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I like to watch Star Trek: The Next Generation at 4pm. It's just a routine I've gotten into. It's usually about that time I get up so I watch it when I'm eating my cereal. My enjoyment for this show used to be ironic, but I actually genuinely like watching it now - like darts really, I used to watch that because I was fascinated by how physically appalling and common the players were, but then one day I had to admit I quite enjoyed watching the game.

So anyway, I've found Star Trek: TNG is the perfect TV show accompaniment for when you're eating cereal. It's the only Star Trek series I like, I'm not a Trekkie, I need to make that absolutely clear. Couple of things I'd like to discuss about the show before I have some warm milk and possibly a wank before a go to bed. Wait,.... did I say wank then? I meant biscuit.

So yes, this show is now over 20 years old, but the Enterprise still looks futuristic. The interior looks a bit like Magnum's Ferrari with the tan leather, but apart from that it's impressive looking stuff still.

I'm sure the touch screen panels were all the inspiration Steve Jobs needed for the iPhone and Picard's little laptop computers look very Appley to me.

I tell you what though, if I could have two things for Christmas I'd have a replicator so I never had to go to the Co-op again and I'd have a holo-deck. If I had those two things that would effectively end my contribution to the world cause you'd never see me again.

I'd spend all my awake time in that holo-deck. I gave this some serious thought last night when I was in bed. I thought about where I'd go, who I'd meet and obviously which female celebrities I'd get a blowie off first. I settled in the end for Sylvie Kristal from those 70's Emmanuel films and also Princess Diana.

I felt it wouldn't be appropriate to choose anyone who I didn't know for sure was an accomplished cocksmith, so I chose two of the 20th centuries randiest knob jockeys. You see, with something like a holo-deck you're faced with many ethical dilemmas. It's a moral mine field I tell you, a damned mine field.


So yes, once I'd regained my composure from those experiences and had a glass of lucozade and a mars bar, I'd then programme in the last game at Highbury on May 2nd, 1992 before they knocked down the North Bank, but I'd give the last game before they made the Clock End all-seater a miss though as we lost to Tottenham, which I think is the last time they beat us in the league in 1993.

I was always a Clock End Gooner what with how hard core I am and everything, it's my spiritual home, but I was happy not to be at that game in which incidentally, we had a second team out cause we were in both cup finals that year (and won them) when they still meant something.


I'd also have lunch with Socrates and I'd go to Dallas on November 22nd, 1963 and stand by the grassy knoll to see if anyone was behind the fence. With the computers extensive files of the Kennedy assassination I'm sure it can recreate the shooting and put gun men where it thought they must have been in order to shoot him in the shoulder and then blow his head off.

I really gave this some thought as you can see. You know why, it's cause I ate curry before I went to bed. I can never sleep when I eat curry really late, not unless I've had 12 pints of Belgian lager too. Can you tell what I've eaten tonight? I better have some milk, just milk though, I'm not in the mood for a biscuit.

Make it so.