney wolfing down pretzels without properly chewing them and shouting things like MORE TROOPS!!, send in more troops and blow that liquid sumbitch back to future land yeeeeeehaaaaaaaaa!!


More troops Barney, that's what I say

Bl**r concentrates on health, just not Saddams.

1/05/2007 08:30:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I was able to watch Tony Bl**r today on the news for longer than 30 seconds without vomiting or hurling my most appalling language at the TV. The poor lamb, visiting an NHS hospital refused to answer any question regarding the execution of Saddam Hussein as he only wanted to concentrate on health.

Bl**r continues to scratch around for some sort of legacy to justify the ten years he's spent at number 10. Obviously Iraq is out, as is Northern Ireland, world poverty, schools and the enviornment. So this week it's health.

I admire his relentless pursuit of some sort of laudable cause to justify ten years of power, but he must surely realise that when you're personally responsible for a humanitarian disaster that wouldn't look out of place in the Old Testament, you could cure cancer and people will still want you to burn for all of eternity.

As someone who suffers from Cystic Fibrosis and relies on the NHS to keep my pecker continually pointing upwards, I can promise Mr Blair, that wherever his illusive legacy may lie, it's not to be found in the NHS. Heart disease related deaths may be down by 15% since last year and cancer patients may now only be waiting seven months for life saving treatments, but not everyone suffers from those conditions and consequently anyone who either requires treatment from the NHS or works for the NHS is faced with a day to day battle to prevent their moral centre from turning into the kind of goo they serve for dinner on a typical ward.

Wherever the billions of pounds of "investment" went, it didn't go the patients and it certainly didn't go towards paying the staff and recruiting staff. My advice for what it's worth is just fuck off. Just fucking fuck off to your 5 milllion pound house and spend your days rubbing peanut butter on your body and shoving your cock down that horrible clowns mouth your wife insists on opening without anyone ever asking her to.

Fuck off you genocidal crazy toothed evil eyed war mongering bollock jockey.

Bl**r simulates oral sex on a peak flow meter to amuse the exhausted underpaid NHS staff, but it's all too little too late