Canada wins and aboot time too eh?

2/28/2010 11:05:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Thank the lord that's over, far too close for my liking, although a fantastic final. I was all set to compose a most scathing blog entry about Sidney Crosby after he missed that one-on-one chance to close the game out late in the third period, but thankfully I can now post a far more complimentary one.

He's had a very quiet games to be fair and I think Jonathon Toews put up all the numbers everyone expected from Crosby - so when he missed that one-on-one I'm afraid I let out a few expletives. "He's no legend" I shouted at my telly. "If he was a legend," I continued, "he'd have stuck that in the net cause that's what legends do. He'd have own the Gold for his country, that's what a legend does. It's what Tazer would have done, I know that." I've redacted the c and f words and paraphrased, but that was the jist.

So then the US of American States score the tieing goal with less time on the clock than it takes to call Crosby's mother a whore and it's all looking decidedly unpleasant. But of course, he was just biding his time. A true legend would bide his time and win it in OT rather than regulation. How silly was I not to recognise this? Far more dramatic. It takes balls up to 20% bigger to do it that way and for that I salute him.

Crosby whose mother isn't a whore after all.

I know he reads my blog, so I thank him and apologise for doubting him. I'd also ask respectfully if he could just let his mother know there's a series of unpleasant emails in her inbox as we speak and if she could just delete them without calling the FEDS I'd appreciate it.

Finally, I'd just like to make it known to all those people who were only paying me the slightest of attention when I tipped up the Blackhawks to win the Stanley Cup this year at 11/1, that the three players of the tournament were Johnny Toews, Patrick Kane and Marian Hossa. Now then, who do them guys play for?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have monies to spend, crumpets and the Ebays await.

Tazer, yesterday: the best centre in the NHL I think you'll find

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Wayne Bridge joke of the evening....

2/28/2010 06:45:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (2)

Picard to Bridge, "grow up fella, you weren't even EN-GAGED"

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Oooh Canada

2/28/2010 02:12:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Canada v US of States tonight. Will have to miss the quiz even though I've laid a good deal of my wager off now in a fit of extreme cowardice, but once the Cannucks price plunged to 1.51 after giving the pinkos a thrashing my yellow streak ran through me like a tsunami and I cleared my debts quick style.

I will receive a further 200 monies if Canada do win and some 40 monies if the US of American States win, which will be automatically reinvested in a some South American football betting. Hopefully on Bimbo sponsored Chivas.

As we speak Everton have just scored a goal. This makes the score 2-1. Now then, I had bet on Everton to win this. One of those Half-time/Full-Time bets as it goes. Tottenham to win first half and Everton to win the game. A fairly reasonable price of 40/1 I thought. But as it goes, Sperz were 2-0 up at half-time so the in-running match odds price for Everton was 80.1 on Betfair. Therefore I shall almost be annoyed if this wager comes in.

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What's their character got to do with it?

2/28/2010 02:03:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Lovely lads, nice lads, fair lads: inconsolable leg breakers
yesterday, two years ago and four years ago

I'm not one for getting on my high horse as you know, but this is my blog and what it's for if not for high horsing once in a while? This Aaron Ramsey tackle; I may have said it before, but I'm going to say it again - I'm getting sick of hearing managers defend their players when injuries like this occur to our players, with the standard, "he's a lovely lad, he'll be devastated about this," speech.

I don't doubt that Shawcross is a lovely bloke who probably spends his spare time driving old ladies to the shops and the same for Martin Taylor and the Sunderland player Dan Smith who broke Diaby's leg (although as I understand it, he was a proper cunt).

And I don't doubt that Shawcross was distraught and crying when his Mam drove him home. In fact, I think its the very fact that these players don't have a reputation for making leg breaking tackles that proves that Arsenal are given special treatment by teams.

I think over the past few years a culture - began by the Mantra of Fat Sam Allardyce - has built up from speech after speech by managers and pundits constantly preaching the same message, that the way to beat Arsenal is to rough them up.

Consequently, these gentle giant pacifists, who wouldn't usually feel comfortable shouting at a puppy, are consciously or subconsciously playing differently against Arsenal. They tackle harder, later and higher than they usually do as it's been drilled into them that they must play this way against Arsenal. It's not a coincidence that players with no previous form for thuggish tackling have all been guilty of this against Arsenal.

If Abou Diaby, Eduardo and Aaron Ramsey all had their legs broken by Steven Gerrard, Stephen Hunt or Lee Bowyer you might be able to dismiss it as simply bad luck that it's been only Arsenal players that have come off so badly from all the potential leg-breaking tackles these trio of cunts have thrown themselves into in their careers, but it's harder to dismiss it as bad luck or mere coincidence when it's supposedly fair minded honest to goodness professionals committing them.

Bullshit to how nice they are, and bullshit to them just being 50-50 committed challenges gone wrong. If you weigh 13 stone and charge about with your studs six inches off the ground what are you expecting to happen?

I said this after Eduardo's injury; however decent you are, however fair you play, however much you love your mother, you're either incredibly naive to tackle like this and assume you'll get away with it, therefore shouldn't be playing, or you're a dirty bastard and definitely shouldn't be playing.

Also Stoke, just fuck off having a pitch that's only about 50 yards wide while having another 60 yards of running track available that could be converted into grass just so Rory Delap can throw the ball into the box every time you get a throw-in.

Is that football? Best league in the world my arse, where all people are concerned about is weather a couple of twats will shake hands and a leg breaking cunt gets rewarded with an England cap. So fucking glad I'm Mexican.

A massive running track yesterday

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For whom the bell tolls

2/27/2010 03:12:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

You're not ringing any more: a twat yesterday

With Portsmouth going into administration, football's biggest twat, the bell ringing c**t, has almost achieved the impossible. If Portsmouth have to fold, he'll look even more fucking ridiculous than he does now, carrying around that hideous body caked in pictures and crests belonging to a team people will have forgotten ever existed well before he's dead. It's a lesson to everyone considering getting a football tattoo. Make sure you follow a decent team.

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Hockey Semi's

2/26/2010 06:07:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

It's difficult to see anything but a US v Canada Gold Medal game coming from the semi's tonight, but I'll be doing all I can using the various disciplines of black magic at my disposal to see that the USA lose tonight.

Not because I think Canada would struggle against them; I think Canadians are probably desperate to meet the US of States in the Final game to exorcise the demons of the preliminary debacle - and I would too as it goes - it's just that there's something so unpleasantly loud about Americans that's so perfectly captured in this video below that makes me want all their sportsmen and their Military to fail.

I'll be backing the Finns, who lead by example when it comes to a quieter more dignified approach to life, at 6/4 tonight. Apparently the last time someone from Finland shouted, he caused an avalanche and killed everyone in his village, so they just don't do it. Kimi Tuomikinkinenn his name was I think.

So yes, see if you can watch this all the way through without sighing. It isn't the Olympic mens team, it's the juniors. The pros aren't any quieter though, just more professionally loud.

**Update: Finland really taking being quiet to new heights - 6-0 down after 15 minutes!


And relax

2/25/2010 03:02:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Wednesday wagering..

2/24/2010 06:23:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

So today is very very important for me betting wise. Russia v Canada later is without a shadow of a doubt brown trousers time. You know you've got too much on when you can't think of anything else for more than ten minutes without harking back to it.

It's not that I'm not confident of course, I still maintain that Canada should never have been odds against for the Gold medal, I just didn't envisage these two teams coming together before the freakin' medal rounds had even started. No one did really as far I'm aware.

So anyway, I'd be much obliged if Canada could just bally well win this game and give me 24 hours of respite before I feel the same gut churning nausea when they play Sweden who I assume will beat Slovakia.

I was contemplating betting on Inter Milan, but English teams just seem to have such a good record against the Eye-talians, even with the Jose Mourinho factor, I've decided to steer well clear of it. I bet against Inter a few days ago when they played Sampdoria who were something like 9/1 to win. I was feeling great when Inter - who appear to be hated by all Italians - were down to nine men.

The commentator then announced that Mourinho had not lost a home league game for 130 games stretching back to his Porto days, which crushed my spirits like a Peachey pocket rockets slow-roll.

So, instead I've invested a few monies in 4 way trebles involving the following teams:

Mexico 1.59 - my boys are all set to give Bolivia another pasting tonight in San Francisco in a meaningless game. They're fielding World Cup hopefuls as it's a friendly. Betting on these types of games is a dodgy proposition but my boys, my lads, my boys beat them 5-1 last time they played in the qualifiers so I reckon a win is a safe enough outcome.

Aston Villa 1.40 - ought to see off Crystal Palace no?
Reading 5.09 - at 4/1 I was unable to ignore them. If they can give the Scousers a duffing up at Anfield they surely have a chance against West Brom
Crewe 2.5 - I know nothing about them, but I got bored of searching so just picked them as my fourth selection.

This bet is of course the staple diet of the muggiest of mug punters, but I'm feeling so muggy at the moment you could drink tea out of me. It pays something like £600 and is obviously heavily dependent on Reading winning, which suddenly seems far less likely than it did before I posted the bet.**

But anyway, this coming in will allow me to absorb a Canadian loss tonight with only the minimum of psychological damage,..say no more than betting heavy through the streets with absolute air against Joy and being called down each time accompanied by the bone chilling death knell... "so what have I gotta put in?" You know you're fucked when hear that.

** I've been impressively wrong this evening.

Lord ha' mercy Canada win 7-3, pheeee-yooo. Now trading on Betfair at 1.8 for Gold medal. My nerves are less frayed. Could lay some of this bet off now, but I won't. I shall man up and see it through.

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So it really is true..

2/24/2010 03:24:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

There really is a sale at RN PEACE ending on February 27th!!


Old time hockey

2/24/2010 03:21:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Well now, it's come two rounds sooner than we wanted, but tomorrow..later today in's Canada v Russia people. We thought it would be the Gold Medal game, but one of these teams will be sent home with nothing.

If it's Canada, the nation will never forgive them. If it's Russia, the only things their players will have around their necks will be a length of piano wire.

This is it. Hockey Super Power versus Hockey Super Power. Crosby versus Oveckin. Should be a classic game. Old time hockey...can't wait.


My struggle

2/24/2010 12:27:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

There's a good chance I'm becoming a shopaholic. Back in the day, before the internets, I used to masturbate whenever I was bored, but these days with my arthritis and osteoporosis I seem to fire up the Ebays and buy a bunch of crap instead.

Earlier for example I bought a Mr Messy t-shirt. Where on Gah's clean Earth am I going to wear that? It was £8. I think I probably saved myself about £400 though as I was initially intending to buy a TV. Phew. Close call.

I often wonder what the Ministry of Domestic Affairs makes of my online shopping. They don't think anyone knows they exist, but nothing gets past me. Somewhere in Lincolnshire there's a Governmental Department in a bunker one hundred feet below ground full of computer nerds analysing our shopping habits and trying to figure out what kind of people we are and whether we're likely to throw eggs at Gordon Brown if he came our way.

I've been aware of these people for some time - one of them's called Peter - so I like to balance out my purchases so they can't profile me. Some time ago for example I thought I'd read Mein Kampf. Not because I'd become a promising Neo-Nazi, but just because I felt it was an important historical document one ought to read.

I didn't want to go to a book shop to buy it though, what with the sensitive nature of it's subject matter. I had visions of walking in there and having to ask an old lady behind the counter if they stocked it only to discover she was a holocaust survivor called Myra Fleishemberg with a barcode tattoo and a hand-bag full of pepper sprays.

So, I though I'd buy it from the Amazons, but because I knew Peter would probably be monitoring my purchases I thought I'd also buy something diametrically opposed to it so as to make it clear this was an educational not ideological purchase.

Naturally I chose to buy the "Communist Manifesto" by Karl Marx. I reasoned that Hitler's hatred of the Reds made this is a good choice. But of course in reality what I'd actually done was just given Peter cause to believe I was either a Fascist anti-Semite nazi or a Communist. I had visions of them roping down from a helicopter within the hour to seize me and bring me in for questioning.

But now, I did actually want to read both of these books, so I also bought another book written by the Dalai Lama and a couple of children's books - one of which I think was the Magic Porridge Pot. I spent about £80 in the end. Make of that what you will Peter, I said to myself as I clicked 'make my purchase.'

So anyway, despite what I thought was sound online shopping prudence that would satisfy the profilers in that dingy bunker, I was arrested before my books even arrived and spent some time in a prison in Nigeria charged with being a communist, fascist, paedophile, nappy wearer.

I told my parents I had won a Business Award and was going to work in New York. They still don't know the truth...but is there even such a thing as the truth any more?

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Rich was getting angry...

2/23/2010 10:32:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Many things were angrying up my blood today what with the snow, the William Hill bastards, the harrassment over the salad at Subway Sandwich and of course the fact that Stuttgart couldn't score seven cabillion goals against Barca when they had the chance.

Oooh sigh.... had they won that game I'd have been happier than finding Myleene Klass behind the counter of the Subway Sandwich place, topless and pleading with me to lick Marinara meatball sauce off her heaving bosom.

So anyway, in order to remind myself just how ridiculous the world is and how it should never be taken seriously no matter how heavy the shower of shit, I watched this .....Jump in my car..... a couple of times and I'm fine now. In fact, I'm laughing as I type this. Nothing melts ones worries away like watching an American-German drunk curb crawler at work. It's like Night Nurse for the soul.


Just in case you couldn't picture it..

2/23/2010 11:39:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Computer generated reconstructions (35 seconds into vid) of Gordon Brown's bullying. Tee hee. I do so love how the aliens report the news.

** How not to calm a bullying storm. Immigration minister Phil Woolas, the genius who declared the Afghan war was to prevent Asylum seekers entering the UK, has described the head of a bullying charity as a "prat of a woman" for claiming Number 10 staff have contacted her charity after being bullied by the Prime Minister.

Her name ironically is Christine Pratt, so no doubt he'll just say he's been misquoted and actually said, "this Pratt woman." Still, not very polite is it. It's almost bullying according to the current definition.

Are our politicians all ten years old now? It's like being back at school and telling miss cause someone's had your dinner money away.

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What to do?

2/22/2010 07:14:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Will I go to the Fox this evening? I feel I should to exorcise the demons of the shellacking I took last night at the Pigeons. The deal this evening is apparently a satellite into the UKIPT Coventry game.

Initially though this was meant to be a freeroll using the Club's surpless monies, but now they appear to have tacked on a £50 entry for to add more seats - one per ten runners. Me though people, I'd rather just play a straight £50 freeze-out if there's monies to be paid in order to play. I was only interested in playing to qualify for a grown ups game if, as Willy Thorne might put it, it was a shot to nothing.

On the other hand I'm significantly bored and need to replace last night's nightmare in my psyche with a new altogether different nightmare. I at least want to visit the land of busto on the back of a truly arse tighening bad beat rather than pelting towards bullets as I did last night like a poker Charge of the Light Brigade.

Yes sod it, I'll go over there. If I don't play I can at least make suggestive comments to the bar staff.


Sigh...oh do fack orf David

2/22/2010 05:21:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (1)

Reason not to vote for David Cameron #54022555; he wants an inquiry set up into Gordon Brown's alleged bullying of his staff. Jesus H. fucking Christ almighty are you serious? I don't even care about this and I hate Gordon Brown. He shouts at civil servants? That's what they're there for. I've seen some of these people on TV, they deserve to be shouted at.

We have no politics in this country anymore people. David Cameron surely has the luxurious position of being able to pluck from the fuck up tree so many of Gordon Brown's fruits of utter uselessness; He's almost bankrupted us for fucks sake, we're fighting a pointless war, we have no education system, no health service, no proper policing, no sense of community or family, no moral standards, there's an urchin somewhere right now as we speak of now more than 10 years old getting a blow job from a 9 year old, added to which, if it snows tonight, it'll cost our economy 200 billion pounds - and David Cameron wants an inquiry set up because it appears, possibly, maybe, some time ago, he may have told a secretary to fuck off.

David Cameron can't criticise Gordon Brown on any matters of real substance, because he either agrees with him, or doesn't really understand them and they make his head go funny and his forehead too shiny. But our entire media is invested in seeing David Cameron swept into Number 10 without anyone ever challenging him on his complete unsuitability for the job.

Just as the whole nation were conned into thinking Blair was essentially Jesus only better - they're now being conned into thinking that Gordon Brown eats babies and wanks in the eyes of his poor frail septuagenarian secretary when ever she needs to use Tip-Ex.

ARGHH, and people are buying it. No one is as ogreish as this, he's being caricatured as some one who sleeps under bridges and bites the heads of live cows and no one, but no one, stops for a second to wonder if maybe it's a bit too much and maybe possibly these newspaper dudes might have somewhat of an agenda here.

You spelt recession wrong you fucking whore: Gordon Brown looms
from above, preparing to open up a six pack of whoop-ass on his secretary.

Don't mistake me of course, I would be quite happy to see Gordon Brown splashed over the motorway Princess Diana stylee in some hideous car accident, but only if it was caused by him shunting into David Cameron while he cycled to work, because this is just bullshit. Neither one of them is fit to lead this country. They can both just fuck off. Fuck right off in fact, but if one of them must be allowed to push the nation over the edge I'd rather it be Brown. He caused this fucking mess and he should have to clean it up or lie in it.

I've said me piece I'll bid you good fucking day.



Sisyphian poker at the Pigeons

2/22/2010 01:10:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Sisyphus; punished in Tartarus, condemned to roll a boulder up a hill watch it roll back down again and repeat throughout all eternity. That's essentially how it was tonight at the Pigeons.

I built up a decent chip lead, but no matter how close we go to tipping villain Peachy over the edge, back he came. To my left and short stacked he would push always on my big blind, I was obviously then compelled to play the role of policeman and call only to run into a cabillions sets of pocket Aces a pair of flopped aces against Jacks. Round and round we went up and up, down and down. Aces after aces.

I ran into more bullets this evening than Eric from Killing Zoe. I will need some time to process this evening's events...but for now, Les jeux sont faits. The game is up.

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Russia v Czech Repoobleek

2/21/2010 06:51:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I've had a fairly reasonable sized bet on the Czechs. I can't be having Russia at 2/5. The teams are too close. Czechs nearly 2/1 is too big, 'spechly since you get OT and shoot-out included.

In my humble opinion its too big. Should be a good one, starts just after midnight. I think the Czechs still harbour enourmous grudges towards the red commie sommbitches for the 1968 invasion - in fact Jaromir Jagr wears the number 68 because of this.

His Grandad was given a working over by the KGB or sommat. Brilliant..nothing like political feuds to make a mockery of bookies prices.

**My mistake this game faces off at 8pm proper time. Canada v USA is the midnight game. Still any excuse to post some glam rock on the blog.


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I don't know what he does, but he does something..

2/21/2010 03:44:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Awesome player or just awesome chemicals?

I've got me a theory. I hadn't meant to mention it before the games in case Alex Ovechkin's mates read this and came to get me. I shouldn't want to wake up in some sort of Siberian Gulag with an unfortunate fate awaiting me...Also he might have scored six goals a game and made me look like an arse, but since this is a slow news day I thought I'd discuss it anyway.

They're wondering in the hockey news circles why Alex Ovechkin hasn't really produced the same kind of blistering performances for the Reds as he does every couple of nights for the Washington Capitals.

It might be he's just not yet tooned into the games, but I'm wondering if it's something altogether more sinister than that. He's so much more explosive than any other player in the NHL, one wonders how he manages to keep it up over the course of a season. One wonders..

To quote Carl Lewis after his coming second to Ben Johnson in the 1988 games.."I don't know what he does to find that speed, but he does something." Wink wink nudge nudge. This obviously translated to, "he's a cheating drug taking bastard."

Carl Lewis was too as it happened, his drugs were obviously just not as good. So anyway, back to Ovie. The NHL's drug testing is relaxed to say the least. They don't even bother to test players in the play-offs. The Olympics on other hand is altogether more stringent.

Now I'm not suggesting Alex Ovechkin is usually hopped up on goofballs and all kinds of chemicals from steroids to cough medication, but it might explain why he's not playing that same kind of hair on fire hockey he's become famous for and why his performances in the week leading up to the Olympics for the Caps weren't so good either - 0 goals and no assists in three games.

Russians of course by their very nature are cheating under-hand bastards. It's in their blood. So this isn't beyond the realms of possibility. I'm willing to run with this theory until I am proved, like Ovie's shooting at the moment, to be hopelessly wide of the mark.

With this in mind people, I'm sleeping a wee bit easier given my investment in Canada to win gold and I'll be taking the 15/8 tonight for the Czechs to beat Russia. Obviously now I've said all this Ovechkin will score several goals and burst into flames while he celebrates and this post will vanish from my blog at a speed the Russian ministry for Alteration would be proud of.

Monies or Gulag awaits.


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"I'm sorry, I genuinely didn't think I'd get caught"

2/19/2010 05:58:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (2)

How you doin': Woods and his sickness laid bare

I've just read some of the transcript from Tiger Woods' plea for absolution. Tee hee, sigh and gasp, what an awkward fifteen minutes of shash that must have been for all in attendance. It's depressing really. If I hadn't resigned from the world some years ago I'd jolly well compose an email to that young man. Sod off, I'd tell him. Sod off, get over yourself. Gertchaaa, Rich, Oxford.

It's all just so mind numbingly cynical. Americans probably bought it though which is all that matters as it's them he needs to keep him in the waitresses he's become accustomed to, but he could saved a lot of people some time by just saying, please forget what I did and there's a fiddy in it for you.

Back in the day the only people that were afforded the levels of respect now given to the likes of the boy Woods were truly great people. Your Plato's, your Ghandi's, your Doctor Martin Luther the King jnr's, your Socrates's's's (although fair do's they did kill him) and your Cliff Bastins.

Now it's just anyone who makes a lot of money. That's it isn't it people. It's all about the Green. Hahaha, see what I did there - I made a golfing pun. Tiger Woods is not able to stand before a carefully selected group of peoples and the worlds sporting media because he's possibly the best golfer ever ever, he can demand such attentions cause he can make a billion dollars a year and so can the people who endorse him and they don't want to forego the chance to secure all those future monies.

Phil Taylor is as good at Darts as Woods is at Golf, better in fact - elsewise it would be Tiger "the power" Woods - but Taylor has been found knee deep in school girls and Angel Delight and not been required to make the same kind of pride swallowing plea for forgiveness Woods has just made - cause Taylor only makes a few hundred thousand a year and relatively little for anyone else so no one cares (comparatively speaking), where as Woods makes a billion a year and so so much more for many thousands of other dudes and TV companies also so can stop traffic for fourteen minutes with even the most self-indulgent of driveling pious nonsense.

There's no need for him to be making any apologies on moral grounds of course, we all know this. He's broken no rules on that score as it's only the most fanatical Muslim type states in the world that have a moral code any more - places where they're still stoning girls to death for showing too much toe and so on.

If Woods lived in Saudi Arabi they'd have to set up a committee and invite scholars, law makers, butchers and surgeons to explore human suffering and it's boundaries and then draw up new laws in order to figure out where on earth to start with his punishments.

Showing toe: punishable by a minimum of fifteen lashes in Saudi Arabia

Your modern society ceased viewing infidelity as something to be ashamed of about twenty years ago. It's quite the opposite now. I must admit to being surprised and quite impressed by how many waitresses he'd managed to get through while still being successful on the course. No wonder his knees were in such poor state.

After John Terry's 'post-training warm downs' were revealed, the football media were more concerned about whether Wayne Bridge would remain as an under study for Ashley Cole than how is wife might have felt. She didn't seem that bothered either to be fair. She might have gone to pieces a couple of decades ago, but she was just able to keep it together long enough to go shopping in Dubai. What a trooper.

Still, he must be seen to be contrite and we must be be seen to struggle with the moral dilemma before absolving him of his heinous screwing around. Unless you're a cazillionaire and more importantly you're making other people cazillionaires, you have to rape and murder children to cause genuine outrage these days on grounds of morality.

That's the bar we've set for ourselves. Anything short of that is just a charade. Of course there is a power greater than ESPN, and Woods will be judged by Him! You can lie to us Tiger, but you can't lie to Jesus.

Haha what? I got bored and forgot where I was going with this. Haha...I've got the giggles now.

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Play-offs? I shit 'em

2/19/2010 11:05:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I've just now seen David Benyamine has won the Poker Premier League IV. Won the final table he did. I've not been up long, but when I read this I thought to myself, I thought, I thought....funny!

It's not really a league is it if they're gonna have a final table. Have they always done this with the PPL? If so, what's the difference between this and all the other one table TV tournaments; your Poker Million, your Late Night Poker, your Poker Open and so on?

A league is surely a bunch of heats with points allocations for placings and whoever has the most points wins. That's a league that is. To finish it off with a final table play-off turns the 'league' into - in football parlance - a cup competition and anyone can win a cup competition. Even Tottenham have won the FA Cup for example.

If they think a final table is necessary for TV purposes or excitement purposes or to give it a nice even finish, then fine people, just don't call it a league. That's what I always say. I of course just don't want to see a fat headed Frenchman winning. He'll only go off and donate the money to the Argie bargies so they can buy missiles for to harm our lads, our boys, our lads.

Speaking of play-offs, this idea to have an end of season play-off for the fourth Champions League spot - if I've ever heard such nonsense before, then my memory has blocked it out to save me from bursting like a bally balloon.

On many many levels this is a proposal that could only come from a man borne from a sexual coupling twixt lunatic and glamour model. As I've just explained, the purpose of a league is that teams are rewarded for a seasons performances. If you finished seventh I'm afraid you just weren't good enough. Meritocracy isn't a dirty word.

What point anyway would there be in putting a team that could only finish seventh in the Premier League into the Champions League? They wouldn't even make it out of the qualifiers. And if I'm right and countries accumulate points according to how their teams perform over the years, then this would ultimately reduce England's points score and our allocation of a fourth spot would then be in danger of being withdrawn.

I'm sorry if by late April there are a few teams that have nothing to play for and their fans therefore might lose interest and not show up, but that's no justification at all to introduce this lunacy.

I'm old school about this, I still think the Champions League should be only for Champions. But since Arsenal get to play in it the way they dish out the places currently, I'm willing to live with it, but to water it down even further - well it's like something a Communist would come up with. Or one of those bureaucrat tossers with a comb-over who want to ban sports day because fat kids who can't run might get upset at losing.

A play-off system, that's what we need: a tosser yesterday

Why not just do away with the points system altogether? Everyone plays 38 games just for the hell of it and then at the end of the season four teams are just drawn from a hat and they play the Champions League. Let's have one thing or the other.

We either have a proper competition where you get what you deserve according to your points, or we go gay and do away with competition and just play for play and all hold hands and sing songs and suck each other's cocks. I know what Ashely Cole would prefer, but I'm happy keeping things the way they are thank you very much indeed.


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Dubai-ous anti-terror measures

2/18/2010 05:33:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

As we speak I've got my team of secret squirrels - posing as bun flippers in a branch of Burger King at the Central Bus Station in Tel-Aviv - working on a dossier investigating the juicy details behind this assassination in Dubai of the Hamas dude Mahmoud al-Mabhouh, so until that's been completed I can't speak with any authority and what ze hell has been going on out there, but..

One of my undercover agents yesterday.

..what I think is clear to anyone with eyeballs is that this exposes quite frustratingly and starkly this sham of a "war on terror" currently supposedly being waged by world Government.

They all want to be seen to be tackling the "tourists" as George W. Bush strangely called them, but it's a futile exercise and this assassination by Mossad clearly illustrates that anyone with any real resources with the desire to blow something up or shoot someone in the face can quite comfortably circumnavigate all the draconian security measures employed in airports around the globe with relative ease, so it's really just us, the non-tourists in Bush speak or tourists in normal speak that are unnecessarily inconvenienced by them all.

Nonsense in its purest form I think you'll agree.


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She really is hiding something

2/18/2010 11:48:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Are those plans for an invasion in your pocket or are you just
pleased to see me?: General Leopoldo Galtieri yesterday and in 1982

They're hiding something. I've known for a while something was afoot, just not exactly what until it all became clear recently. So I was conducting some further research last night into the impending second invasion of the Falkland Islands by the Argie bargies and something struck me funny. I was watching a news clip of the current President Cristina Fernández de Whatsherface with Gordon Brown and I couldn't help feeling I'd seen her somewhere before. You know how you sometimes get that feeling about a bitch?

This morning as I was buying a sammich it suddenly hit me. "THAT BASTARDO!!" I shrieked. "Can I help you?" asked the women at the Spar shop. I paid for my lunch while cursing under my breath and fumbling for my keys in great haste to get back home and fire up the internets to confirm my suspicions. That bitch is Galtieri! And she is too.

She might have the facial features of a Latina whore, but look at the neck and the hands. Those could only belong to the bungling General of 1982 invasion of the Falklands fame. Died in 2003 my arse. It's like the worst kind of Bond film unraveling before ones eyes.

You mark my words, it's him alright. While "she's" having diplomatic talks with Brown about this shipping dispute, she'll suddenly explain to him that it's all a diversion and as they spoke the second invasion was underway and it's too late for him to stop it.

She'll then remove her latex mask and the General's cruel eyes, those black eyes, those dolls eyes will suddenly be staring back at dithering Gordon and his one good eye and he'll know he's been had. "Oh crap, this is the last wee thing ah need," our pathetic leader will reply. "Why didn't I ask her to throw a cricket ball before the talks?" he'll rue.

We're in deep shit. We need to act fast, I'll make some calls, you buy more beans.


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Bet on these Basterds at 20/1

2/18/2010 11:09:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I had occasion this morning to read an intriguing article about the forthcoming Oscars and the chances of Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds causing an upset. When I say intriguing, I mean from a betting point of view, because of course the Oscars from any other point of view is not worth even ten of your Earth seconds of my time.

Now I just happen to watch this movie recently and I very much enjoyed it. It's very much my kind of film. Now there's a debate to be had about the morality of essentially turning Jews into Nazis, but that's a debate for more pretentious leaning people than me. I personally don't like to think that deeply about movies. Was it worth the £3 I paid to view it? Yes, well alright then, job done Mr Director.

I've skewed off on somewhat of a tangent and for that I apologise.

The article took the view that like me, the Oscars people have their own agenda when dishing these things out and the Best Film and Best Director Oscars don't usually go to the big box office smash of the year - in this case that Avatar thing and it's director the boy Cameron. Here's hoping this will be a shocking year for all of the world's Camerons.

This dude who wrote the article reckons Inglourious Basterds might just be well placed to cause a shock in these two categories. And this was the bit that intrigued me, cause the film is 20/1 to win the Best Film Oscar and the boy Tarantino is also 20/1 to win Best Director. Something like 26.0 on the Betfairs.

The other contender is Hurt Locker, and I forget why he said that won't win, but whatever it was, at odds of 20/1 I'm willing to take his word for it, so I've had a few shilling on both markets. Just thought I'd mention it.

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Ay, caramba!, they're gonna try again

2/17/2010 10:04:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I knew it, I've been telling people about this for years. If.., I've been telling people, IF the Argies want the Malvinas back all they have to do is take 'em. What are we gonna do about it? Even if we had the soldiers to see them off again, we don't have a Navy or an Air Force to get them down there anymore.

Attack France that's what we need to do, and fast!! Get Bob Ainsworth on the case. It's the French that armed Argentina last time anyway, I bet Sarkozy is preparing the Argies' shopping list of missiles as we speak. We've never really stopped fighting them. Entente-Cordiale my hairy balls. They were arming Iraq too in 1991 - we did too of course, but not once the war had started. Destroy Paris before it's too late. Strike first, that's what I say. Although how we'll know we've destroyed it will be very difficult as it's such a shit hole.

This is how ex-super powers roll when they've had their day. One morning you own a quarter of the globe, the next you can't even keep hold of an insignificant group of Islands in the freezing south Atlantic without a bunch of Latin weekend warriors nicking it off you while you toast your crumpets.

We better start the home guard up again, it'll be the Germans next. My neighbours will have to bring their uniforms out of moth balls. I'm going to start buying beans, I suggest you do the same.

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Unbelievable Jeff

2/17/2010 09:48:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Mob member Alan's tournament report is up on Poker Stars' blog. I still canny believe he's gone and won this, but even more unbelievable is them not using the headline "LAKE SUPERIOR."
Perhaps they're just not supposed to give out people's real name or sommat? I hope that's the reason elsewise I shall have to email into them about this.

Unbelievable Jeff, a golden opportunity missed for a corking headline


Nothing real about these McCoys

2/16/2010 10:41:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

This advert really gets on my tits. The bloke's whisked off for putting that song on the jukebox thus he must be a screaming bender, but..ignore for a minute why that song is even on the jukebox in the first place, look around the pub - not a single female in the whole place. Just rough looking blokes.

It's a gay bar! It's supposed to be manly and unquestionably (unashamedly) hetero, but they've created the gayest environment outside of the Blue Oyster bar in Police Academy. Man crisps indeed! As Chandler from Friends would say, "could they BE more gay". Fucking nonsense. They're fooling no one.

What's happening on Tuesday anyway? An appalling display of homosexual cottaging in an A road lay-by I'll wager.


A few funny things happened to me....

2/16/2010 04:26:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

..on the way to the shops.

So, I've been outside this afternoon on a shopping trip to buy some foods and I'd like to discuss a few things about it with you if I may. Nothing really of note, just killing time really until my next snooze due in about an hour.

I went to Boots first. It's the only place I know of that sells Sushi. I fancied some sushi you see. I hope this doesn't mean I'm going through some grotesquely pretentious changes. If you see me wearing a black turtle neck jumper and a beret and wearing plastic sandals any time soon you're obliged to punch my face in.

I also bought a cajun chicken wrap just to keep the Subway Sammich people on their toes and to prove I'm not gay, but anyway I digress. On my way out there was a very pleasant young miss stood by the doors who looked not dissimilar to Natalie Imbruglia. The doors had 'PULL' written on them. It would have made an amusing photograph, alas I did not have my iPhone with me. 'An advice giving door' I would have entitled the picture. I had no time to take the doors' advice on this occasion however as I had a sammich to eat.

Pwoooar, growl, yum

Back in Cartoon Town now and I came to a roundabout where a dude to my right, who obviously had right of way, was just sitting there in his Renault Megan not moving.

I was about to offer him up a verbal assault the likes of which he'll have never heard before, when I suddenly realised why he wasn't able to pro-cede; there was pheasant in the middle of the road.

A pheasant of all things! I went from almost calling this bloke a spasticated cunt who musta got his license out of a box of cereal, to sharing a wry smile and a laugh with him. That's the power of nature that is. The power of nature.

I'd stopped marvelling at the power of nature by the time I pulled into the Co-op car park. I was about to execute a surgical strike on the meat and confectionery aisles. I needed steak and fudge and that's it and I was not about to be hoodwinked by their mind games into any further purchases.

Confronted with many red meats, I won't lie to you, I almost bought some fillet steak. After a minute or two of debate with myself I finally decided 'no I won't fucking bother, it's three times more expensive than rump steak and the way I cook the bastard it'll taste the same anyway.' A wise decision, a wise decision.

There was an old crone in the way of my next purchase. I wanted some of those little fudge bars urchins eat instead of fruit. I haven't had one of those since I was an urchin meself. A finger of fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat, a finger of fudge is just enough until it's time to eat...and so on.

Must be going on thirty years since I last enjoyed an innocent finger of fudge. Nowadays I can't even say 'finger of fudge' without thinking of something infinitely more filthy. So anyway, 'MOVE OLD CRONE' I was about to say as I had already lost time with my fillet steak deliberations, but then she moved anyway so that was alright. Confrontation avoided.

On my way home I witnessed a convoy of FOUR McCleans coaches ferrying even more old people somewhere I know not where. Have there been a Bingo championships in the town without anyone telling me? As we speak people, that still remains a mystery.

Anyway, I'm growing weary so I'll bid you good day.

They call out a number and you mark it off, it's fucking
simple Doris: two old ladies playing bingo yesterday

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Olympic hockey betting

2/16/2010 01:12:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

So now, ice hockey proper starts tomorrow, none of this insufferable women's nonsense. I've just finished a long conference call with my hockey wagering squirrel camped out in the Olympic village and we've decided to bet the goal spreads for the four games tomorrow and lump them together in a cheeky yankee.

Somewhat contradictory however, when one considers we have lumped on Canada, the Canucks just happen to be the only team we're choosing unders (7.5). Here's the thing right, here's the thing, the thing is....they're playing Norway who are without a shadow of a doubt vastly shit and very rarely even qualify for the games (they have a teacher and a carpenter in their team) soooo..this means given the depth of Canada's blue line they're unlikely to score.

Thusly Canada would need to score eight goals at least. Not inconceivable of course people, in fact quite likely except there are extenuating circumstances here for the unders in my humble opinion - namely the size of the rink and the fact that it's the first game of the tournament.

They're using an NHL rink - usually the Olympic rinks are 13ft longer..this means less scoring. Also, it's the first game and one would think the team will need at least a game to find its feet in the competition. In my guts I just feel 7.5 is a wee bit too much. It's close, but I'm going with the unders and that's that.

The other games are a little easier. All overs; USA v Swiss, 6.5, Russia v Latvia 6.5 also and finally Finland v Belarus 5.5.

Tournament bets are a lumping lump on Canada and if we can find a bronze medal market before the thing beings tomorrow, a cheeky dark horse type wager on Slovakia.

Champions league also tomorrow isn't it, but Champions League Schampions league, I don't care. At least not tomorrow, the Arsenal don't play until Wednesday.

Good luck with all your bets.

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Operation Moshtarak 'going to plan'

2/15/2010 07:39:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

The bazaar of Nad Ali - essentially a market where
they used to sell rugs, yesterday

Brilliant news, excellent news!! Operation Moshtarak - Afghanistan's "surge" - is going according to plan they reckon. Fantastic. Finally, after eight long years of fighting, the ISAF forces may soon have control of 1% of Helmand Province, which in turn constitutes about 8% of the whole of Afghanistan. Now, they say they may not know for another twelve months whether this operation has met its targets, but still..take that you bearded rag headed sandel wearing sons of bitches.

At this rate I estimate they should have full control of the entire nation within 250 years. This is proof if any were needed that those lilly-livered yellow-bellied conscientious objecting wooly jumper wearing pass-a-fists who think this war is futile and unwinnable and has questionable and vague objectives and no real purpose or direction or leadership, that Big Bad Bob Ainsworth has got the situation in hand.


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Well f*ck me ragged

2/15/2010 03:48:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Huge congratulations to Witney inc. Carterton member Alan for besting 4,500 of online poker's best 15 year old Swedish computer nerds and winning the Sunday Warm Up on Pokerstars tonight for an enormous bag of monies!!

I obviously can take most of the credit for this through my supporting role and driving him to the Pigeons game every other Sunday which has given him the mental fortification to see a tournament like this through to the last.

He might have gone to bed, but I can't sleep, so I shall have a couple of crumpets in his honour.

Fucking briwyant!!

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Oi'll be back my duck

2/14/2010 10:39:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Apparently all of Arnold Schwazenegger's lines in his action films were spoken by a dude called Thomas Danneberg when they were re-dubbed for the German market because despite Arnie obviously being a native German speaker, his Austrian accent is apparently all kind of country-bumpkin like and it wouldn't have sounded at all appropriate for those roles, especially the Terminator movies to have this murder death kill cyborg talking like a farmer. Hahaha.

Oh how I wish they hadn't thought of that. How amusing for the German audience it would have been. German equivalent of having Justin Lee Collins speak his lines.

Alroit, boy, oi'll be back, you just watch out for them townies.


Happy Valentines Day left hand

2/14/2010 02:37:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

El Tri and sports apparel

2/14/2010 12:31:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

As well as my love of comfortable lounge wear I'm also becoming somewhat of a sports joisey connoisseur. Without really meaning to I appear to have accumulated many many joiseys from many many different sports.

Mostly 'mercan sports; hockey and "football" jerseys; but a collection of others from all over the sporting shop. I even have a Geelong Aussie rules jersey - which bizarrely they call a Guernsey - some sort of Channel Islands naming going on I don't yet understand.

This is almost a vest though, so I only have one along with the lone basketball vest, a Knicks one. This is because my arms are up to 65% too weedy for this style of sporting apparel.

Jerseys in the northern hemisphere Geurnseys in the southern?

So anyway yes, this has come about because I like to sport clothing you can't really buy in this country and the teams I happen to follow for one reason or another all happen to sport exceptionally cool kits/jerseys/uniforms.

It was this passion for relatively rare shirts that led me to pay £300 for a long-sleeved Arsenal 'banana' kit worn by the Super Swede Anders Limpar - not available in the shops, must be game worn. A cracking investment, it's probably worth millions in today's moneys.

Arsenal of course wear the classiest football kits - or at least their home kit anyway (with the exception of this season's which is very boarder line breaking with tradition) - I think it was Herbert Chapman who demanded Arsenal play in red shirts with white sleeves; "So you'll know it's the Arsenal from t'back and front lad."

The Chicago Blackhawks sport possibly the coolest uniforms in the history of any sport anywhere and the Yankees and Redskins are obviously the classiest looking uniforms in their respective sports.

Now then, I chose to follow the Mexican national team some six years ago when I became frustrated with the England team. By this time Arsenal had long since divorced themselves from any investment in English players so I found it increasingly difficult to summon up any genuine support for a team consisting entirely of players I had a disproportionate and some might say rather juvenile hatred for.

So, if I was to have any interest in International football and the 2006 World Cup in particular, I needed to adopt a new national team. I chose "El Tri" for many reasons. First and foremost it was one of the few teams that had no players in its squad who played for Manchester United, Chelsea, Liverpool and Tottenham; I felt Spanish was a language I could master at short notice so I could read about them and sing their national anthem in the pub irritatingly loudly should they happen to play England; I also like Mexican food and crucially their kit was quite cool.

Not nearly as cool as this new effort though. Mexico's World Cup away shirt is not out yet I've just found out, but I shall definitely be sporting this cheeky black number in the summer almost every day in fact, no matter how intense its aroma becomes. I've got the home version too so I shouldn't lose too many friends.

I've actually developed a genuine interest in the Mexican team now as it goes and as a bonus they have a Gooner in their squad now - Carlos Vela and I fancy they have a chance of at least a quarter final place, which is possibly one round further than England will finish.

Delicious: the Mexico away kit yesterday

This gives me at least three weeks of excuses to wear the shirts, die my hair black and sport an appalling fake tan and if they happen to play England - and possibly even knock them out if that's possible - I'll proudly walk the streets of Witney at chucking out time in my cool shirt and be knocked out myself! It's gold, I can barely wait.

** Just had a quick look at the draw. If England and Mexico both win their groups they'll have easy games in the last 16 and thus meet in the Quarter Finals. A delicious prospect.


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From inglourious Basterds

2/13/2010 06:18:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

I want one of these Jack boot shaped beer glasses and I want one behind the bar of everywhere I drink. I will now visit the ebays.

Carry on..


Khan v Malignaggi?

2/13/2010 12:24:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

Paulie "pillow hands" Malignaggi receiving a standard beating

After the boy Juan Marquez decided he'd receive too much of an ass whoopin's from Amir Khan and withdrew from their proposed fight in May, it looks like, according to my expert boxing raccoon in New York, that little fella Paulie Malignaggi is going to replace him and the fight will ne held in Madison Square Gardens. Bless him.

He has a lot of courage and speed, but unfortunately he floats like a butterfly and stings also like a butterfly. Even Ricky Hatton beat him. An easy knock-out for Khan then must surely be the only outcome. Skybet are offering up 9/1 for Khan to knock him out and so I've decided I must take this price immediately before it vanishes.

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"I will never use my family for political ends" -- GB

2/12/2010 12:47:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich / comments (0)

This interview is very difficult to watch. Not because you share Gordon Brown's pain - I myself wish nothing but pain on the man - it's just difficult because it's so inappropriate for a Prime Minister of Great Britain to be conducting himself in this way. It's further evidence that this once great nation is in real terms no more relevant to anything in this day an age than Betamax videos and Belgium and this is the real crying shame.

World leaders should be looked at with a certain degree of reverence. They should be detached. They should carry an air of superioroity. You don't want the leader of your country to be someone you might meet in a pub or in a supermarket. I don't want to imagine the British Prime Minister struggling with some DIY or making tea in his dressing gown.

I don't want to know what kind of underwear the Prime Minister wears. I don't want to know that he farts in bed and has a propensity to cum very quickly when his anus is tickled. I don't even want to know this sort of thing about Jonathon Ross or Peter Andre, although if it was Myleen Klass I'd be hard pressed not to lend an ear to the conversation.

One doesn't doubt his tears are genuine when he talks about the death of his daughter, but I don't for a second believe this whole episode wasn't cooked up as a means of engineering a more voter-friendly countenance for Gordon Brown with a General Election just around the corner.

It's really not a stretch of the imagination to imagine Brown being advised one morning by an 'orrible advising cunt that he really needs to cry on telly to appear more human and the best way to achieve this is to talk about you're personal tragedies.

Either that or imagine how he felt that day when Tony Blair decided not to retire after all and carry on as PM for another term - anything that'll make you cry. Gordon Brown was after all very critical of Cameron when he was so keen to invite the media into his life when his own son died; "I will never use my family for political ends", remember that comment Gordon?

I think Gordon Brown's emotional depth is revealed rather starkly with this little exchange in his interview when they discuss the death of previous Labour leader John Smith:

PM: “Let me take you back to the day before John Smith died, where for all intents and purposes he was absolutely fine. In your head Gordon, if you’re honest, you must have been not just hoping but believing you would be, after John Smith, the next Labour leader.”

GB: “I thought that would be possible and the first person I phoned when I heard John had died was Tony. And I said, ‘Look, Tony, you may not know this but John has died.’ So I said, ‘Look, we’ve got to sort this out', and so we started a conversation.”

They haven't mentioned this in the media, they're focusing on his crying, but John Smith dies and the first person Gordon Brown calls was not Smith's wife or any other family member it was Tony Blair to thrash out who was going to get the top job. Bastard.

It's very sad of course that their wee ones have died, but there used to be a reluctance in this country for people to burden people with their personal problems, let alone politicians. Now the opposite seems to be the case. Our streets are filled with all and sundry doing their dirty washing in public.

Of course, we can blame America for this. Oprah Winfrey and Presidential election campaigns have collided creating monsters like Fern Britton and Lorraine Kelly and caused us to adopt a more touchy-feely approach to our politics and it's jolly well enough to make you vomit up your crumpets.

Oprah let's face it is the modern day equivalent of those cockney freak show hosts of Victorian London who'd dare the public to feast their eyes on natures most hideous physical aberrations in the shape of Elephant man type people who were kept chained to walls when they weren't being gawped at and beaten with sticks at regular intervals.

Roll up roll up, you'll 'a never seen the likes of it

Oprah has re-marketed these freak shows as human-interest stories. And it is in this name that she parades the most desperate cases of suffering and tragedy in front of her live audience of captivated housewives and the cabillion other similar housewives watching at home in turquoise sweat pants and a full inch of make-up.

Out they're brought, like the woman who had her face ripped off by a monkey or the 12 year old boy who weighs the same as all the other members of his family put together.

Monkey woman's head is covered in a towel so as to raise the level of heebie jeebies to the maximum and elevate the level of gasps to such a degree that the poor woman's hair is messed up by the prevailing winds when her hideous features are finally uncovered.

Consequently US politicians have had no choice but to subject themselves to this most intense scrutiny. They are forced to stand back while a light is shined on the deepest darkest corners of their lives and the folds of fat guarding their most intimates parts are rolled back for all to see.

Obviously we have to follow suit, because that's how we roll in this country now and Gordon Brown is the perfect storm of "human interest" story. A high profile figure, with emotional scars as deep and unpleasant and his physical ones. A repulsive figure in every respect who, had he be born a hundred years previous, would be kept in a cage and beaten with rubber hoses as he stood before a captivated sickened public, making the most futile attempts to appear human while he was pelted with rotten cabbage.

Hence therefore on Saturday you'll try in vain to back swallow hard to keep your dinner down while Gordon Brown tries to win a modicum of sympathy with the country because he's lost a daughter and an eye and tears of sympathy are falling from his good eye as Piers Morgan looks on with a thinly veiled look of almost sexual pleasure in his two good eyes.

Of course this is lost on our PM. He and his advisers seem oblivious, completely unaware of how he is viewed by the public despite the fact that his popularity has only ever fallen as the nation has gotten to know him, simply because he is so fundamentally unlikeable.

And any further attempts on his part to ingratiate himself to the voters is doomed to failure. His own civil servants were desperate for him to call a snap election just as he was given the keys to Number 10 in case the country had any time to get to know him.

Cameron needs to take note here. His defining characteristic is clearly how much of an utter lying duplicitous cunt he is and he needs to use Gordon Brown's humiliation at the hands of archetypal tabloid journo Piers Morgan as an example of what not to do. Forget inviting people into his life. He needs to appear more distant, much much more distant. Ideally to emigrate to Haiti, but failing this, a more austere approach to his campaigning at the least.

Cameron trying to cry, but only succeeding
in laughing
at a poor person yesterday

We won't get this of course because he is so terrified of seeming aloof and public schoolboyish. So we can unfortunately expect to see Cameron attempt to "out emotion" Gordon Brown in a further interview, probably with Fern Britton where he will also talk about the death of his son and how he's coping with the other problems his kids have and probably where he was when his wife first sucked his balls and how he still really likes Wham.

I may be wrong, but I don't think the Times ever cornered Churchill before he set about giving Jerry and good pasting and asked him about his underwear or where he first took Clementine over the jumps. A lesson in this for us all I think. A lesson in this for us all.