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What have I done today? Well, I had a nice cappuccino, I had my hair cut and I went to Boots if you must know. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but have you any idea how hard it is to find a decent concealer stick for a man with my skin tone? It makes me so cross. I'm very fair skinned you see, but you would think the Boots people assumed we were all living in the tropics judging by their selection of darker skin toned concealers. And don't get me started on their lippys. Fuck sake, who wears Magenta before noon in this day and age? I'm not a fucking whore you know.

I'm sorry people, I don't mean to take my frustrations out on you. On a more positive note, congratulations to Hazell Tindall from the Shetland Islands, who has the opportunity as the worlds fastest knitter to defend her title in the world knitting championships in Minneapolis later in the year. Rumour has it she can knock up a sweater during a single episode of casualty. It's this sort of thing that makes me feel proud to be British. They say back in the day she gave an awesome hand job too and I don't doubt it.


People don't know this about me, but I'm a keen amateur scatologist. A woman from Clanton, Alabama was referred to me recently after she claimed to have seen an effigy of Christ in one of her stools. By the time I got hold of it, it looked more like Kenny Rogers if I'm honest, but so insistent was this woman of the numinous quality of her shit she'd decided to actually nail herself to a cross. She emailed me on Friday detailing her plans and said she'd email again Sunday night after her resurrection. I've not heard anything back. I think there's a lesson in this for us all.

Except Gordon Brown though apparently who's been praising Rowan Williams for sticking his hairy nose in where it's not wanted. This is the problem with having a Jock Presbyterian in number 10. Say what you like about Tony Blair, but at least he chose his religion according to which afforded him the better tax benefits. Not Brown though, he's a legitimate and very dangerous believer.

What you want from the country's leader in this instance is a speech along the lines of 'fuck off please, this is a secular country and while your ridiculous obsession with the paranormal is your own business, voice your rambling parochial opinions anywhere near the good people of Britain's legal system and it'll be the last thing out of your mouth for at least three months.'

But no, praise ..praise for his dignity. It's enough to make you weep. Thank fuck I resigned form the world some months ago or I might lose some sleep over this kind of thing.