Voy Por Ustedes

For a nation so obsessed with the weather we all seem so completely incapable of dealing with it. I've had to have a pot noodle for lunch today because every which way out of my street is blocked either by snow, or by car pile-ups caused by people who don't have the good sense to adjust their driving style according to the conditions.

In the summer when the temperature reaches 30c we’re quite happy to allow our pensioners to sit indoors with all the windows closed wearing a thick woolly cardigan and seem genuinely shocked that they decompose within days.

People go out jogging in a hurricanes and end up being swept under an eighteen-wheeler and again, people seem genuinely shocked. The only weather we can cope with is rain, and that’s because it rains eight days out of ten. We’re still under hosepipe ban conditions mind.

There are only four schools in the country open today, only three offices and a single pub in Taunton. We all should have known global warming was bollocks as soon as Tony Blair said there was unequivocal evidence of its existence.

The more forward thinking countries would now be looking ahead to a few days time when the snow melts, making provision for the inevitable flooding which will also close businesses and cost cazillions more in lost revenue. We on the other hand, will spend this time making snowmen.

I predict next Monday I still won’t have access to the shop selling the delicious taco’s I have come to love, because my town will be under four feet of water; water incidentally, that will be allowed to just dry up over the course of a week or two rather than be collected up with some sort of pumping gizmo and filtered and stored in half empty reservoirs to prevent a hose pipe ban in the summer.

Or it will be allowed to freeze creating more chaos as people again fail to incorporate even a snifter of common sense into their thinking as they Mario Andretti their way to work in 4x4s, killing children and lollipop ladies in equal measure.

I don’t actually care about the environment, or the hosepipe bans (I don’t even own a watering can) and I don’t even care about all the little fuckers who spray my windows (and me when I wave my fist at them) with snowballs when they should be at school learning how to not spell and I definitely couldn’t give a toss about lollipop ladies who firmly believe a car should be forced to screech to halt so a kid can get home 15 seconds faster.

I do however, care about my lunch. A man cannot live on Pot Noodles alone. Jesus Christ on roller-skates I’m not a fucking student. If I don’t have access to a Mexican chicken taco and a copy of the Racing Post on a daily basis I may as well just bally well give in. That’s what I always say.