Voy Por Ustedes

The Pigeons freeze-out tonight ended in a win for me. My first victory since some time in June I think. But I ran as smoothly through the game as Kippers Vindaloo through my small intestines.

That's as much as I can tell you about the evening however as the hand analysis hasn't come back from the lab yet. So baffling were the exchanges throughout the game I've enlisted the help of the worlds greatest minds to figure out what the f*ck was going on cause I'm buggered if I know.

Fortunately using my Button-Cam, I was able to record the proceedings, which I initially emailed to Professor Steven Hawkins. Unfortunately his conclusions were that he had - "not a c*nts chance in hell of working out the strategies involved.

"Give me a space question instead," he pleaded.

Peter Falk aka TV detective Columbo took one look at the footage and hit the bottle immediately, sending him into a wild rage. Consequently Mrs Columbo was on the receiving end of a roasting which he filmed on his mobile phone. He then ran off and was found hours later in a bush with a cigar inserted in his back passage.

The footage is now with NASA who have already made serious noises about involving the Chinese. Captain Colonel Rock Bronco sent me a brief text message; "My God man, what in the wide wide world of sports is going on here? This is too big for us, we may need the chinks."

I fear however, even with the aid of the Chinese, we may never fully understand Pigeons Poker and the propositions and theory that lay behind it shall remain an enigma wrapped in a puzzle surrounded by a mystery, dripping in a rich riddle sauce, as impossible to digest, without a poker rosetta stone, as Kippers Vindaloo.