Voy Por Ustedes

Before I make some tea and have a biscuit I just want to make it absolutely clear that if David Cameron is to become the next Prime Minister then we are all doomed. As much as I dislike Gordon Brown I find David Cameron even more nauseating and am even more concerned for the future of the nation should he get his mitts on the keys to number 10, spechly with Boris Johnson with the keys to London.

I dislike him so much in fact that I've found myself agreeing with the columns written by Peter Hitchens in the Daily Mail - I don't buy it, my parents do. Honest. Why can't he just get one of those jobs that pays millions but isn't really a job like an advertising position or management consultant? Somewhere were he can't do us all irreparable damage.

He's getting a free ride from the country and all of our news media at the moment because Gordon Brown is such a walking catastrophe. Someone needs to look at this man soon and ask him some searching questions about what he's planning on doing to us all before it's too late. The answers will be a selection of nonspeak and rhetorical blue sky type gibberish and a couple of authoritive promises to send troops into absolutely everywhere to bring peace and love to the globe. I believe we've heard this sort of thing before no?

I'm not sure if it was a sick joke, but he did mention admitting Georgia into NATO! A sphincter says what? NATO? Let's ignore the fact that Georgia is no where near the Atlantic, what is he suggesting we admit them for? So we can then send troops into Tblisi when the Russians invade again? What troops? What NATO? That's an organisation that exists in name only. Who exactly are we going to send over there? The Salvation Army, St John's Ambulance and a few hundred special constables in flouerscent tabards with a remit to ask the Russians to move on or else they'll tell the Parachute Regiment? Can we give the Russian Army an ASBO?

And why in the name of pee pee's and foo foo's would we want to protect Georgia anyway? Because they're being bullied by nasty Russia? And as a beacon of democracy in the old eastern block we must stand behind them? I don't mind us standing behind them as long as it can be 4,000 miles behind them. It's hardly a democracy anyway if my flying monkey research is correct.

A quick look at this Mikheil Saakashvili's previous election win and you'll see he won the last one with a majority of 94%. That's even more suspect than this summer's A-level results. At least Robert Mugabe and Kim Yong aren't pretending their elections are fair. Georgia is about as sweet and innocent and democratic as the Imperial Alliance in Star wars. Call me unsympathetic, but their problems vis-a-vis Russia are their fucking problems.

It's very important that something serious happens to David Cameron before it's too late. He has a startlingly small mind and has less substance to his politics than René Garcia Préval president of Haiti who still uses voodoo to determine domestic policy.

We have just over a year before the next general election. If the spotlight is not pointed straight in this mans glazed eyes soon, then I fear it'll be the death of us. His social reforms he's promising will bring us down from within. It'll be like having George from Rainbow in charge. Murderers will be given counselling instead of life in prison. Rapists will receiving training in home economics. Vandals will be taken to camps and systematically hugged until they cry out their rebelliousness and angst. Meanwhile anyone caught smoking, littering, not getting their five a day or forgetting to recycle will be sent to newly built gulags for re-education.

It'll be like that scene in Robocop where he goes all nice and kids start graffiting him and he continues to bang on about how pretty trees are while the city burns around him. This will happen people, it IS happening people. I'm leaving. I'm going to live in a hollowed out horse chestnut tree in Norfolk and befriend the wildlife. I suggest you do the same.

Now then..some tea.