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Barry Dawson, 56 from Radford near Coventry has confessed to friends that his obesity is not down to a liver condition; rather simply, he is just a fat bastard. Dawson, who works in West Bromich as an Estate Agent, hid his secret from close friends since childhood, but finally decided to reveal his all after the weight of the lies became far greater than the weight of his huge gut.

“I couldn’t keep it up loike,” said Barry. “My loife since I were a kid has been a pack of lies, so I just said to myself, alrooit, enough is enough, I can’t keep lying to everyone, including myself. So I got me mates together and told ‘em straight loike.”

On hearing the truth, that the huge chunks of flesh hanging off Barry’s bones were in fact the consequences of seven meals a day rather than a life threatening liver disease, Barry’s close circle of friends felt relieved his life was only in danger from heart disease and high cholesterol rather than a rapidly dissolving liver, but there was also a palpable sense of betrayal.

Mary Dangleflex 48, a close friend of Barry’s since they trapped off together down the grave yard when they were teenagers, explained her mixed emotions: “At first oi didn’t know what to feel. I’ve knooown Barriii for over thirty five years and I never had any secrets wiv ‘im, so this really ‘urt it did, it really ;urt. But I’m glad ‘is liver is ok though loike.”

Barry’s best friend, Wayne Cack, 55, also felt let down by his deception. “Oi remember once we had a flat tyre on the M6 and we let Barry steer, whoile me and the wife pushed the car for four miles to the nearest garage. Barry said his liver would burst if he pushed so we let him steer. The woife was six months pregnant at the toime too, but we love Barry and we didn’t want ‘im to ger’urt loike.

“When he first told us the truth I wanted to smash is bloody face in loike, but ‘e’s a mate isn’t he, so what can you do? It was ‘ard for ‘im to tell us the truth, but ‘e’s done it now and it’s water under the bridge, I forgive ‘im. I’m not sure the woife will though, she shit herself pushing that car, it was an hell of a mess,” laughed Wayne.

The real tragedy in Barry’s story is thousands of fat bastards like him are telling similar lies not just in poor horrible areas like Birmingham, Coventry and the North, but in affluent nice areas in the south, where children play in the street, unaware of the lies that lurk behind the curtains of their fat neighbours.