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What in gah's name is happening to the economy people? I blame that CERN physics experiment. Since they fired that thing up Hurricane Ike has almost wiped Texas off the map, Tom Brady's NFL season ended after a couple minutes and now we're on the very brink of another Great Depression. Damn those science nerds.

Or it might be that the entire global economy is at the very mercy of a bunch of greedy bastard modern day alchemists in suits who turned lead into gold by managing to sell off over priced stock for catrillions of dollars, banks lending money to people who you wouldn't feel confident lending a pair of garden shears to and regulatory dudes in Government who didn't understand the systems they were regulating (cough cough for example Gordon Brown cunt cough) and were asleep at the post when these greedy fuckers were engineering their fortunes while putting everyone else in the poor house.

It's like learning to ride a bike this banking collapse tosh. If you're traveling at a decent speed and hit a bump you'll be able to regain control pretty soon, but if you're going to slow you'll fall off and going too fast you'll end up going over the handle bars. It's fine when your Dad's holding onto to the seat and running behind you keeping you at the correct speed, but if he started gawping at a sexy lady and lost his concentration and you went off without him you were going to have an accident.

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I don't understand it people. How the world has gotten itself in a position where a game of bingo can determine whether the next five generations live an abject poverty or not. Stock prices bare no resemblance to their true value, speculation rises the prices or reduces them. Speculation and completely unpredictable events. Predictable trends are irrelevant because everyone can predict them so it's what's hidden in the shadows that determine the fate of everything.

If you knew a stock was defo going to rise tomorrow you'd want to buy it, but it wouldn't rise tomorrow cause if everyone knew about this predictable rise they'd buy it today and sell if they knew it was going to fall.

Essentially it's just bollocks then. Stocks in beer for example suddenly plummet cause some Doctor's research shows it gives you AIDS, hurricanes, CEO sexual scandals involving rodents and so on are what really affect stock prices. It's like picking number 43 when playing the lottery cause it hasn't appeared in any draws for a while and you think it's due.

Added to the bollocks banks like Northern Rock were dishing out mortgages to people even Greenhill Finance wouldn't accommodate and wouldn't you know it, suddenly cabillions of horrible home owners with dirty finger nails couldn't pay their mortgages, Northern Rock collapsed as did Lehman Brothers and anyone with shares in these companies suddenly had a bunch of golden pieces of paper turned to lead.

There was a time not so long ago where anyone who wanted to buy something either saved up for it or put on a suit and went cup in hand to the Bank Manager.

A real bank manager who made you feel like you were a piece of shit and his eyes burned their way into your very soul and if he suspected for one second that you were a bad investment he had the security dudes throw you into the nearest puddle on the street.

Now everyone has their own accounts manager and everyone receives at least three applications a week for a credit card.

The Federal reserve in the US let Lehman collapse to remind banks they couldn't fuck around and expect to be bailed out. Here Gordon Brown decided to socialise all of Northern Rocks debts with a view to privatising any future profits should it ever make any. Probably guilt at fucking up how banks were regulating when he was Chancellor.

Not the way to win elections though. The tax payers foot the bill while the dudes at Northern Rock whose incompetence designed their business model all run off with their bonuses deposited safely in Switzerland.

It's like being in a restaurant and seeing a bunch of fat bastards in £4,000 suits at one table eating lobsters and drinking champagne straight from the bottle and shoving Ferrero Roches up their anus's, then suddenly seeing them all sprinting towards the door without paying the bill. The restaurant owner immediately adds a surcharge to everyone else's bill to cover it and those patrons are all on a diet of bread and water for the rest of the week.

A chain reaction of bank and listed company collapses could see us all wearing dungarees, living in Hoovervilles and eating in soup kitchens by the end of the decade and we still won't know from the Physics dudes whether God made the universe after all.

I tell you what as well, Premier League clubs have got to do away with shirt sponsors cause that's three companies - Northern Rock, XL.com and AIG - so far in a couple of weeks that have either gone bust or nearly bust after sponsoring PL teams.

It's madness, madness. Somebody, quick, call somebody.