Why does Merca have such a confrontational foreign policy these days? I'm quite sure that not too long ago the good ole US of A considered itself an isolationist state. It never seemed to actually manage to keep it's beak out of other nations beeswax, but it sincerely intended to try it's hardest.
These days however, America can't wait to get up in the morning so it can go and invade some country or shock and awe another. Why the change? Why I ask you, why?
One theory suggests that Bush has it in his tiny mind that Merca has a sense of moral purpose here. Or even a divinely inspired obligation as the flagship of democracy to spread it's good word globally and as fast and apparently, as violently as possible.
That's nonsense though of course. My research has shown that it's simply down to the fact that America is full of fat bastards. And it's the obesity of its population that has made it so intent on destroying everything it has the capability to destroy.
You see, America essentially has become unhuggable. The average American adult is now so fat, so disgustingly obese that not even a baboon or orang-utan can offer it up a decent hug. Statistics show that in order to hug an American you would need an arm span of 9ft. Even the world of fiction would struggle to come up with anything capable of wrapping its arms round an American. Mr Tickle and Frankenstein's monster are the only two that immediately come to mind.Psychologists have long since advocated the frequent use of hugging. “Doctor” Rhankanfeckenstein of Berlin University told me, “Man needs to be feel wanted. It is one of the most fundamental needs of human beings. Unless one is cared for, one starts dying. Unless one feels that one is significant to somebody; to anybody, one's whole life becomes insignificant. Hence love is the greatest therapy there is. The world needs therapy because the world is missing love. In a loving world no therapy will be needed at all; love will be enough, more than enough. Hugging is only a gesture of love, of warmth, of caring. The very feel of the warmth flowing from the other person melts many illnesses in you, melts the ice-like, cold ego. It makes you again a child.”
Psychologists are now well aware of the fact that unless a child is hugged, he misses some nourishment. As the body needs food, the soul needs love. You can give to the child all the physical needs, all the physical comforts, but if hugging is missing, the child will not grow into a wholesome being. A lack of love leads to a sense of guilt. Guilt is the primary cause of aggression. He will remain sad somewhere deep down, uncared for, neglected, ignored. He’ll start drinking, taking drugs and shooting things unnecessarily. Eventually, he’ll run for Governor of Texas where he’ll begin executing people on a daily basis. Finally, a successful Presidential campaign will lead to global conflict under the justification of a righteous crusade. Before you know it, everyone hates America and a perpetual cycle of insecurity, guilt, violence, a total lack of hugging and eating disorders begin.Another area of my research suggests that this same perpetual spiral may have brought about the extinction of the dinosaurs. Would you hug a T-Rex? No, me neither, but even a T-Rex needs a hug once in a while, you know, just to say hey, I care. But the only creature with the minerals to go up to a T-Rex and hug it, would be another T-Rex, but obviously they can’t can they, even if they wanted to, cause they only had little spazzy Thalidomide arms.
So look, if you want an end to the war in Iraq, and an end to the Afghanistan war and prevent an invasion of Iran and North Korea and Mexico and Canada, round up two or three of your friends, head over to the nearest touristy spot (anywhere that has an old building should suffice), link arms and embrace those fat yanks, for Christ's sake do it, before we all die.
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