The shelves the elves and the shoemaker

3/15/2007 07:55:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich /

Building flat packed furniture and shitting blood. Those are a couple of things I don't want my afternoons taken up with. Unfortunately today, needs must and although my bowels are fine, I did have a bookcase to knock up...and by bookcase to knock up, I'm talking literally.

I don't mean I was obligated to get the frumpy looking twenty-something who works at my local library, up the duff. Also, I know I frown upon bookcases, but I'm not using it as a bookcase, so it's ok.

Once it arrived my mind turned to the brothers Grimm and that magical tale of a couple of short arsed, pointy eared pikies who according to the story, were quite happy to work for free to prevent a shoemaker and his wife from starving to death. I know it's a fairytale, but even that should have an element of reality about it. You show me a pikey who'll work for free and i'll show you a pikey with something up both sleeves.

Anyway, I digress. I was quite sleepy and open to new and interesting ideas, so I decided to see if there were any of these pikies lurking in the nooks and crannies of my house. I gave an exaggerated yawn and said in my best pikey accent that Oi was gonna sleep now and oi wouldn't be waken up for a good four and foive hours so I wouldn't if the truth be told, oi'd probably not here or feel a hoss having a shit for himself on my face oi'm so tired. This gave any lurking DIY pikies confidence to come out and build my bookcase for me without any chance of me waking up.

I slept soundly apart from a nightmare about a couple of foot high pointy eared and pointy toothed gypo's who had sewn me to my bed and were threatening to chisel out my intestines if I didn't pay them £2000 for the spare gravel they'd dumped on my front lawn. So, sometime around 1-ish I ventured into the living room expectantly. What I saw there almost made my knees buckle and my eyes pop out.

As sure as eggs is eggs and no word of lie, there was my bookcase! Still in it's box. Those tight arsed little spud faced chancers had built the thing and then taken it back down again and put it right back in it's box, all just to spite me because I assume, I had forgotten to leave them a saucer of milk and some cheese.

So anyway, I got my Dad to build it for me instead. So the moral of the story kids, is if you want something doing, don't ask a miniature tax dodging thief, also, if you give a little love, it all comes back to you.

The End.


2 comments:

Comment by christi on 16 March 2007 at 08:25

How hard is it to ship something already built is what I want to know. Sure it takes up more room, but the postal service can suck it. It seems like it's extra trouble to make everything in crazy tiny parts then write nonsense instructions on how to put them together than just to make the damn thing already and send it made. I'm just saying.

Comment by Nicola on 16 March 2007 at 14:04

It's always good to learn some morals,but what I really want to know is what is the Bookcase actually going to be used for?

As far as elves go,never trust them.As I'm frequently told by my brother "Never trust anyone who can stand up straight and lick your knees"

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