Bernard Manning furious over culled Turkeys

2/05/2007 02:54:00 pm / The truth was spoken by Rich /

MANCHESTER - Comedian Bernard Manning was said to be furious last night as the culling of over one hundred thousand turkeys continued in order to prevent the spread of Avian flu, which threatens to do fuck all actually when you look at the facts.

"Look, just fuck off you lot, Manning (76) told reports at his Manchester home. It's got fuck all to do with me. It's Bernard Matthews you want."

Bernard Matthews was more philosophical. "Well you see, these there birds, they 'ave to be slaughtered so that they don't die, see" he told an American woman who was only in Suffolk cause she wanted to see where all the hookers were strangled.

Country folk with country ways. Despite the fact that Avian flu has only claimed 164 lives since it was first identified three years ago, and despite the fact that 135 people were blown to pieces in a single bomb attack in Iraq over the weekend, the discovery of a sick Turkey in Suffolk continues to dominate the 24 hour news channels who look for any excuse to add words like Pandemic, slaughter and cull and paint, Cassandra like picture of helpless doom and destruction.

Personally, I'd rather hear about how to prevent myself from drowning in the bath or being electrocuted at the hands of a pair of curling tongs, which statistically speaking, pose a greater threat to my life.

I long for a time when the general public can distinguish between a perceived risk and an actual risk. I'm made physically sick by FWWC's* who reach a state of blind hysteria whenever Sky News or the News of the World or any news media owned by Rupert Murdoch spots an opportunity to sensationalise an otherwise innocuous news story.

If the tabloid medias perception of the world was accurate, there really would be a paedophile on every street corner sporting a dirty cardigan, ready and waiting for our children, Werthers Originals in hand, and baby lotion in pocket. Every Muslim would have 20lbs of plastic explosives strapped to his waist and our Christmas dinner would bring about a plague the likes of which we haven't seen since THE plague. Boils in the armpits at breakfast, death by supper.

*FWWC (fat women with cats) is an acronym I'm hoping will become a colloquial term for members of the general public who aren't able to make reasonable judgments by themselves. I've found this demographic consists mostly of fat women who own more than three cats, but it is by no means restricted to them.


Comment by Jayne on 5 February 2007 at 18:02

Today, on Radio 2, Jeremy Vine did actually refer to Bernard Matthews as Bernard Manning by accident.
I laughed. Then I laughed a bit more whilst sucking on my Werthers and I nearly choked and died.

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