Voy Por Ustedes

You turn your back for a week and what happens? Nothing, the planet is still full of shite. Apparently science boffins have discovered a planet "just like Earth", and they're all very excited about it. Why? Well, because it might have liquid water on it. And this is important for what reason? Because they think life needs liquid water. Okie dokie then, so you think there's life on this planet; this is relevant to any of us because? Erm...well because it means we're not alone.

Ok stop right there. In fact, fuck off. This is so much bollocks and nonsense it's making me gag. Finding water on some planet that is so incomprehensibly far away that none of us will ever actually see it let alone experience it is not exciting. It's only water anyway. I saw nearly 500 litres of the stuff in the Spar today and I wasn't aroused in the slightest.

And who says we're alone? I'm not alone. There's six billion other people on this planet. Most of them were in the Spar shop this afternoon; and all trying to pay with the exact change too, inconsiderate bastards. If there's a whole population of these people on some other planet that can only be a bad thing for the universe as far as I'm concerned.

We're also not alone as a species. There's a cabillion other species on this planet. Most of whom we know nothing about. So can we not introduce ourselves to them before we shuffle off to planets 700 gazillion light years away to find new and interesting folk? To be fair if there is life on other planets, we don't want to meet it. Those planets are freezing, if there's anything on it, it'll be huge hairy killer bears. It won't be lizards, those dudes are cold blooded. It'll be meat eating bears with paws the size of hot air balloons. Even if they're friendly, a hug from one of those critters will tear you to pieces.

I can only assume this discovery is only relevant for colonisation purposes. This is a comforting discovery because once we've destroyed this planet we can move to the new one and tear that apart.

NO! Have we not learnt that colonisation is a bad thing? How many countries have to have their empires dismantled humiliatingly before we concede that we ought not to go around stealing other peoples territories? And anyhoo, I'm not too good at maths these days but by my calculations we'll have destroyed this planet looooooong before we've developed the technology to transport people and animals and plants Noahs arc stylee to some other planet.

It's bollocks. All of this exploration of space is bollocks. It's completely irrelavent to any human being. Most of us can only last 80 years, so this discovery means nothing to the next 20 generations. Even it were possible to build a ship that can travel those kind of distances you're talking a 20 year journey (assuming we're able to travel at the speed of light). Everyone will die from DVT, or boredom or go insane. Have you ever stayed in for three days? People go crazy on bank holiday weekends. It's the only time people are glad to be back at work. You can't keep people in one enclosed space for twenty years. See prison experiences for examples of why not.

I hate to be a killjoy. But this whole field of science is a total waste of genius. Can those science boffins not turn their attentions to solving this planets problems? Disease? Global warming if it exists? Poverty? Ginger hair? There's a cornicopia of shite to sift through before you need to worry what might be out there. Was the aeroplane invented before the bicycle? The Harvey Wallbanger before mead?

NO! Priorities scientists, priorities. In fact, before you even begin with the science I'd tackle social skills first. Learn how to dress yourself. Learn how to bathe, how to brush your hair. How to have a normal conversation with a beautiful woman. How to match your socks. How to pick out frames in an opticians which don't make you look fucking stupid. How to eat without spilling your peas over the table cloth and your soup down your front. How to shit, in the toilet.

What I'm trying to say is before one tackles the final frontier, let's have a bash at the first frontier shall we, i.e. being human.

"Before one learns to fly, one must first learn to walk and run"-- Nietzsche

I don’t care what anyone says, Panda’s should be extinct by now. You can’t keep a species going just cause they look cute. They’re possibly the dumbest animals on the planet with the exception of Lions who for some absurd reason appear to be scared of chairs.

Panda’s are vegetarians by choice. They should be carnivorous like all other bears, but have chosen to eat bamboo only. They have to eat bamboo for twelve hours a day because it has practically zero nutritional value and this insistence on a bamboo only diet means they are also unable to hibernate as they can’t store enough food in their wee caves, or fat in their bodies.

Female Panda’s have two, that’s TWO, fertile days a year, which is why it’s so difficult to get them up the duff and if that wasn’t enough, they’re native habitat is China. Go to any normal, or comparatively normal Chinese household and ask for a ham sandwich; they’ll look at you like you just asked for a plate of shit, but ask them if they’ll knock you up a unicorn burger and they’ll get right on it.

A country who’s population have an insatiable appetite for exotic foods or basically anything that’s on the endangered species list is no place for the last remaining Giant Panda’s to mooch about without the ability to defend itself as it’s lost the instinctive taste for blood and fear of man like a Grizzly or Brown bear.

Nature is practically busting a gut to get rid of these things. Natural selection has never made its intentions to do away with a species so clear. Why do we interfere? We keep them going because they’re cute. It’s not our place to do it, but we will because they make us go aaahh. It’s pathetic.

Lions might be stupid, but at least they’re not sentimental. Lions would be picking Panda out of it’s teeth in seconds if they bumped into them on any given prowl; quite right too. There’s a lesson in there for us all. Come on human race, don’t get in nature’s way. It’s not our planet so it’s not our place to save it. We don’t even understand it enough to even know if we are saving it. I’m quite sure we’re only doing more harm to the place despite our best intentions.

Often I ponder whether or not I really can play poker and how I might fare in the big games in the WSOP (World Series of Poker) against the best. Then I see something like this, and I feel like selling a kidney and getting on the next plane to Vegas. This is Jennifer Tilly. They say she's an actress, but she does actually have a WSOP bracelet. For the none poker players out there, that's a big deal.

If you don't know how to play poker you'll have to take my word for it that this is one of the dumbest plays in the history of the game considering the level she's playing at and the company she is in at this table. As you can see from the players reaction, they're stunned by her enormous boobs, as most people usually are, but on this occasion it's not the ones fighting to bust out of her frock, it's the mistakes she's made on every betting street.

It is very unhealthy to obsess about money and wallow in envy, but it makes me dry wretch that she can win a couple of thousand dollary-doos in a WSOP event and yet still be capable of making plays like this.

I was already pondering a trip to Vegas for this years event and accepting the financial encumbrance and physical consequences it may involve. This sort of thing just makes the trip seem all the more enticing.

Next to child murderers and cruise ship entertainers, the people I hate most of all on this Earth are people who can't be arsed to park properly. I'm not talking about parallel parking under pressure on a steep gradient, I'm just talking about positioning ones car between two clearly marked lines.

It irritates me because if you have to park next to them you're forced to straddle the lines also and when the original inconsiderate sum'bitch drives off, your car is left isolated and looking like it has been parked by Stevie Wonder and numerous dirty looks are aimed at you when you return to your car.

Now you may think this isn't worth worry about. But it does have wider implications. This lazy lack of consideration for others is what has caused the decades of conflict between the Israeli's and the Palestinians since the state of Israel was founded after the second world war.

The British Empire parks itself in the middle east, not paying an awful lot of attention to borders and territories because it's basically only staying for five minutes and who cares. Consequently the Israeli's turn up just after the British pull away and they're left fighting with the Palestinians over the same piece of land.

Consequently, Israel starts arguing with Egypt in the space to the left and Jordan and Syria in the spaces to the right and while they're tearing each other to pieces, the British are back home with their shopping having tea and don't give a hoot about the mess they've left behind and the inevitable generations of blood shed.

So, next time you park you car vaguely in a parking space and decide it doesn't matter cause you're only staying for five minutes, just remember that's exactly the what the British Empire said in Palestine.

Message received and understood? Good. Now go and wash your hands, tea's nearly ready.

Obviously the Iranian Prime Minister checks my blog. I'm glad to hear it. OK now let's get to the getting. Obviously it's all very good that our people have been released, but one can't help but feel a bit of a fuss is being made of their "ordeal".

I'm not suggesting they've just spend two weeks in an Iranian Butlins, but these people are not civilian holiday makers taken captive and tortured, they're members of the British Armed Forces. And forgive me for being a little harsh, but I do get the impression that they have all behaved like a bunch of big girls blouses.

When I think of the Royal Marines, I think of men with obligatory tash's and no front teeth. Every single Royal Marine and Para who fought in the Falklands War had these features. No teeth I assume from biting the enemy. Most of the Argentine personnel were disposed of at the point of the British bayonet they say, probably because it was too frookin cold for them to fire their weapons. That's the British Army I remember.












These people were more like Teletubbies. Jumping about hugging each other when they were giving Gucci watches like it's Christmas Day. "Oooh I've got a blue one", said one guy who apparently doesn't need to shave yet.

Obviously I don't know how these men have been trained to behave when captured. I assume they are trained with this eventuality in mind. Perhaps they did everything their training taught them to do. Perhaps it's now part of basic training to thank someone for taking you hostage. And perhaps it's now standard practice to jump about like John Inman when your release is announced. And perhaps it's now considered the correct action to take when held hostage to wear suits that are three sizes too big and consent to your own humiliation and that of your country by being paraded about on television.

Alls I know is it used to be name rank and number and if you want more than that you can jolly well remember who you're talking to you dirty faced dish-dash sandal wearing baboons. Either way, this has been humiliating. More so than drawing 0-0 with Israel a few weeks ago and I think if I was a serving in Iraq at the moment, I wouldn't find this whole episode very reassuring should I find myself in a similar situation in the future.

I know the 14 sailors and marines who are being held captive by the Iranians are probably cursing their decision to let the one single woman on board do the navigating, but there's really no justification for Iran half inching them in the some sort of half-arsed political game.

As soon as young Faye Turney wound down the window of their boat and asked the heavily armed Iranian gun boat where Iraqi waters were, they were all in trouble. But again, can we not just simply say give us our fucking soldiers back right now or we'll blow your pointless country back to the stone age, which, granted is only a few a minutes historically, but you get my point.

Is this what made Britain great? Is this how we built our Empire? By ratcheting up the diplomacy? FUCKING DIPLOMACY??? RATCHET UP THE BOMBING!! Are we not still world war champions? Since when do people fuck around with our armed forces??? This makes me dry wretch. Nothing angers me more than pussy footing around when there's a legitimate excuse to bomb Arabs going begging, except maybe people who dawdle along in the middle lane of the motorway without ever looking in their mirrors.

I know we don't want Bush to have anymore excuse than is necessary to nuke Tehran, but last time I checked the Geneva convention and all that sort of shit, you're not allowed to go nicking peoples soldiers who were doing nothing more than patrolling the shores of someone else's country as part of an illegal occupation of a sovereign nation. Oh I see, yes...ah..perhaps we're not in a position to judge other nations on illegal acts of military posturing.

Still, that makes it 1-1 in my book so let's take a 2-1 lead with a Robocop style approach to securing their release. If I was Prime Minister I'd tell them to release them all, that they have 24 hours to comply and when they have released them, I'd bomb them anyway and just say it was a technical malfunction. I bet Admiral Nelson is turning in his grave.