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Whenever they have holy pilgrimage's in India, the Sikh or the Hindu's, they always end up stampeding, crushing or drowning each other in huge numbers. They never seem to consider the irony of this though.

What sort of God would allow his own worshipers to trample each other to death on a weekend specifically devoted to him? They travel for hundreds of miles in their bare feet to bathe in holy waters or kiss a wall or something and they either end up drowning each other or collapsing the damn wall on top of themselves. And not one single dude has ever called for a moments silence to consider whether or not this whole God malarky might be bollocks after all.

The essential arithmetic here is that given the number of catastrophes at these pilgrimages, your Gods are either extremely malicious or just useless in which case you don't need to worship them - or, and forgive my blaspheme ..or, they don't exist at all and you're all just asking for trouble when thousands of you pile into a river with a fast flowing current wearing clothing that is totally inappropriate for deep waters. Those dish-dashes when they're full of water must weigh close to half a tonne...you haven't got a chance.

So Hindu's and Sikh's, if you must continue on these annual certain death marches, why not organise them a little better so that maybe only 50 people are kissing the wall at once and maybe wear something that'll give you more buoyancy if it's a water related event?

I'm just about recovered now from a punishing hang-over. Sunday we were blind-sided by some new quiz nerds we'd never seen before, so even though we tied with the initial quiz nerds who had brought their own chairs and were quite fat from eating too much chocolate who had beaten us last time out, we ultimately lost again by two points to these new dudes. Bastardo's!

I don't like losing and took my frustrations out on a bottle of South African Chardonnay when I got home. I may never be the same again. It was as if the stuff was fermented from P W Botha's testicles. Yesterday I dragged myself to the Fox with acidic nausea swishing about in my stomach and a piercing pain behind both eyes.

Fortunately I was knocked out fairly early after hitting a set of deuce's only to find young Jimbo with a bigger set of Jacks (which then made quads) and was able to make it home just in time to launch about a pint and a half of bile and stomach acid all over my front path. Awesome. I love it when you're sick and haven't eaten so all you can vomit up is your own fluids given to you by the lord our God.

My last few flying monkeys are telling me that the head cheeses in Washington have fortunately been able to thrash out an agreement where by the tax payer is just about going to take it in the neck while preserving the bonuses of all the rich bastard CEO's who's very seven houses are at stake.

Fortunately the $700 billion will be stumped up by the tax payer and no accountability will be demanded by anyone in how it's spent. Phew...let's not get the common man involved or he may want his mortgage secured or something silly.

Can't wait now until this fiasco comes to London in a few weeks time.

Chicago's South Side before the great lexicon crash of the early 30's from which America never fully recovered

Dallas Cowboys Vs Washington Redskins - Washington (+11.5) 4/5

Now then. Serious now. Washington Vs Dallas. Dallas have so far been the best of an inconsistent bunch, but the 11.5 point handicap they've been shouldered with against their most awesomely mighty rivals from Washington is way too much.

The Redskins are 4/5 on the handicaps and I shall be filling my wellies. Dallas may have a good offense but they're not so good defensively, which they proved by almost losing a shoot-out with the Eagles on September 15th (-9.5 I think they were on the handicaps that night), they cannot give the Skins 12 points and expect to win 5 times out of 9. No Sireeee.

Coupled with the fact that Terrell Owens almost certainly wears ladies underwear, I have no choice but to take the 4/5, with possibly a few shillings on the 4/1 outright also.

* * *

I am up before the sparrows this morning (I have been to bed) to see the boy Valentino Rossi finish on the rostrum thus collect the 16 points he needs to win the MotoGP crown for the 5th time in the Japanese GP.

I have bet on Jorge Lorenzo just so I don't jinx Rossi and because he's 4/1, starts from pole and has looked faster this weekend than the belt-lasso of a Glitter Gulch witch when an unsuspecting fat walleted tourist meanders in for a cold one.

I'm now gonna make me some Risotto as it's vaguely Italian and I feel like I should.

Boomp3.com

If you want to know the truth I think the Mets have blown it again. I do, I do. They're undisputed kings of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Just like last season they seem to have wrestled an almost no lose position from the vice like grip of triumph.

I fancy Florida to put them out of their misery this evening. Take the old tired sheep dog out to the barn and blow the mother away. Sad ending for Shea Stadium, but if you will build a stadium that looks like an Eskimo's ring piece from the air you have to expect it to be filled with shit, that's what I always say and I think you know what I'm trying to say and you can quote me. The End.

*They've managed to drag it out to the final day. The Mets must beat Florida again and Milwaukee must lose to Kansas. I can't see it happening - Florida and Kansas may have nothing to play for, but Florida are division rivals of the Mets while Kansas aren't even in the National League so Florida might try harder to see mess up a divisional rival's season. Plus people generally don't like the NY teams. So yes, just so you know.

The first Presidential debate is on tonight held in Mississippi. If you're up at 2am it's well worth a look-see. These things can be brilliant. John McCain is more than capable tonight of wading into the cheap seats and tearing an audience member a new one if they ask him tricky questions. Someone always makes a complete tit of himself during these debates.

John "Insane" McCain said on Toosday he would not even attend the debate unless he has personally solved the global economic crisis, saved the world from tyranny and uncovered the secrets of alchemy, but has now reversed his decision after someone pointed out what a prat he was making of himself. Should be a tough crowd for Obama too as Mississippi put the red in red-neck.

John McCain's mentalism tightened it's grip on his intelligence today forcing him into a bizarre move that has provoked a deluge of American football metaphors.

"McCain asks for Time-Out"; "McCain fumbles the ball"; "McCain's Hail-Mary" and a couple of other observations including, "McCain is a freakin' nut job," which came from 34 year old newspaper stall holder from Queens, NY, Tony McGillicuddy, "No disrespect, all due respect, forgeddaboutit" he went on to say.

What's occurred is this people: John McCain reckons that the economic crisis is soooooo serious that ALL Presidential Campaigning must cease and desist so both candidates can relocate to Washington and concentrate 100% of preventing Merca from slipping into another Great Depression.

A sphincter says what??

What was supposed to happen was that Obama and McCain were going to agree to release a joint statement both recognising the gravity of the situation and both agreeing that the problem superseded partisan politics and they would both be on hand when called for to help the money dudes in Washington if they were required. That was what was meant to happen.

Instead, John McCain decided to go on TV instead before this statement was released and called for both candidates to cease campaigning until this crisis was abated and the first Presidential debate scheduled for this Friday night in Mississippi to be postponed.

Obamarama, taken slightly aback by this move, was then obliged to make his own statement in which is said, "what the fuck is wrong with you Grandpa?" I'm paraphrasing here, but that's essentially what he said. He also reminded McCain that a President really ought to be able to multi-task.

Being President is not like those fights in Bruce Lee movies where you just have to deal with one adversary at a time....me thinks McCain knows this, but felt he had no choice but to try and stall the debate on Friday as he knows his poll numbers are plummeting and he's only going to make it worse by appearing on TV live with Obamarama.

Never a truer word spoken. Sometimes in life you just have to take sides. I'd like to make on which side of the fence I sit with regards the important issues of today's world a matter of public record.

Pepsi or Coke? - Pepsi


PC or Mac? - Mac

Oxford or Cambridge in the boat race? - Oxford

McDonalds or Burger King? - McDonalds

USA or Europe? - USA

AA or RAC? - RAC

Cars or motorbikes? - Motorbikes

Showers or Baths? - Baths

Dogs or cats? - Dogs

Spider-Man or Superman? - Spider-Man


Prince or Michael Jackson? - Prince

John Lowe or Eric Bristow? - John Lowe

Beer or wine? - Beer

Snooker or Pool? - Pool

Tom or Jerry? - Tom

Hurricanes or tornadoes? - Tornadoes


Missionary or doggy doggy? - Missionary

Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone? Sylvester Stallone

Quick death or a pensionable age? - Death

Diarrhea or constipation? - Constipation

Public hanging or lethal injection? - Public hanging

The strip or Downtown? - Downtown

Boomp3.com

Week 3 people and this Sunday's theme will be the hunters become the hunted. My wagers this week will focus on beating up on teams with predatory animal logo's. Most notably the Arizona Cardinals (Cardinals pray on defenseless seeds) because they're playing my team the Redskins and John McCain is their senator.

Arizona Cardinals Vs Washington Redskins - Washington 8/11 outright win

The Redskins are 8/13 for the win. It's a skinny price, but I don't rate the Cardinals. They're 2-0 but one of those wins was against Miami which you should only get half a point for and the other was against San Francisco, who despite a good win against Seattle, are still one of the weaker sides in the NFL. Washington have played the defending champions in New York and N'Awlins and are 1-1. They're a hard team to beat at home especially if you're a team who have had a 2-6 road record the last three seasons and 1-7 in 2004. So there.


Cincinnati Bengals Vs New York Giants - Giants (-13.5) 10/11

I read somewhere that tigers only attack humans from behind, which might explain why the Bengals always seem to be going backwards. Cincinnati even with a 13.5 handicap ought to take a pasting in New York. If the Giants can beat the almighty Redskins by 9 they can certainly beat the 0-2 Bengals by 14 and you can quote me.


New Orleans Saints Vs Denver Broncos - N'awlins 15/8 outright win

Denver may have been granted providence by saviour Barack Obama after they hosted the Democrat National Convention. Since Obama's speech at Mile High stadium the place seems to be protected by divine intervention. Or they may have just been lucky fuckers. I'm not a believer so I'm subscribing to the lucky fuckers theory, plus they're up againsy real Saints here and N'awlins ought to find them out. New Orleans at (+5.5) 10/11 seems daft to me, but I shall be going for the juicier 15/8 on offer for an outright win.


Tampa Bay Bucanneers Vs Chicago Bears - Tampa Bay 5/4 outright win

I'm not convinced by Chicago. They did beat Indianapolis, but I'll wager that was an exceptional result and not something they'd be able to repeat if asked to go back this week. I might be able to kick a tennis ball into a basketball hoop from centre court at the first time of asking but I'd give you the bird if you asked me to do it again. If it was later in the year and Chicago's winter was acting as their 12th man I'd give this one to the Bears, but it's not a factor yet and Tampa Bay are my pick for an outright win - (+3) 17/20 is a safer but slightly gayest alternative.

Since it's hockey season soon I felt it was time I watched Slap Shot again. Not only the best hockey movie ever, but possibly the best movie ever. Ever. Ever. Starring Paul Newman and the legendary Hanson brothers. Even if you don't like the game it's worth watching just for the high level of violence.

I'm just cooking some sausages so while they're sizzling away I thought I'd drivel on about the NHL for ten minutes. The preseason starts tomorrow and I've never felt so alive. Now I loves the Arsenal, I likes the NFL and MLB and I'm quite fond of OMC, KLF and some other stuff represented by three initials, except of course to be fair to it, the USA - but hockey is without question my favourite sport.

I'll watch hockey at any level cause I find it simply to be the best game to watch. I used to trot along to watch the Oxford City Stars on a Sunday evening before the Pigeons Game was permanently added to my social calendar. You'll never find me watching Sunday league football however, no sir! In fact as far as football goes, you won't find me watching any other games really that don't involve Arsenal.

So yes ...the NHL wooooooooo. It's a proper man's game isn't it. That's the appeal for me. I don't mean man's game in the same way that Rugby is a man's game. I mean it's played by dude's who don't cry when they get hit and they don't spend three weeks on the physio's couch with strains , tweaks and cramp.

Plus, PLUS, they're allowed to police themselves. Not to the same extent they were in the 80's when that amusing phrase, "I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out" was coined, but the NHL recognise that the players have to be able to police themselves for there to be a game.

See in the Premier League if some sunday league standard no mark breaks a strikers ankles, he get's a few games suspension and the sympathy of the media. In hockey if you cheap shot a centre, on the next shift a 230lb toothless Canadian with a stick is going to make you wish you hadn't have done that. Awsome.

Over the next few days I'll be adopting an amusing Canadian accent, suffixing all my sentences with "eh?" I'll be wearing various hockey jerseys and if the opportunity arises I'll gun down a mooose. If it doesn't I'll just be rude to one of the uglier girls in the centre of Carterton hanging out by the kebab shop.

Before the season opener on October 4th I will have briefed myself on the comings and goings of the off-season in order to execute an all-out assault on the UK's bookies who indeed know noffin about the sport. All of my sports wagers come October will be NHL-ly in nature and by May I will have accumulated enough wealth to realise my dream of owning my very own Eastern European house keeper.

I'm not keen on golf I'll be honest. Mostly because of the elitist culture surrounding the sport which dictates members of even the crappiest golf clubs must adhere to ridiculous rules and regulations. Shorts can only be worn with a belt, shirts must have collars, black people must be accompanied by their owners and so on.

I will watch the Ryder cup this year though which for some reason will be played in the mythical, majestic halls of Valhalla.

I'm not bothered who wins, I just want to listen to Di Stewart send me coded sexual advances.

Just now she was explaining how under-performing in the Ryder Cup has plagued some of the best golfers in the history of the sport, which I took to mean she'd like me to massage chocolate moose into her supple inner thighs and lick it off over the course of ten to fifteen minutes.

Hopefully Nick Faldo won't be appearing too often. It's very hypocritical of us to criticise American golfing crowds for their loud, galling and obtuse behaviour while we have an arrogant twat captaining the side and have given Ian Poulter license to strut about the place dressed like John Inman.

I'm backing the Mercans and I will be wearing stars and stripes trousers the whole weekend and you can quote me.

What in gah's name is happening to the economy people? I blame that CERN physics experiment. Since they fired that thing up Hurricane Ike has almost wiped Texas off the map, Tom Brady's NFL season ended after a couple minutes and now we're on the very brink of another Great Depression. Damn those science nerds.

Or it might be that the entire global economy is at the very mercy of a bunch of greedy bastard modern day alchemists in suits who turned lead into gold by managing to sell off over priced stock for catrillions of dollars, banks lending money to people who you wouldn't feel confident lending a pair of garden shears to and regulatory dudes in Government who didn't understand the systems they were regulating (cough cough for example Gordon Brown cunt cough) and were asleep at the post when these greedy fuckers were engineering their fortunes while putting everyone else in the poor house.

It's like learning to ride a bike this banking collapse tosh. If you're traveling at a decent speed and hit a bump you'll be able to regain control pretty soon, but if you're going to slow you'll fall off and going too fast you'll end up going over the handle bars. It's fine when your Dad's holding onto to the seat and running behind you keeping you at the correct speed, but if he started gawping at a sexy lady and lost his concentration and you went off without him you were going to have an accident.

* * *

I don't understand it people. How the world has gotten itself in a position where a game of bingo can determine whether the next five generations live an abject poverty or not. Stock prices bare no resemblance to their true value, speculation rises the prices or reduces them. Speculation and completely unpredictable events. Predictable trends are irrelevant because everyone can predict them so it's what's hidden in the shadows that determine the fate of everything.

If you knew a stock was defo going to rise tomorrow you'd want to buy it, but it wouldn't rise tomorrow cause if everyone knew about this predictable rise they'd buy it today and sell if they knew it was going to fall.

Essentially it's just bollocks then. Stocks in beer for example suddenly plummet cause some Doctor's research shows it gives you AIDS, hurricanes, CEO sexual scandals involving rodents and so on are what really affect stock prices. It's like picking number 43 when playing the lottery cause it hasn't appeared in any draws for a while and you think it's due.

Added to the bollocks banks like Northern Rock were dishing out mortgages to people even Greenhill Finance wouldn't accommodate and wouldn't you know it, suddenly cabillions of horrible home owners with dirty finger nails couldn't pay their mortgages, Northern Rock collapsed as did Lehman Brothers and anyone with shares in these companies suddenly had a bunch of golden pieces of paper turned to lead.

There was a time not so long ago where anyone who wanted to buy something either saved up for it or put on a suit and went cup in hand to the Bank Manager.

A real bank manager who made you feel like you were a piece of shit and his eyes burned their way into your very soul and if he suspected for one second that you were a bad investment he had the security dudes throw you into the nearest puddle on the street.

Now everyone has their own accounts manager and everyone receives at least three applications a week for a credit card.

The Federal reserve in the US let Lehman collapse to remind banks they couldn't fuck around and expect to be bailed out. Here Gordon Brown decided to socialise all of Northern Rocks debts with a view to privatising any future profits should it ever make any. Probably guilt at fucking up how banks were regulating when he was Chancellor.

Not the way to win elections though. The tax payers foot the bill while the dudes at Northern Rock whose incompetence designed their business model all run off with their bonuses deposited safely in Switzerland.

It's like being in a restaurant and seeing a bunch of fat bastards in £4,000 suits at one table eating lobsters and drinking champagne straight from the bottle and shoving Ferrero Roches up their anus's, then suddenly seeing them all sprinting towards the door without paying the bill. The restaurant owner immediately adds a surcharge to everyone else's bill to cover it and those patrons are all on a diet of bread and water for the rest of the week.

A chain reaction of bank and listed company collapses could see us all wearing dungarees, living in Hoovervilles and eating in soup kitchens by the end of the decade and we still won't know from the Physics dudes whether God made the universe after all.

I tell you what as well, Premier League clubs have got to do away with shirt sponsors cause that's three companies - Northern Rock, XL.com and AIG - so far in a couple of weeks that have either gone bust or nearly bust after sponsoring PL teams.

It's madness, madness. Somebody, quick, call somebody.

So I'm having a snooze this afternoon on my sofa and am woken with a start as my door bell rings. I manage to work out that it means there's someone at my door and just manage to find my front door and get it open before the caller gives up and walks off.

My eyes are blurry, but I zero in on a huge square blue badge on the guys blazer. "Good afternoon sir, I'm sorry did I wake you?" he inquires very politely.

I say nothing at first. I focus on the blue badge. There are some white letters on it and the thought occurs that this bloke is from Blue Square and I've had a huge accumulator come in that I'd forgotten about.

I then look at his hands though and he's holding a bunch of cards sporting pictures of ducks. I realise he's from the RSPB. Meanwhile I still haven't answered his question as to whether or not he's woken me up. The 6 or 7 seconds of silence so far as him feeling uneasy.

I should have apologised to him and explained respectfully that I'm not currently in a position to make a contribution. All I could manage though was, "I hate birds."

"Er,...oh OK sir no problem, thank you er..thank you for your time."

I felt bad about this. I wanted to say thank you, but no thank you and good luck etc, but my mouth wouldn't cooperate. "I hate birds" was all I said to him. He'll go away from this experience thinking I'm a total cunt.

It's true I don't like birds, but I respect charity workers and I don't like being rude to them. Had he been a Jehovah's Witness I'd have stuck the pages of his silly book together with some of my wank, but not a charity worker. Bad Richie.

I'll be veering from my NFL betting philosophy today in consistently backing teams from cities with high murder rates.

Today I shall be mostly backing peaceful city teams; Denver, New England and Kansas. I quite fancy Washington to beat N'awlins tonight, but I'm reluctant to back teams that I'm a fan of. It's also a very dangerous place and not consistent with the peace theme.

I quite fancy Stoke to get a win today also and Valentino Rossi to win the Indianapolis MotoGP despite young Aussie whipper snapper Casey Stoner making it through qualifying without ploughing his Ducati into the crash barriers.

I made an error on my blog yesterday. I backed Newcastle not Hull. Silly me on my wager and my blogging error. I have made the appropriate amendments.

That is all.

I bet on Liverpool to beat Man Utd today, but also Newcastle to beat Hull. I knew Newcastle were bad, but I assumed they were good enough to beat Hull. Fuck it.

I concentrated a lot this night and now my face hurts, but it was all worth it. Inspired by Lance Armstrong's decision to come out of retirement now that his system has been completely flushed clear of god knows what chemical mix, I myself came out of online poker retirement to play the APAT Stud thingy.

I was concerned that this physics experiment under the good people populating the Swiss/France border might end the world before I had a chance to win one of the medals you get for a top three place in APAT events, which would leave me as the only member of the Witney inc. Carterton Mob without one.

I thought I'd blown my chance too as I was cruelly disconnected after raising when holding Queens on third street late in the game when the blinds were about two catrillion and four catrillion - with only a dude with an 8 showing between me and the juicy big pot. One of the reasons why I gave up computron poker.

The Gods were just fucking with me though, I think they get bored on Wednesday's and to cut a short story a bit shorter, I now have my medal, a silver one though as the heads-up conclusion to the event was rather one sided.

In other news I heard tell of an England win against Croatia! I was just saying a few blog entries ago how effective Theo Walcott is for England - sort of. When it comes to Arsenal providing the England squad with players, it's quality rather than quantity I think you'll agree.

It's September 10th already! Where has the time gone people? Where? Like a typical bloke I haven't done any of my 9/11 shopping. I haven't even sent any cards out, have you? I don't think I'm even going to bother this year.

There was a time when I'd make sure I was awake at 8.46am, on September 11th, but now I think it's only Rudi Guiliani who's making the effort - probably wrapping himself up in a flag and so on.

I think once you've accepted that Al-Qaeda doesn't actually exist it's pointless. The whole day is for children really isn't it? Children and Republicans. I'd rather just stay in bed all day.

What's occurring here? Well I'll tell you. Not much. I took delivery of a little Asus Eeeeee today. Bless it, it's a tiny little fella that looks like it was made by Mattel. I'm not one for gadgets as it go, but I do seem to have accumulated a few of them recently.

My justification for this purchase was that it would encourage me to spend my days in the corner of coffee shops drafting the best poker novel ever written. I hit a wall as far as my motivation for my Booker prize winning effort goes. I thought if I invested some money in myself I'd get back on it. Not so much money though that I'd be back on the fish finger and pot noodle diet.

A stumbling block with this novel just so you know is in how sophisticated to make the hands that are played out through the course of the game involved in the story. Obviously I'm awesome at poker and I want this to be a poker book for poker players, but I don't want a potential publisher to read it and wonder what the fuck is going on.

On the other hand people, I don't want to compromise too much and it end up being a cliched load of old tosh where quads Aces are beaten by a straight flush while some other dude has a full house and so on, the sort of thing you see in Bond films or any time poker features in TV drama for that matter. I will not whore out my game for the sake of monies. NO SIR! Unless it's A LOT of monies.

I'm also having trouble writing a blow job scene. I get a part way through it and get too aroused by my own prose and need some me time. I might cut that scene or I'll never get this thing written.

In other news, another trip to Slovenia was on the cards in October until I realised it coincided with the APAT Pro-Am event that I promised myself I'd win. Just by the law of averages I should hit a flop in one of these events eventually, so I've crossed my fingers it'll be this one. Luton might not have as much to offer as Nova-Garica, but I'll tolerate it and they don't have the dangerous 80 cent wine there to cloud my judgement.

That is all.

Let's be fair to Andy Murray, he may look and behave like a Muppet, he may be a sweaty both literally and cockney-ryhming-slangally, but he's OK at tennis. OK as compared to the really really good players.

Unfortunately for the whiny jock he has the "British" media distorting any sense of perspective he might have on his chances of beating truly world class tennis-smiths like Roger Federer in an actual important final.

Like Amir Khan, little Tim Henman and even littler Tom Daley to name but three, Andy Murray has been hyped to the eye-balls as a legitimate member of the tennis elite, but in real terms is no such thing.


The idea that he was going to win this US Open thingy was as barmy a notion as Tom Daley winning a medal in Beijing. Why was little Tommy even there incidentally?

For experience? What experience, how to lose really really a lot. Reminiscent of Theo Walcott's baffling sojourn in the previous world cup squad, that one. Waste of everyone's time. He could have stayed at home at least until his balls had dropped.

Murray is not necessarily a waste of everyone's time, but he's not ever going to win a Grand Slam. I don't know much about tennis, but I know that. It's OK to abandon him though English media..he's Scottish, he's very insistant about his Jocklitude.

I accept that there's no one else to follow as we speak. But what about that little English girl who's good instead? The one who won the Wimbledon junior thing this year after beating that very strong junior lesbian in the final. I forget her name, but you know who I mean, oui?

She's defo English anywhoo and in four or five years may have a legitimate shot and being only the second heterosexual female to win Wimbledon in nearly a century. Just when she arrives on the professional scene, go easy on the poor girl. Don't speculate on her becoming queen of the galaxy after only one season. Easy.

I've said my piece, I'll bid you good day.

Boomp3.com

So I'm hearing that on Wednesday somewhere deep underground on the French/Swiss border, scientists could end the world trying to figure out some stuff that doesn't really mean anything! Awesome. I really hope this goes catastrophically wrong. I'm so bored with Earth aren't you?

Apparently there's gonna be some new dimensions appearing, possibly some black holes and some physics occurring that no one will really understands. Like in Spider-Man 2 where Dr Octopus' experiment goes bandy and almost sucks the whole freakin world up his own anus.


They say there's no need to worry about these black holes developing and sucking the whole Earth into them. "It'll be generations before they're big enough for that to happen you big sillies," commented one of the science boffins in charge of this ludicrously dangerous caper. Oh that's OK then, we won't be sucked away until 100 years from now. Phew!

In your face people's grand children!!

Baaah. I'm so angry now I may just burst like a bally balloon. I may never sleep again for sure. I was scheduled to take a Mensa test today (Monday), but just now realised it was in fact on Sunday about 13 hours ago. I'm asking them to accept me as one of their number, yet I'm not intelligent enough to read a calendar.

I so wanted one of their orange mugs. I'll have to wait until November now. That's if they'll even let me take the test now I've demonstrated what a thick twat I can be. I'm so pissed off I had to change my puppy picture. How will I drink coffee now? I may as well be dead.

I've been listening to the various Mercan politicians banging on about the threat posed by Iran recently and quite honestly people I'm baffled by it. Iran poses as much of a threat to the US of States and our good selves as the Isle of Man. I don't think it has anything to do with oil anymore. I suspect it's this whole 1984 thing where by Mercan politicians must have a kind of Emmanuel Goldstein figure of hate at all times.

In the past it's been a series of Russian Presidents, then it was Bin Laden when the Cold War ended, then Saddam Hussein now it's Ahmadinejad. They just need to be fighting a war or on the brink of war at all times. It's why they fight nouns now instead of actual countries. Wars on Terror, Wars on Poverty and so on.

They're either oblivious to, or just plain scared to accept the real threat to the continuation of the human race, not just Merca, comes from China. If they were to make it known to the Mercan population that China know owns them financially and they outnumber their population by about 6 to 1, there'd be chaos. Best just to hint at possible terror, rather than identify an actual threat. Keep them on edge without actually causing coast to coast riots.

This eastern sleeping giant is bad news for us more so than the Mercans to be fair. Mercan owes China financially, but they owe us violently.

When we ruled a quarter of the globe we destroyed much of China in two opium wars because they wouldn't let us sell heroine there and also because we felt their spoken and written language was daft.

Now then, by ousting the Taliban from Afghanistan we have rejuvenated the Opium industry after it had almost disappeared. I hope this has been some exceptional foresight on the part of our Government.

Incidentally, I must give heroine a try one of these days as we've fought so desperately to keep the stuff flowing into our country. It seems only right since our soldiers have sacrificed their lives that we all now sit about and inject heroine into our penises like on Trainspotting.

Anyway, I digress. You see now, the Chinese over the years have transplanted their population amongst our number very subtly and with ostensibly good motives. There is now a Chinese restaurant in every single town in the world and a China Town in every major city.

As far as I'm aware there is no little Persia in England and the nearest Iranian restaurant is on London's Edgeware Road. By comparison Iran is no more a threat to the free world than a batch of mouldy corny dogs.

While China continues to embed it's people into our society one can only be reminded of that scene in Independence Day where those ships, directed by the mother ship, hover into place above all the major cities all over the globe. A major offensive is on the cards and there's going to be nothing we can do about it unless we've already made counter measures.

China could go to war with the United States tomorrow. If they were to shoot each other on a one-to-one basis until the entire population of the USA were dead, China would still be left with 900 million "people"! Gasp! Our combined armies don't even have enough bullets to see off their army. The only way we could afford to buy 2 billion rounds would be to have them made in China!

Forget Iran US politicians. Forget your silly obsession will oil. The threat is further east. Had we acted sooner we could have had a chance to save our species with the manufacture of very bright toys.

If there's one thing we do know about China, they love toys. When gun powder was invented we made weapons, the Chinese made fire works. While the Greeks used paper to write with, the Chinese made kites and ran about giggling.

But wait; they know this. They are aware of their potential Achilles heel and have acted. Where are all the toys manufactured now? China. We can't use force and we can't use toys.

As far as I can see, the only means available to us by which we can defeat this seemingly invincible army is by inducing heroine addiction on a massive scale upon their population.

Opium rice and opium chai is the key to our survival. Hopefully I haven't been giving our politicians credit enough for their forward thinking and we're actually in Afghanistan to harvest as much heroine as possible. We can then introduce it to the paddy fields and soil of the tea crops via drops with unmanned drones and almost over night the threat is neutralised.

In no time at all we could have the entire population of China on top of hills giggling away chasing the dragon instead of the dragon chasing us. I think I've said enough. Let's be careful out there.

I chose not to play the world championship of online (amateur) poker Omaha event this night, instead I was called to the Three Pigeons for to have my arse handed to me by the Poker gods.

Three handed I had before me the chip lead, stacked like the 'Tower of Babel,' commented Neil, and with that observation my fate was sealed as the poker gods saw that it was bad and immediately did scatter my allegorically stacked chips amongst the remaining players.

Three reverses in quick succession saw me out in third after shoving while holding 8-7 on a flop of 5-6-7 only for the silent assassin on my left to insta-call with 8-4; Losing with 9-9 against K-9 and then soon after my A-K succumbed to 6-6.

Cock fucking shit, fuck my life.

So not much occurring in my world as we speak. I'm slightly disgruntled that a double wager I placed last night that would see Canada and the US of States win their World Cup qualifiers against Hondorus and Cooba respectively was denied by Canada giving up a 1-0 lead eventually losing 2-1.

How does a country with a population of about 40 million lose to a country with a population of about 27 (not 27 million, just 27). Half the population of Honduras were involved in this game! Bastardo's.

Today I shall mostly be watching Mercan football. That rugby people's old chestnut about Mercan football being for girls cause of all the padding is nonsense. Anyone with any sexual experience can see rugby for what it is; a thinly veiled homosexual orgy.

The Mercan's wear padding to prevent themselves from accidentally violating each other sexually. Meanwhile rugby's regulations demand that at regular intervals you must have you head inside a team mate's anus - that is not a sport people, it's something we need to protect our children against.

Today I've wagered on Houston, Detroit, Philadelphia and Dallas. When it comes to Mercan football wagering, as a good rule of thumb I like to just bet on the teams from cities with the highest murder rate.

I shall now make steps to registering for the World online poker championships of poker online world championships omaha event of online poker. God speed and bless you people.

My flying monkey's confirmed this afternoon that 95% of a population are sheep; only 5% of a population are actually doing some independent thinking. This explains why people in Merca voted for Bush twice.

It ought really to be the responsibility of the news medias, who potentially can have an enormous influence on the behaviour of the obese masses, to shepherd the herds of voters towards the correct candidates, but they don't. I've been watching them a lot recently and they're completely redundant.

Therefore the Republican party are able to brainwash half the country into actually buying into the idea that the shittier life they'll get under their administration is a good idea. If you say something enough times people will believe it. Convinced are they in the hick towns all over the country that terrorism is a real threat when in fact it's as much of a threat as being killed by fruit.

Only now are they realising that in fact a fucked up economy and even more fucked up health care system poses the real threat to their lives. What were CNN doing when the Mercan people were sat at their wee kitchen tables trying to figure out how to pay their mortgage? They were bleating on about why Barack Obama isn't wearing a tie pin or ridiculing him for bowling like a gayer.

While they were pursuing shallow and convenient narratives that would free up as much time as possible for them to forgo any obligation to the Mercan's to offer up some serious investigative journalism and instead allow them all as much of their own airtime and build up their own celebrity status - poor Mercan's were scratching their backsides and buying into how important it is to spend $10billion a month on occupying Eye-raq at the expense of paying their bills and buying insurance to cover the massive medical bills for all the heart disease treatments eating corny dogs every meals has caused.

Larry King for example, who looks incredibly like a frog, will quite happily kick Obama off his interview schedule if Paris Hilton will agree to come on in a skimpy frock. Ratings and their own self interest is the priority. Wolf Blitzer has a beard and that says all you need to know about him.

As a consequence you have the most ridiculous contradictions being thrown around by McCain's campaign without any of the news networks questioning them. How, for example, can any self respecting journalist not question how Barack Obama can be both unsuitable to be President on account of his lack of experience in Washington, but also be a part of the Washington Elite? Is it even possible for a black man in Merca to be an elitist?

How people, how can they turn the enormous bigotry still alive and well in the country around and make it Barack Obama's problem? Instead of asking America why it is still so racist in this day and age, they ask what Barack Obama is going to do to make up for the votes he's missing out on cause most people in the south still refer to him as a nigger.

Sarah Palin's speech was considered a "home run." They like that phrase in the punditry booths. No one questioned whether it was hypocritical, sarcastic, lacking substance and rather unpleasant. Sarah Palin insists her 17 year old daughter's decision to keep her baby was made by Brizzle and only Brizzle, and so it should be. But Sarah Palin is pro-life and if she were President would take that decision away from the individual teenager.

When her own family is concerned it's a private matter and non of the meeja's or the Government's beeswax, but if she has her way the rest of Merca will not be afforded that luxury. The Government will decree that other teenagers in the same position will have that baby whether they want it or not - regardless of whether they may have been raped, or whether they have reason to believe the baby may have serious physical of mental illness. None of this has been discussed by any of the news dudes. Instead they debated weather or not Sarah Palin's hair was an appropriate length (it wasn't).

A blonde woman on CNN suggested that whatever the ideological implications of Sarah Palin's speech last night one had to be impressed by the delivery and moved by her honesty and eloquence and ability to motivate the R'Peblican base. Huh? Hitler's speech's were motivational, are we to retrospectively ignore the content and admire the man's ability to move a nation into fanatical fascism?

It's very dangerous that dude's like Larry King, Wolf Blitzer and gayest Anderson Cooper have decided not to bother with proper journalism any more because a pilot-less liberal media allows king of all arse heads Bill O'Reilly and friends on Fox News to shepherd the mindless 95% of the nation towards the mentalism mantra of John McCain.

There is the tiniest ray of hope however with this vulnerable flock of mayonnaise sammich eating sheep; they can apparently sense fear and predator's all have different scents. And they are most sensitive to the scent of a Fox. Hopefully even the most sheepish of sheep can detect this dangerous and foul smelling stench emanating from Minnesota at the moment and I'm not just talking about McCain's horrible B.O. I think you know what I'm trying to say.