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I've been listening to the various Mercan politicians banging on about the threat posed by Iran recently and quite honestly people I'm baffled by it. Iran poses as much of a threat to the US of States and our good selves as the Isle of Man. I don't think it has anything to do with oil anymore. I suspect it's this whole 1984 thing where by Mercan politicians must have a kind of Emmanuel Goldstein figure of hate at all times.

In the past it's been a series of Russian Presidents, then it was Bin Laden when the Cold War ended, then Saddam Hussein now it's Ahmadinejad. They just need to be fighting a war or on the brink of war at all times. It's why they fight nouns now instead of actual countries. Wars on Terror, Wars on Poverty and so on.

They're either oblivious to, or just plain scared to accept the real threat to the continuation of the human race, not just Merca, comes from China. If they were to make it known to the Mercan population that China know owns them financially and they outnumber their population by about 6 to 1, there'd be chaos. Best just to hint at possible terror, rather than identify an actual threat. Keep them on edge without actually causing coast to coast riots.

This eastern sleeping giant is bad news for us more so than the Mercans to be fair. Mercan owes China financially, but they owe us violently.

When we ruled a quarter of the globe we destroyed much of China in two opium wars because they wouldn't let us sell heroine there and also because we felt their spoken and written language was daft.

Now then, by ousting the Taliban from Afghanistan we have rejuvenated the Opium industry after it had almost disappeared. I hope this has been some exceptional foresight on the part of our Government.

Incidentally, I must give heroine a try one of these days as we've fought so desperately to keep the stuff flowing into our country. It seems only right since our soldiers have sacrificed their lives that we all now sit about and inject heroine into our penises like on Trainspotting.

Anyway, I digress. You see now, the Chinese over the years have transplanted their population amongst our number very subtly and with ostensibly good motives. There is now a Chinese restaurant in every single town in the world and a China Town in every major city.

As far as I'm aware there is no little Persia in England and the nearest Iranian restaurant is on London's Edgeware Road. By comparison Iran is no more a threat to the free world than a batch of mouldy corny dogs.

While China continues to embed it's people into our society one can only be reminded of that scene in Independence Day where those ships, directed by the mother ship, hover into place above all the major cities all over the globe. A major offensive is on the cards and there's going to be nothing we can do about it unless we've already made counter measures.

China could go to war with the United States tomorrow. If they were to shoot each other on a one-to-one basis until the entire population of the USA were dead, China would still be left with 900 million "people"! Gasp! Our combined armies don't even have enough bullets to see off their army. The only way we could afford to buy 2 billion rounds would be to have them made in China!

Forget Iran US politicians. Forget your silly obsession will oil. The threat is further east. Had we acted sooner we could have had a chance to save our species with the manufacture of very bright toys.

If there's one thing we do know about China, they love toys. When gun powder was invented we made weapons, the Chinese made fire works. While the Greeks used paper to write with, the Chinese made kites and ran about giggling.

But wait; they know this. They are aware of their potential Achilles heel and have acted. Where are all the toys manufactured now? China. We can't use force and we can't use toys.

As far as I can see, the only means available to us by which we can defeat this seemingly invincible army is by inducing heroine addiction on a massive scale upon their population.

Opium rice and opium chai is the key to our survival. Hopefully I haven't been giving our politicians credit enough for their forward thinking and we're actually in Afghanistan to harvest as much heroine as possible. We can then introduce it to the paddy fields and soil of the tea crops via drops with unmanned drones and almost over night the threat is neutralised.

In no time at all we could have the entire population of China on top of hills giggling away chasing the dragon instead of the dragon chasing us. I think I've said enough. Let's be careful out there.