Now then..I happened to be in the Co-op today. I’m a Tesco’s man now so I’d usually only be in there to ask for directions for how to get away from there etc, but on this occasion I was there because the Post-Office is located at the back, by the stationary and dairy produce.
There was an Australian present. I immediately made sure my money was secure. I knew he was Australian before I even heard his accent. I’ve spent a lot of time in the North-East and I can smell an underwear thief from 200 yards.
There’s some thing very unperturbed about the Aussie accent. I wouldn’t mind one of those accents myself I don’t mind admitting. I know for a fact that in NHS hospitals, when someone is in a seriously grim condition, they send in the Australian Doctors to deliver the bad news.
An Australian Doctor can make certain death seem like a cold. “Oh yeah Mrs Parker, we're we're not playing for sheep stations, looks like you’ve got a pretty serious bit of breast caaaancer, but we’ll just start you on a bit of Chemo this arvo and you’ll be right, skipping about like a bush whazzchucker.”
What’s he’s actually said there and how an English Doctor would deliver the same prognosis, is; “Mrs Parker, you’re fucked. You’re almost certainly going to die soon, but we’re gonna disfigure you for what little life you have left so that the very sight of yourself will make you choke and gag and we’re also going to pound you with radiation until you’re so fucked up that you won’t have the cognisance to care one way of the other and the sensation of flames thrashing your veins will take your mind off the fact that you’ve got no hair and you’ve just shit yourself without realising it.”
If I was Mrs Parker I know how I’d like to be told. Yes, Australians are genetically ordained for a life of underwear thieving or bar work, but if there’s some bad news to be delivered, there’s no better accent to deliver it. My advice if you ever need to inform someone of a death in the family or explain to your wife/girlfriend why you have lip-stick on your testicles, is to get an Australian to do it for you.
No worries.
1 comments:
I couldn't agree more. My old dog's vet was Australian. When he told me she had to be put down, it was a good laugh. "weee're gonna haaave to put 'er down bafore she does it herseelf' he said.
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