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My people in Washington tell me Barack Obamarama is perhaps just hours away from disclosing who will be his running mate for the November elections. I've had a mole camped out at Peaches Beauty Salon on Pennsylvania Avenue and 12th street for the past six weeks and according to the rumours fed back to me his decision may cook up an indigestible soup of worry, danger and douchebaggery.

Forget the news blogs, if you want information go to a woman's hairdressers that's what I always say. They know everything. As far as rumourmongering and gossipping go, they're streets ahead of any media outlet and the proprietor of Peaches, Keesha Delfino, is the best.

I still think Barack Obama should be able to nominate the Cookie Monster as his running mate and still defeat John McCain who has so mentally eroded he can no longer recall how many houses he owns!

True that; he was asked by a reporter how many houses he owns and he couldn't remember! "I'm not sure," he befuddled "I'll have my staff get back to you on that." Does America want to trust a dude's opinion of the economy being "not so bad" when he can't even recall how many homes he owns? The world would have to blow up before he'd feel the crunch, for everyone else life is a little more frugal.

Anyways, evidently the short list comprises these three dudes: Joe Biden, Evan Bayh and Time Kaine. Uh-oh! Caroline Kennedy's remit here was to choose the perfect compliment to Obamarama's fresh but inexperienced approach to politics in Washington, but she appears to have selected three potential sexual douche-bags laden with old school Washington baggage and oak paneled closets filled with rotting skeletons.

One of Barack Obama's main advantages over the mentalist John McCain apart from not being a mentalist is holding the moral high-ground on the war in Iraq. McCain voted for it and is eager for it to continue forever and Barack Obama voted against it. This was also a key issue in his bitch fight with Hillary Clinton; she also voted for the invasion.

Joe Biden and Evan Bayh as well as being part of the establishment and therefore the antithesis of change, also voted for it. This will not only lose him the moral advantage he holds over McCain, it will irritate the Democrats who voted in Obama's favour over Hillary because of his anti-invasion stance.

This leaves Tim Kaine. Who? Exactament. Although the boy Kaine also voted against an invasion of Iraq he's a nobody, which is one of Barack's problems also to a certain extent. He's also Governor of Virginny and they haven't voted for a Democratic President since before Spurs were Champions.

While he may reverse this 50 year trend, he probably won't, and has very little use to the Obama campaign other than this. There's also a further issue with all three candidates. A delicate issue we don't like to talk about out loud at parties but which they yell from the balcony's of Peaches Beauty Salon. I think if you look at their pictures it's clear what the problem is:

Yes, clearly they all have sexual scandal potential. Just look at them. What price would you lay that they have all enjoyed extra marital affairs financed via their juicy expense accounts. John Edwards did it while his wife was dying of cancer, these dudes are of the same ilk simply because they're all profession politicians and it's part of their make up. It's what they do people. Especially the guy in the middle, look at him; heavens to Betsy I bet he's wearing womans underwear in that very picture.

There's two other candidates Barack ought to consider by my way of thinking. Bill Richardson because he's Governor of New Mexico and Barack needs the latino vote and also because he looks a bit like a game show host and kind of fun to be around and you know that's a vote winner. A huge percentage of the morons who voted for Bush admitted to doing so because they felt he'd be more fun to have a beer with than John Kennedy.

Bill compliments the "change" mantra of the Obama campaign perfectly. When did America ever elect a game show host? He's called Bill and finally he also did not vote in favour of an invasion of Iraq and has been very outspoken vis-à-vis the need for a complete withdrawal from Iraq.

One of Keesha's clients, Shoneese DaFranseen seems to think Richardson's ethnicity is a double edged sword however. He's the son of illegal immigrants and New Mexico is full of illegals also and the US of States population are almost phobic about Mexican immigrants. They'll let in Canadians by the dog sleigh load, but not Mexicans who are much cooler people. Weird eh?

This leaves one final candidate - Caroline Kennedy herself. Daughter of JFK and although she probably won't pick herself there's no reason why Obama can't.

Dick Cheney was asked by George Bush to select a Vice-President and he decided to pick himself so he could rule the world and so there's an irony in Caroline Kennnedy picking herself too.

She'll have the backing of all the hysterical Hillary women who as we speak are still sat around each other's living rooms crying and eating chocolate and mourning the lost opportunity of electing a sister as President and well, Caroline's father was rather popular and will forever be a liberal icon.

An Obama-Kennedy ticket seems to me to be the perfect match for a campaign centred on change and reversing America's journey to the dark side. I'm hearing Obama will enlighten us tomorrow.