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I'm not keen on golf I'll be honest. Mostly because of the elitist culture surrounding the sport which dictates members of even the crappiest golf clubs must adhere to ridiculous rules and regulations. Shorts can only be worn with a belt, shirts must have collars, black people must be accompanied by their owners and so on.

I will watch the Ryder cup this year though which for some reason will be played in the mythical, majestic halls of Valhalla.

I'm not bothered who wins, I just want to listen to Di Stewart send me coded sexual advances.

Just now she was explaining how under-performing in the Ryder Cup has plagued some of the best golfers in the history of the sport, which I took to mean she'd like me to massage chocolate moose into her supple inner thighs and lick it off over the course of ten to fifteen minutes.

Hopefully Nick Faldo won't be appearing too often. It's very hypocritical of us to criticise American golfing crowds for their loud, galling and obtuse behaviour while we have an arrogant twat captaining the side and have given Ian Poulter license to strut about the place dressed like John Inman.

I'm backing the Mercans and I will be wearing stars and stripes trousers the whole weekend and you can quote me.