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What’s your favourite planet? Mine is Neptune. It’s big and blue and awesome and has the coolest name. Mercury and Mars are obviously the gayest. For scale, if Earth was the size of a football then those two are only tennis ball sized and everyone knows how gay tennis is. And the Roman God Mercury was a messenger, which really means he was a secretary. Poof.

Neptune was an awesome God, a big fat man with a beard as all good Roman Gods should be. Not some nancy boy in a nappy skipping about with an olden days biro and notepad, and Neptune was able to vanquish entire countries with tsunami’s worse even than how the sea gets in Blackpool. Woooooosh, crash, drown, hark, gargle, waaaargh.


Jupiter is another pathetic planet. I don’t care how big it is. Jupiter is the celestial equivalent of a lardy benefit recipient who’s always banging on about how it’s his glands and nothing to do with how many bags of crisps he eats between meals and how little exercise cause of those silly buggy's.

Your basic Jupiters always expect to have things done for them; being fed grapes, arse wiping, hand jobs and so on. If I’m not mistaken, Jupiter has so many moons cause they act like a hand spinning a basketball cause Jupiter is too fat and lazy to spin itself.

So yeah, it’s Neptune for me. Incidentally, why were all the planets named after Roman Gods? Galileo was a Roman Catholic no? Why didn’t he give them Biblical names. I’m glad he didn’t cause planets called Peter and John would just be silly. I think I’ve answered my own question.

I’m going to bed now. I haven’t been drinking I’m just tired. Oh, I didn’t mention Uranus because it’s a comedy basic and I’m not 9. I’m above all that. You should be too.