Breakthrough in female mentalism

2/23/2007 10:49:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich /

COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY, NEW YORK – Science boffins at Columbia University have identified the area of the female brain, which may cause their arbitrary, vicious mood swings that have baffled man since the evolution of socially monogamous relationships.

Dr Al B. Dammed, Ph.D (181), who has researched non-sequential female behaviour in social relationships for twenty years, has identified an area within the brains’ limbic system called the amentiaglobo, an appendage to the amygdala, which controls such emotional responses as jealousy, aggression and fear.

This appendage, not present in the limbic systems of Dr Dammeds male subjects, may be the cause for the irrationality exhibited universally by women regardless of age, race, nationality or menstruational flow.

“This is basically a ball of terror”, explained Dr Dammed, a native of Edmonton, Alberta and keen hunter and scrabble player. “We call it the "Lucy Blob"* in honour of the first woman on record to murder her spouse as a direct consequence of the kind of mood swings this thing causes.

“The amygdala are almond-shaped groups of neurons located within the medial temporal lobes of the brain. They control many emotional responses such as fear and aggression.

"The amentiaglobo is a kind of balloon attached to the amygdala, which inflates and disrupts all the signals the brain sends out, causing the kind of crazy shit your wife or girlfriend no doubt displays on a regular basis.

“If you think of a persons emotions as a classroom full of attentive kids who sit quietly awaiting instructions from the teacher; They ask the right questions, they get answers, they follow instructions and the work is done. But when the inflation of the amentiaglobo is triggered, holy cow! It’s like throwing a damn cougar through the window of that classroom. It’s pandemonium, total freaking chaos.

Dr Dammed is confident his research can produce a treatment that can at least regulate the triggering of the Lucy Blob, which would at least allow men to predict when those over-emotional, indecipherable bouts of lunacy that plague every relationship, may occur. He does, however, accept his research is still in it’s infancy, even after twenty years.

“We don’t yet know what triggers the inflation, or what maintains them. They can last hours or even days. I mean, we’re still not clear if the amentiaglobo does cause the non-sequential irrational behavioural patterns in women, rather than the other way around.

“If it’s the crazy behaviour that causes the inflation of the Lucy Blob, that is truly terrifying because it means science has no solution to this problem and it’s over to the head shrinkers. Once Psychiatrists and Psychologists get into this we’re all in for a world of hurt, cause they’ll just call it a syndrome and make it worse.

"I mean it used to be craziness needed curing or you locked the person up. Today it’s all alternative expression and none of the craziness get’s cured and now the whackos are everywhere. Our relationships will be doomed, they’re already a baffling ordeal because of this behaviour and will be forever if we don't find a cure and we still have hell to look forward to”!

*Virginia Charlotte Lucy murdered her husband William Jonathon Lucy in 1887 with a broken wooden spoon after he declined an offer of a freshly baked flapjack, preferring instead to wait until after supper so as not to ruin his appetite. Virginia Lucy skewered her husbands throat with the handle of the wooden spoon she had used to cook those flapjacks and he bled to death a hungry man. She confessed to an over-reaction blaming the heat and the sodding children, but was convicted of first degree murder and kicked to death over the course of the next few days by the man-folk of Poughkeepsie NY.


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