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I tell you what, Premiership footballers are oft criticised for being prima-donna's and living in their own little world, but they're amateurs compared to their US professional sporting brethren. For a couple of classic examples see the NHL's Sean Avery and the NFL's Plaxico Burress.

If you could use that Hadron Collider thing to smash David Beckham, Joey Barton and Craig Bellamy together you'd end up with Dallas Stars left winger Sean Avery. Recently suspended indefinately by the NHL for the latest of a series of unsavoury comments and antics that have brought the game into disrepute.

Considered the biggest agitator in the league, i.e. dirty bastard, he's also been accused of making racist comments to Georges Laraque, a black French-Canadian enforcer who is fucking huge so that ought to give you some idea of how unhinged 5ft 10 Sean Avery is.

He took the piss out of Toronto Maple Leaf Jason Blake when he had cancer and last week - the incident which will see him gone for quite some time - the straw that broke the camels back - he asked the Canadian sporting press gathered in Calgary for the visit of the Dallas Stars - "why all these Canadian dudes keep falling in love with my sloppy seconds." His famous ex-girlfriend I forget her name, is now seeing a defenceman for the Calgary Flames. It's fascinating stuff.

If Avery is the biggest dick metaphorically in North American sport, Plaxico Burress is lucky he doesn't have the biggest dick literally cause last week he would have lost it when he shot himself in the leg! Twat.

He was in a night club a few days before a Giants game and he was sporting sweat pants which is retarded in itself. Who wears jogging bottoms to night clubs? Anyway I digress, he had his gun tucked in the waist band of his sweat pants and according to him it was slipping down and when he went to grab it it went off and he shot a bullet into his right thigh.

Awesomely they took him to the New York Presbytarian Hospital in Washington Heights where I used to work. What a prat though. This is very illegal in New York and carries with it a jail term anywhere between 3 1/2 to 15 years. Maybe he'll share a cell with Michael Vick the Atlanta Falcons quarter back who's currently got about 16 months left on his sentence after his conviction for holding dog fights in his basement.

Dennis Rodman still remains the paterfamilias of sporting prima-donna's but there's plenty of pretenders to his crown in all four major sports over there. Our footballers are fairly humble by comparison. It makes headlines about William Gallas being seen smoking one night seem a little trivial. Our lads really need to raise their game if they're gonna compete with the cream of sporting twats.