Voy Por Ustedes

January soon then. One of the advantages of ignoring Christmas and not spending all my money on other people is that I am able to take full advantage of all the shopping opportunities.

Online opportunites of course. It'll be a sunny day in Hull before I go near a shop in January. I was trampled once by some sheep at a farm on a school trip when was 7 and I'm still not over it.

Now I don't mean to sound like a housewife, but I do so enjoy a bargain. If there's one thing I like more than having a whore tickle my anus with a peacock feather, it's a bargain. I think it's important we call them bargains rather than sales.

All this 50% off bollocks is, well it's bollocks. If these people are charging 50% less now than they did in December it's because they were charging you far more than the thing was actually worth before Christmas. I'll be in the market for some new pans and a nice new kettle and I won't stop until they're mine. MIIIIIIIIINE.

It goes without saying (but i'll say it anyway), that the one thing January is most unsuitable for is making resolutions. January is the bleakest, darkest, longest most depressing month of the year. Janus may have been the God of the Doorway, but the door must have been prison gates. These are entirely the wrong conditions to be setting yourself unattainable goals.

Anyone who resolves to lose 5 stone by the spring is wasting her time. January ought to be spent in hibernation. I personally log more pajamas hours a day in January than all the other months put together. I then emerge in February with a new hope, just like in Star Wars and then and THEN, start to figure out what I want to fail to achieve in the coming year.

If you've ever seen those websites where you can nominate at the beginning of the year someone famous you think will be the first to die you'll know how much fun they can be. I've chosen Fidel Castro. Coooba's Queen Mother really the way he's clung to live. Illness, assassination attempts, Cuban food; it's incredible how he's still alive, but I think this is the year.

He was quoted as saying he feels he shouldn't "obstruct the path of younger people" any longer, which to me is a clear sign he feels he's not long for this world. I find it amusing incidentally that he's referring to his brother Raul Castro when he talks of not obstructing younger people. His brother is 76 for fucks sake.

So anyway, it's Castro for me. I'll miss him if he does die. I used to play in his monthly Scrabble tournaments when I was living in the US. I used to helicopter in in the dead of the night. He's great company if you don't talk about his politics.

We had a little falling out during one of the finals though. Fidel laid down GALLETA on a triple word score for about 160, but the rules stated English words only and the referee made him remove it. I was able to win by 23 in the end, ironically, with the word CAKE, but he never spoke to me again and he had the referee tied up with piano wire and shot., but that was Fidel, oh happy days.