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Many things strike me funny this time of year and when I say funny I mean ludicrous rather than hilarious. The most obvious one is the buying of presents for people that aren't children. I mean reeeeeeeeally, if you're buying gifts for fully grown adult people, why wait until December? Why spread yourself so thin financially?

As soon as you cotton on the fact that gifts don't appear in your living room because of some incredibly generous fat German, then you're free to buy gifts for people at any time of the year aren't you? If you haven't bought anything this year for any of your friends or family, barring birthdays, then you're gifts at Christmas are insincere, so why bother?

You don't have to save up all year so you can then tear around the claustrophobically crowded shops buying stuff people don't want. You can spread this gift giving out over the year. If someone wants to buy me socks at Christmas cause they consider me a friend then that's very sweet, but I'll probably consider it more of an insult if the truth be told.

Socks are shit and there's no thought or sincerity accompanying this gift. However, if you pop over in April with a pair of socks that have my name on them and say I saw these and thought of you, well that's very pleasant indeed isn't it? You have purchased these socks because you wanted to and you genuinely were thinking of me therefore on this occasion therefore socks are an awesome gift and our friendship will be cemented forever and I will immediately make tea for us both while we laugh as I try on my new footwear and I shall love you forever.

Do you see the difference? Not only have you not gotten into financial strife by spending thousands in one big chunk, your gifts spread over the year arbitrarily have been received with genuine gratitude, this my dear friends is the very currency of friendship and wouldn't we be all the richer if we spent it in this way, oh yes.

So yes, the obligation to buy stuff for people at this time of year is indeed both daft, expensive, irritating and unhealthy. But it's even more so when two people who don't even like each other are partaking in this baffling commercial ritual.

I aim this at no one in particular. Mainly most couples in this country really. If you happen to be in a relationship where love and tenderness long since departed, and eleven months of the year are spent hurling verbal abuse at each other with the odd sprinkling of physical violence, why oh why oh why, just because it's Christmas, would you suddenly declare a cease fire and be nice to each other and spend hundreds of pounds on gifts you'll be busting over each others heads by mid-January? Why?? Tell me please!

I can propose only two theories for this behaviour; A) It's just insincere and you're only pretending until January 1st for the sake of it. B) It's a time for reflection and you've somehow found it in your hearts to forgive and to remember what is was that brought you both together in the first place.

Now then, if it's scenario A, then don't be such twats. Give up. Go your separate ways and see other people. If you must buy things for people, surely it makes more sense to buy them for people you don't hate? If you're tied together because of financial commitments or you have wee ones and feel you can't separate because of them, that still doesn't mean you have to buy stuff for each other. Still see other people I say, just be grown up enough to be civil when the wee ones are about or uncouple yourself from the financial chains that are your enduring hell.

If it's scenario B, there is no such thing as scenario B. Christmas is acting like alcohol on your tiny minds. You're not thinking straight, you're in the over-sentimental stage of being drunk and it will soon pass when the freezing and soul-destroyingly long January evenings kick-in. Use the party season to find someone else quick and spend money on splendid evenings out with them instead of the one who makes you disgust yourself.