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LONDON – After taking a small nap while his son Leo drew pictures with a black marker pen, Prime Minister Tony Blair announced today plans to combat teasing in Primary schools using military force if necessary. In a typically passionate speech with lots of pregnant pauses and hand gestures and some sips of water he declared his Government would now begin taking the fight to the bullies.

“Bullies continue to use name calling and physical intimidation and also exploit the sexual naivety of classmates to tease, causing mild discomfort among many thousands of our children.

“Accusations of having poo breath, inflicting nipple cripples and causing confusion and embarrassment by asking if a child is a homo-sapien are all examples of teasing which can cause mild discomfort for up to 45 minutes. Further more, the proliferation of group pointing and ‘eeeeew-ing’ at a child accused of having nits leads us to the conclusion that no longer can we sit back and allow this to continue.

“But, you may ask, ‘why should we care?’ Simply because if we are to ignore this threat to our children then the confidence of the bully will grow and the propagation of his exploits will extend to adolescent and adult life.

“Finally, I say to those who doubt the existence of the threat, look at the regimes of Norman ‘Gripper’ Stebson, Imelda Davies, Francis ‘Mauler’ McCaul and others from Grange Hill and the ridiculous behaviour of Alan Sugar for a clear illustration of the historical and on-going threat of teasing.

“I say to you, we must not shirk our responsibilities. Those involved in teasing must understand that it is no longer to be tolerated. Should it continue, and diplomatic channels all exhausted, I hope this House, as it has in our history so many times before, will not shrink from doing what is necessary and right.