He was right you know, W.C. Fields when he said, "if at first you don't succeed try, try again. Then quit. There's no use in being a damn fool about it." The poor woman I witnessed this morning trying to reverse park her people carrier agreed also, fortunately for her husband.
I'm waiting to get off home after to purchasing some sunglasses and some shampoo from the chemist, but my passage is blocked by a failing attempt by said woman to back into a space large enough to build a four bedroomed house on.
I look on with a combination of frustration, astonishment and fascination as does another motorist equally eager to get off home who was approaching from the east. Her first attempt to be fair to her ought to have earned her a ban from driving.
This was spacial unawareness on a massive scale. Worse even than the woman who reversed into a petrol pump at 35 mph who you can read about here. Her second attempt was approximately four inches better than her initial effort.
At this time her husband in the passenger seat, who had by now noticed the sizable crowd of onlookers, had leaned forward and was presumably shuffling about in his glove compartment searching in vain for a length of chord or a sharp stabbing implement with which to end his own life, but alas nothing. His eyes looked to the heavens and I lip read, "dear lord why have you forsaken me?"
His deliverance from parking hell came presently though as his wife refused a third attempt and drove off passed me with a look of pure indifference on her face juxtaposed to the expression of pure rage on the husband's face. A look that is all too common when couples shop together.
Shortly after, three cars slotted neatly into the space left vacant by the vacant countenanced woman who I suspected may also have been Scottish.
Moving on now, I was able to breath a sigh of relief this weekend with the news of Charlton Heston's death. Quite an appalling man. A rather ironic death I would think when a man so keen on God judging by all the biblical movies he pranced about in sporting various leather outfits all oily and not too subtly homo-erotic, is then struck down with Alzheimers disease.Next to Reagan, it couldn't have happened to a nicer bloke. A civil rights campaigner who also becomes president of the NRA when almost 80% of shootings and gun crime involve African Americans is rather hypocritical in my opinion and holding an NRA convention in Denver a few months after the Columbine massacre was ever so slightly insensitive and so I hold no sympathy for the man who hopefully will have descended steadily but surely into lunacy and shit himself many times along the way.
A brief digression if you'll indulge me; the crazy Italian woman I spoke of previously ran a home for Alzheimer's patients. One of the afflicted women absolutely refused to accept I wasn't Gilligan from Gilligan's Island and once launched a chair at me because I refused to assist her when she wanted to go upstairs to her bedroom.
No matter how many times I explained to her that the house didn't actually have a second floor she refused to accept it. Many a chair injury was inflicted on me before she finally gave up and channeled her aggression towards the rubber plant in the corner.
* * *
I was flicking through a copy of Playboy that someone must have left in my bathroom earlier and I'm reading an interview with Bruce Willis in which he confesses to becoming highly aroused at the smell of coffee on a woman's breath! Coffee I tells ya!
This is an appalling confession. Coffee, toothpaste and nicotine are obviously the three worst oral emissions. For me, it's always important wherever possible to craftily offer up to any woman I'm planning on entertaining, drinks or foodstuffs that have coconut as their main ingredient. Yum and yum I think you'll agree.
That is all.
This is an appalling confession. Coffee, toothpaste and nicotine are obviously the three worst oral emissions. For me, it's always important wherever possible to craftily offer up to any woman I'm planning on entertaining, drinks or foodstuffs that have coconut as their main ingredient. Yum and yum I think you'll agree.
That is all.
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