Voy Por Ustedes

BERTRAM, TEXAS -- Following a huge upsurge in horse thefts in West Bertram, Texas, Police efforts to stop so-called joy-riders have trebled, a senior officer has said. Local residents have criticised the police for their inability to suppress the growing tide of horse crime and spoke of feeling terrorised by gangs.

“I done got my shooting irons locked ‘n loaded ‘case them there gangs come within spittin’ distance a-my horse, you can’t rely on the poe-lease now see,” said local resident Bobby Ray Thorpewallop, 38. "There's more burnt out horses in this town than flies around shiiit."

However, Police Chief Dwayne G. W. Townley said police remained determined to deal with the problem. "Well boy, you can just be as sure as hell that those folks fixing to steal what ain’t rightfully belonging to no one but someone else is gonna get what’s comin to ‘em," he told a reporter from the Bartram Gazette.

“I got’s five of my best deputies on the case and we will bring home the bacon. We need help from the towns folks though, we ain’t making no more progress than a rattle snakes piss in a bucket of pig shit if they don’t start taking preeee-cautions, you understand what I’m saying boy?”

The pooooe-leesee, erm..I mean the police have said there has been a 28% reduction in horse crime in Bertram over the last three years. On Saturday, it emerged that gangs of horse thieves in the area have made a video of stolen horses being raced around the streets of the town and in the car park of Monty’s Bitches in Britches strip bar.

“I got my horse a stolen only last Toosday,” said local mechanic John T. Coltroone III, 34. “I done found him burnt out 'n smokin' in the south field oh Doc Anderson's ranch just dis mornin’ and I ain’t seen a sorrier sight than that more than an angels broken wing.”

Chief Townley has sympathised with local residents frustrations and repeated his determination to end the current wave of joyriding. “Son, I can promise you three things in this life: One, there ain’t no place but hell for a queer; two, you ain't nothing but a fool if play cards with a man with the same first name as a city and three, we’ll have these there joyriding som’bitches in chains faster than a whore with a Catholic priest, I can promise you that.”