Manchester United go south

4/08/2009 11:23:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich /

"When it goes, it goes quickly, and there is nothing you can do about it." Do you know who said that and what he was referring to people? I'll tell you. It was Alex Ferguson in 1995, but he wasn't discussing his own sanity or the durability of his pelvic floor muscles, no, he was explaining why Blackburn Rovers were wobbling so badly in their attempts to wrest the Premier League trophy away from Manchester United.

Never a truer word spoken. Losing confidence and momentum suddenly and for no apparent reason as the finish line approaches happens a lot in sport. Like the knackered race horse with nothing left in the tank trying desperately to negotiate the final up hill furlong at Cheltenham, I declare that Manchester United have failed to make the trip.

They were never that good in the first place. If you remove fake Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney from the line up the myth that they have a deep squad is exposed. Dangerously exposed to the footballing elements. Much like Sir Ernest Shakleton during his attempts at the South Pole, Manchester United are wearing only a wooly jumper and have only a bag of pot noodles to fuel their campaign.

No proper trophies for you this year
Ferguson you red nosed bastard

Shakleton failed, but lived to tell the tale. Manchester United are not made of the same stuff however. Not only will they fail on all fronts, but one has to fear the worst for their survival: Already millions of pounds out of pocket following the collapse of AIG; cabillions of pounds in debt thanks to the careless over-confidence of their American owner Malcolm Glazer in his investments; without a trophy this season other than the Pepsi-Cola Cup; one has to assume fake Ronaldo will leave in the summer which leaves Wayne Rooney alone to shoulder the burden of another greulling season which can only end in utter failure and a mid-table finish at best, possibly even a relegation battle.

With no Champions League football for the foreseeable future they will no longer attract star players to their fold and their prawn sammich munching crowds will start to diminish. A domino effect ensues collapsing the whole club.

As we have seen with the global economy, once this process is set in motion, it's progress is swift, devastating and it's momentum impossible to arrest. The stresses and strains of a collapsed empire must also manifest themselves in the shape of a massive heart attack for Ferguson and poo all down his leg, possibly during his berating of a fourth official for not adding on twenty minutes injury time at Old Trafford as United face a 3-0 drubbing by West Ham. The final nail in their respective coffins quite literally hammered home, if you'll excuse the pun.

Schadenfreude is not my thing people, I'm a sympathetic and benevolent chap by nature, except when it comes to football and Manchester United, Alex Ferguson, Liverpool and Tottenham in particular. At times like these I circle like a buzzard waiting to feast on their rotten carcasses. I may be wrong of course.

There will be people who disagree with me. It may be said their final chapter is not yet being written. But I feel it inappropriate to compare them to a book. A team comprising Ji Sung Park, Darren Fletcher, John O'Shea and Edwin Van der Sar has no spine for one thing. More a tragicomedy but where the comedy lies is in the tumultuous catastrophe at the end that is not averted and the end is nigh.

I must profit by this people, both hedonistically and financially. I must be ruthless. I shall therefore be taking the 6.6 offered up on Betfair for them to end the season potless save the 7-up League Cup. Gore Vidal once said it is not enough to succeed, everyone else must fail. On this occasion it is not enough Manchester United fail, I must succeed.

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