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Every February 14th Valentines Day sends millions of men into a blind panic as they rack their brains and comb the tabloids and the intraweb for ideas on how to be romantic. Unfortunately, those poor souls have already failed and if you are one of them, there is no hope for you because you see dear mongoloid, if you behaved any differently today towards your significant other today than you do the other 364 days of the year then you can never be romantic, you’re relationship is worthless, YOU are worthless from a romantic point of view anyhoo.

Those that actually need be told when and how to be romantic should ask themselves why they are even bothering with the relationship in the first place. Surely the point of affiliating yourself with a young miss is because you somehow see them as special and consequently ought to be treating them accordingly. My research and experience has shown that the essence of romance is something a man can’t ever truly define, but you don’t actually need to. Your woman (don’t ever call her this) understands that the entire concept of romance is alien to you and will afford you an awful lot of latitude with your attempts at being so. The key here is not the gesture, but the sincerity behind the gesture and your gesture whatever it may be, should be fun for both parties. Relationships are after all, meant to be enjoyable. They rarely are, but they should be.

Let’s look at some examples. Cooking a meal for her is not romantic. I don’t care what anyone says, it isn’t. Not if she cooks the other 364 days of the year. This would be like her mowing the lawn once a year (I mowed the lawn Richie. Gee, thanks). Also, if it is only an annual thing, you won’t be any good at it, and the meal will taste like shit and most importantly, you won’t want to do it. You’ll be doing it out of obligation; there is no sincerity behind the gesture. Remember romance should be fun for both parties. Also, you don’t want to feed your woman. Calories are the nemeses of the female figure and they should be your enemy too. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips etc.

Which leads us nicely onto example number 2. Chocolates. Chocolate is a narcotic to a woman. You should no more give a woman chocolate than you should give her crystal meth. There is nothing good that can come from giving your woman chocolate. Not for you, not for her. A good alternative is warm custard, spread liberally over her abdomen, and delicately licked off …delicately..just lightly with the tongue, in the belly button, softly..,,,erm..cough…grrrr stop it FOCUS RICHIE!!

Example number 3. Flowers. Flowers are a cliché, but I’m a fan of the giving of flowers. Flowers are beautiful. Flowers are uplifting. The power of the flower is not in doubt; it’s how they are delivered which determines whether or not they are a romantic gesture. Do not buy flowers from a petrol station and dump them on the table when you get home from work. If I need to explain why you shouldn’t do this, you should stop reading now and just go away. I can’t help you.

Do not order flowers from an intraweb site and have a fat hairy man deliver them in much the same way as the previous example. Again, if you truly believe that nothing says I love you like a fat delivery man in a van forcing a bouquet of flowers into your girlfriends hands and asking her to “sign here treacle”, then you should also stop reading.

Intraweb flower delivery is no more romantic than a computer nerd knocking out a poem in binary. Actually, I like that (note to self, knock out a poem in binary later on). If you want to buy flowers, deliver them personally. If you don’t have time, do it when you do have time. Just because it’s Valentines Day, it doesn’t make the gift any more romantic…in fact, it makes it less so.

This brings me back to my original point. If you need to be told when and how to be romantic, you have no business being in a relationship at all. What you want is sex isn’t it? Sex and feeding. Fair enough, but at least be honest about it. Don’t try and pretend you care if you don’t, just be single and shag at the weekends. If you don’t really care about your woman she will realise this. She’ll either not care as she’s the desperately insecure type who just needs to be with someone, anyone, regardless of how healthy and loving the relationship is, or she will dump you, in which case you’ll be single anyway.

What I’m trying to say here is that Valentines Day, the whole frickin concept is a fallacy. By definition, any attempt to be romantic on this day is not romantic, precisely because it’s an attempt. It’s all out of obligation. The genuinely romantic people avoid this day like the plague. Pepe the Pew for example, saw Feburary 14th as a day of rest. Not once did he hound his unrequited love on this day as he did not want his gestures tainted with insincerity. Ok so Pepe Le Pew was essentially a stalking rapist, but you get my point.

Speaking of which, one final point on why Valentines Day ought to be avoided. It encourages stalking. Anonymous letters, gifts, cards etc are essentially the tools of the stalker. It’s the one day of the year where this is seen as romantic rather than how it should be viewed, which is both creepy and disturbing, an apt description for the day as a whole, that’s what I always say.

Romance is an expression of the love you have for someone. The way you choose to express it is really irrelevant. It just needs to be sincere. One should not be drawing schematic heath Robinson style diagrams on how to woo ones nearest and dearest. Valentines Day is to romance, what the Christmas period is to good will and if you’re like me, the scars of the last Christmas period will still not have healed.