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Actually I did ok on this occasion, comparatively speaking. I was playing pretty well and built my stack up to about 34,000. The wheels started to fall off approaching the dinner break as I went from being nicely drunk, to pissed, and near on c*nted. Having said that, I was still going ok.

The one mistake I made was coming over the top of a guy without looking at his stack, he was committed and had Ace-King anyway. I sheepishly turned over King-Jack, but rivered him: One of the few occasions I’ve apologised and actually meant it. But that hand was an aberration, I played ok for someone that came very close to pissing in his own pants a few times.

Talk us through Day 1. You got to comfortably above average chips pretty quickly, what were the key situations that enabled you to blow it out your arse and piss your chips away to all and sundry?

Well, it took some doing actually, but as I've already alluded to, it wasn’t entirely my fault. I stole quite a few pots initially and I picked on a few people who I felt looked a little vulnerable. I got lucky with the King-Jack hand as I mentioned, and hit some good flops too.

Once I got to about 34,000 I really had to knuckle down if I was going to mess this up, but fortunately I contrived to get all my chips in the middle with pocket 6’s against pocket Kings. This was the hand immediately before the dinner break and set me up nicely to fuck the rest of my stack away quick-style once play resumed.

What were you realistically hoping for when you came back after the dinner break?

I was looking to be out within an hour. I didn’t eat anything at the dinner break and after - I think - the seventh pint, my eyes got really warm and I was the perfectly balanced man; half man half lager. I still had to some how figure out a way of losing 24,000 chips, which at that time was still well over the average.

I was able to lose about 12,000 when my own Ace-King lost to 8-9off and with about 12,000 left I think I decided to chase a flush and couldn't catch up. That was all she wrote really. I smelt the streets of Liverpool. Compared to the errors I made in Walsall though, I played like a champ in this event.

You have a history of donking off your chips in the hand immediately after the breaks, why did you choose to f*ck them away immediately preceding the break on this occasion?

It wasn’t something I chose to do consciously. I think I have a sixth sense when it comes to spotting completely unnecessary ways to lose chips. Losing 10-15,000 on the hand immediately after the dinner break had become so passé so it was nice to lose them on the hand before it this time around.

Before the dinner-break you were three sheets to the wind already, was it a conscious decision not to eat and see how drunk you could get and still pass as human?

At this point everything was on a semi-conscious level. I hadn’t eaten since about 9.30 that morning but I wasn’t hungry. I felt if I could just sink six or seven more pints I might reach a stage where I was clinically dead which would have enabled me to play on a different plain to everyone else.

I thought I saw Elvis on one of my trips to toilet. He’s a lot taller in real life.

Looking back on the event, what would you do differently?

I read a story recently about a magician in Mexico who performed the old ‘catch-a-bullet-in-the-mouth,’ trick.

One guy in the audience was so amazed he stood up and drew his gun and shouted to the magician, “Hey man, do it again, catch this one,” and shot him in the face.

What I need to remember is you can only fool people so many times before it eventually comes back to haunt you. Either people are gonna realise you’re at it or be too stupid to realise and play back at you anyway.

I’ve promised myself next time once I’m comfortably above the chip average I’ll calm the fuck down and play Harrington style hold ‘em until it becomes necessary to change gears again. I’m also going to bring some sandwiches.

What was your thinking behind making a pass at one of those big chairs when you came back from the toilet?

Ah well, after about five or six beers I started getting a bit randy. My eyesight isn’t too good anyway, but when I’ve been drinking it’s terrible. I was eyeing up what I thought was a stout package in the corner with funky green hair. Sometimes the chunkier woman can be great sport, but anyway, when I walked past I realised it was one of those cushioned chairs with a plant behind it, but I was game if it was so I tried my luck. I've got a rash now.

Once you were out you chose to play six card Omaha with two Welsh men you didn’t know, just exactly what the fuck did you think you were playing at?

Well, when you’ve made a pass at some furniture it’s anything goes. I was waiting for a seat in the Hold ‘em cash game and spotted two guys in the corner holding many many cards in their hands. This looks fun I said to myself so I sat down with Gareth and Gareth (probably) and they shared £100 of my money equally between them.

The year has only just begun and already you’ve shown new and interesting ways of losing from a promising position, can things get any worse?

Oh yes, the opportunities to lose are inexhaustible if you put your mind to it. Last Monday for example, I was playing Omaha and was chasing a flush; I put in a pot-sized raise as a semi-bluff but forgot that all five community cards were already dealt. I think if you’re capable of chasing a flush when there are no more cards to be dealt you can lose from even the most promising positions.

I think I’ll continue to drink heavily prior to and during the events because if I’m sober there’s an ok chance of my actually cashing and where’s the fun in that? Hopefully I’ll be able to make love to some furniture in Europe too this year and maybe Vegas in May.