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I’m currently fighting a titanic consumer battle. It’s a battle I cannot hope to win and has given me a sense of the injustice and resentment the Treaty of Versailles gave the Germans after the Great War and consequently got Hitler so wound up. The corporations have got us by the balls man. We’re a vanquished people, but I will fight on.

They want every penny out of us, every damned penny. They’re watching us too you know. Always. I went for a poo at 4am yesterday and immediately upon my return to my bedroom, on my Mac, Google Ad’s were showing deals on toilet paper.

Price targeting they call it. Consumer bitch slapping I call it. They know, they know, that some people just don’t care about how much they pay for stuff. “Price insensitive” if you will. They want the monies from people who buy cappuccino mochochoono de vert latte’s for £4 from Starbucks, despite the fact that a regular cappuccino costs £2 and the difference in costs to Starbucks to make the former beverage is about 3p.

Small, medium. large coffee's it's just about finding those people who don't care what things cost. A large cappuccino costs about 50p more than a small one, but to make it costs the coffee shop about 4p more. Bastardos!


Because of my supermarket phobia I get food delivered to me. A sort of cooler meals on wheels. The website offers the shopper who can’t cook, a convenient means of purchasing meals. See the price of Coq-Au-Vin:


See the price of Coq-Au-Vin once I’ve signed in:


Amazon got in trouble for this sort of behaviour back in the early days. The cookies they leave on your computron record your shopping habits and allow the company to tailor their prices according to each and every shopper i.e. they can shaft every single one of us. Bastards!

It’s a sneaky online means of snooping out the cappuccino mochochoono de vert latte buyers, the people who buy Del Monte orange juice instead of the supermarket's own brands which are packaged in a bland and boring way to make them look shit even though they're exactly the same.

Southern Electric is at it too you know. They’re relying on our lack of vigilance to shaft us. All of us! By God every damned one us. Economy 7 is supposed to heat your water and what not during times when the rate is low, midnight to 7am in my case. I’ve noticed though mine kicks in at about 12.40am. They thought I wouldn’t notice you know. They thought wrong dear lord.

Not that there’s anything I can do about this of course. Change to British Gas? Wankers. N-Power? Fuck no, I’ve got a beef with them going back nearly a decade. Unless I want to freeze to death I’m stuck.

Argos of course can fuck right off too. If you ever purchase something from them and have it delivered and require a refund, you won’t get the postage part of transaction back and they know you won’t argue the point either as it’s generally only a couple of the queens sovereigns.

British Telecom too, fuck my life they’ll be the death of me. I’ve been experiencing Broadband issues for weeks now. Several times I’ve spoken to a guy who insists his name is Colin, but in reality of course, being from India, this is highly unlikely.

I have nothing against the Indians, I’m reluctant to impose my Britishness on them because of the whole colonial thing, but it’s such a difficult accent to understand, I can’t help but get frustrated with them. I can just about order a curry – discussing technical stuff is so laborious.

Three times they’ve promised to sort my issues out. Eighteen different departments, fifteen different reference numbers and still I can’t crack one off in time before my connection breaks. What am I gonna do? All the broadband people are the same. They’re all shit. I’m either gonna have to accept it or start buying magazines again.

As for Sky TV, if I were given an hour and the assistance of the Saudi Arabian secret police to torture someone, it would be a toss up between Dick Cheney and Rupert Murdoch. Seven thousand channels and not a single fucking thing ever on that I couldn’t watch on You Tube.

What’s the point of Sky + if there’s nothing on you want to save? Sky + is the equivalent of a cappuccino mochochoono de vert latte. I fell for it and I’ll be paying the price for at least another 13 months.

Of course I exclude Apple from my struggle, I recognise I don’t actually need an iPhone, but I must get one as the coolness is worth more to me than the actual disparity in value. Every other corporation though I can only hope will be bent over and dry arse raped by another great depression, then they’ll know how I feel. That’s what I always say.

As soon as I win the lottery, which incidentally is about a 14,000,00 to 1 shot - meanwhile you only get paid £3m - I'm off from this capitalist hell hole. I'm off to Club Tropicana where drinks are free, fun and sunshine there's enough for everyone. EVERYONE! Cool Cool Cool Cool.