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I'll be attending Stud school this week. I'm sorry ladies NO, we're not talking about the do's and don't of satin sheets and leopard skin effect smalls, we're talking poker.

The world thingy of amateur poker is coming up next week at the Vic and with Stud, Razz and Omaha events to be won I must get my learn on.

I have the short term memory capacity of a fish, and am not very numerate, which in turn makes me a fish in the poker vernacular. I have therefore devised a cunning method for to help me remember exposed cards...NO ladies, I'm not talking about committing to memory visions of the likes of Eddie Izzard naked, this is something one would hope to forget anyway and I'll thank you to keep your filthy innuendos to yourself.

I cannot fix in my thinking head with only a few seconds to do so a bunch of cards spread out across a poker table which are quickly scooped up by a dealer. I have therefore assigned animals to each of the thirteen ranks. Aces for example are sharks. If a player is dealt an Ace I picture a cool shark in my head and it's suit tattooed on it's side. Two aces and I picture two sharks. Somehow I fnd it easier to remember two sharks than two Aces.

With this information easily accessible, should I require an Ace at some point in the hand I shall know immediately if there are any remaining in the deck. Awesome. It's very very important however that I do not get absolutely battered during the game of course because not only will this ruin my ability to utilise this method, but my dreams will be horrendous.