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I'd say it's time we focused on something more positive, so from Richard Keys, the horrible hairy cunt of the now, let's move on to my Man of the year award, which for 2008 is actually a boy; the first boy ever to receive this coveted award.

Shame really as the prize is 24 cans of Kestral lager which I'll have to drink now as they'll go off if I leave them for eight years until young Ben's old enough to down them himself.

Young Ben Spratling, who has overcome enormous adversity in being born in Norwich and with a stupid last name, has become the first cub scout in the history of the organisation to earn all 33 achievement badges!

Fucking shit hot Ben, well done geezer. No mean feat is that...one of my greatest ever regrets was not having the motivation to earn the gold arrow when I was a cub. I didn't want to do the swimming part or the camping cause I was a great big blouse. Well no such compunctions for young Ben.

Ben's mother Debbie Spratling, who has no idea who Ben's real father is, had this to say, "I've obviously lucked out with Ben's father..whoever it was that had me up against that Kebab van the night I was knocked up must have been a right fucking little Yoda."

Unfortunately it seems Ben's older brother's paterfamilias lottery ticket wasn't a winner. "Darren can't tie his own shoe laces," explained Debs, "and he's 24 next week. Still, mustn't grumble."

Among his acheivements Ben lists his "Animal carer" and "Emergency aid' badges as the most valuable. "It means I can take care of my brother see, cause he's basically a dog and I'll be able to put him down when the time comes."

To be fair, I made up the last three paragraphs. I am genuinly impressed though with Ben's achievement and I will toast Ben 24 times when I neck his lager.