I've made a dietary miscalculation. I've eaten a chicken spring roll at 3:30am and miscellaneous Chinese left-overs. I'll be up all night now. I feel like I've got a great big lump of a thing gestating within me. I've only just these last few hours finished digesting that steak and ale pie I ate some days ago. I shall need quite a large measure of Andrew's liver salts to help me work all this through my system.
Speaking of a large measure of Andrews - I was watching the Sound of Music this afternoon as someone had left it on my Sky + and I switched it on by accident - so anyway yes, it's that song about tea being a drink with jam and bread; jam and bread? Is it fuck.
Tea is a drink with a full English breakfast or if you're at work, a nice biscuit. I don't care if that doesn't fit in the song, those continental breakfasts will get you into a load of trouble. Once you start eating jam and bread with tea you're just a few short steps away from eating straight bananas and marching into Poland. That's what I always say. I'd fuck her though wouldn't you - Julia Andrews? I'd jam her bread for her or something - you know what I mean, whatever, Neal's better than me at the violent misogyny.
I'll give you a spoonful of my medicine bitch
In other news, the woman across the street from me is starting to get on my nerves. Every time I come home she stands on her front step and watches me park my car. It's weird. She looks at me like I'm taking a piss or doing something obscene. I'm not the best parker, but I'm not an obscene parker either.She never says anything, she just watches me and when I go inside she goes inside too. I want to ask her what her freakin problem is, but usually when I come home I've got food and don't want it to get cold. Also she might be one of those knife stabbing mentalists I've been reading about in the Daily Mail so I shall have to live in ignorance, but at least be alive.
I think there's a lesson in that for us all. Good morning.
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