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I don't place too much stock in those Heath Robinson spirometery lung function tests. All those numbers and percentages don't amount to a hill o' beans in practical terms. My lung function may have increased or decreased by a percentage point here and there, but that's not gonna tell me if I can walk to Argos from the car park now is it?

A year or two ago I devised a test which I consider to be a far better gauge of my current state of health and a far more reliable indicator of infections developing sneakily from within. I call it; Calculating Lung-function In Terms Of Repose In Supermarkets; or CLITORIS for short.

Essentially it's an aisle by aisle indicating system. For example, if I can make it all the way over to the Deli counter without a rest then I'm fine. If I have to stop by the dairy section, then I'm trouble as that is right by the entrance.

Today I found I was able to make it all the way to the Post-office at the back of the store with a package that weighed about the same as two cats and a pair of wellies and I felt ok. Although I did nearly piss myself on my way home laughing at something which we won't go into. This apparently may be down to a slack pelvic floor and I shall be doing some exercises later on to tighten it up.

So er...anyway, did you need to know any of this? Probably not, but do use this evaluation if you're ever concerned about your pulmonary capability. The End.