Voy Por Ustedes

Alright now what the fuck is going on? Stop the world, stop the fucking world. Shhhhhhh QUIET!! Thank you.

Now then, have I understood this correctly; am I to accept as a British citizen that one of our school teachers working in Sudan is to be sent to prison or receive 40 lashes because she allowed her class of wee ones to name a teddy bear Mohammed?

I've got this straight have I? We're allowing this to happen? Deep breaths, deeeeep breaths. Woooooosh woooooosh ocean noises, wooosh, in with the good air out with the bad. 1..2..3..4..5..6...ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME!!

There was a time not too long ago when anyone uncivilised and stupid enough to harm a hair on a British citizen would meet the wrath of H.M Armed forces no matter how far away or what the cost.

Field Marshall Robert Napier hiked his way across 400 miles of mountains in Abyssinia in 1868 with his army just to rescue a couple of diplomats and crazy missionaries - who I would argue are worth significantly less than a teacher - from Emperor Tewodros II who mistakenly assumed he was a match for John Bull. I don't know what the Amharic translation for "d'oh" might be, but I imagine that may have been his last word before he blew the back of own head wide open with a gun which ironically was a present from Queen Victoria. Wicked sense of humour old Vicky, gawd bless her.

But not now though. Today we've probably apologised to the Government of Sudan for any offense and sent them a few billion quid in gold bullion by way of recompense. I don't generally have much sympathy for anyone from Liverpool, but it's hard to really appreciate how much bullshit this is. Muslim's really; are you honestly telling me that your God and his side-kick are so fucking vein and insecure they can't stand to be compared to a bear? A fucking teddy bear?

Would they not seek out his own vengance anyway? And I notice you're not flogging the kids...they named the bastard thing Mohammed, not the teacher. Shouldn't you be flogging them too if you feel this is such an unforgivable blasphemy?

Speaking off punitive flogging for blasphemy, you do realise what a contradiction it is don't you? I mean by punishing blasphemy you're actually blaspheming yourself. You're essentially saying God and his prophet need us to do their dirty work for them. You're saying they're a couple of pussies and need you to fight their battles. Your all omnipotent, all powerful omniscient God is afraid of school kids and a teacher from Toxteth so we better punish them so he doesn't cry.

If Mohammed really was that insecure you'd receive a lightning bolt to the face the moment your whip splits that poor womans skin open. Gordon Brown's response, "I'm surprised and disappointed." Oh well gee, thanks. It's great to know our Government is right behind us should we come unjustly unstuck abroad.

Me as Prime Minister...well I'm afraid you'd need more than a fictictious sky fairy to help you out of the trouble I'd give you. I'd fuck the Iraq and Afghanistan 'wars' and I'd send every regiment to Sudan instead, I'd bring the scally woman home, send all the Sudanese kids and women to Canada and I'd burn the entire fucking country Napier style and let's just see how quick Allah is to help you as you try and put the flames out on each other's backs in a country that hasn't seen rainfall since 1923.

One more thing...calm now. Seriously, who are these clerics that are always wanting cartoonists, authors and teachers whipped and blown to pieces? Does anyone appoint them? Has anyone actually consented to having these people represent them? No, I didn't think so.

Forty lashes could kill this woman. I sincerely hope the British Government do everything in their powers to reverse this sentence. If not to send a message to extremists, if not to encourage the rest of the world to treat our citizens with respect, if not to encourage the muslim world to calm the fuck down, then at the very least to prevent Liverpudlians from playing the martyr yet again and giving them an excuse for another fucking minutes silence at Anfield and Goodison.

Those people can't wait to get up in the morning to feel persecuted and have a minutes silence over something. They love it. Ken Bigley, Hillsbrough, the screening process for income support, anything. Cruel but they do...they do. No, but day do doh don't dee doh? Day do, day do doh don't dee doh?