Keeping up with the Jones'

10/06/2007 07:52:00 am / The truth was spoken by Rich /


Marion Jones has pleaded guilty to pumping chemicals into her bloodstream on a regular basis during her athletics career and is now pleading for forgiveness because she is very very sorry.

Not forced attrition you understand, she's not confessing because it may save her fast-ass from prison, no no no, she's very sincere, she even cried and asked the almighty God for forgiveness too.

The same God who she thanked for winning her the Gold medals she's now saying she didn't deserve. Huh? How does that work then? If there was a God, he obviously didn't mind that you were cheating Marion cause he would have sent down a lightning bolt to stop you winning, so there's no need to ask for his forgiveness.

To be fair, there's no need to ask for anyone elses either in real terms. It's hardly a sensation is it. USA SUPERSTAR ATHLETE CONFESSES TO TAKING STEROIDS. Oh..wow, you don't say. Shit, I don't believe it. I mean reeeeeeally, if there's a single world class athlete out there who isn't taking some sort of chemical performance enhancer, then more fool them.

I've been saying for years steroid supplementation ought to be compulsory. Especially in the Tour de France. Jaysus, the human body was not built to ride a bike for 200 miles a day, up mountains. You can spot the guys in that race that aren't doped up, they're the ones who pass out and shit themselves and then slip into coma's.

Looky here now, take a decent look at your average retired athlete. Someone who's been retired for about 5-10 years who was at the top of their field in whatever sport they competed in; they're usually a physical wreck after a few years of retirement. Most of them can hardly walk. And it's got to be because the demands of the sport are too much for a wee human to tolerate. Without a substantial program of, ....well, substances, you might win people's respect for being 'clean', but you probably won't be able to walk when you're 40. Banana's and pasta are just not gonna cut it.

So anyway, I'd have more respect for Ms Jones if she'd just said looky here people, I took me some steroids, but I was still fucking good, that weren't no machine running them races, that was me, flesh and blood and you jolly well enjoyed watching me so who cares what petrol I was using? And aaaand, she may well have a knackered liver and kidney's and the fella's may have to lose a testicle, but that sort of surgery can be done over the weekend, lot easier than having new knees and a spine fitted, just ask Christopher Reeves, the ultimate clean guy. Right on!


Incidentally, there's a pretty simple way of spotting someone on steroids. Their bodies tend to look like they're sculpted out of plastecine. Something to do with lack of water or moisture in the body, probably why footballers get cramp so often late in games too. There's a definition in the muscles of your average basic doped up athlete that can't be achieved naturally. See Kelly Holmes suddenly out of the blue, winning two gold medals as an example. She looked like something out of that He-Man cartoon. Who cares though..what would the cat owning divorcee's in this country have to cheer about if she'd stayed clean?

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