Voy Por Ustedes

Just a couple of things I think need discussing before I put the kettle on. Most of my American readers at the moment are probably dressed ridiculously in green outfits and looking for places to drink Guinness and behave indecently, so let's take this opportunity to make fun of them.

I'm not buying into this "conversion" nonsense. Let's be perfectly honest - St Patrick, who was actually Welsh, but gave up the Welsh gig to St David - was actually more than likely a murdering c*nt. I'm sure Americans take his story literally and think that he was just some sort of Celtic snake charmer, but no.

Obviously, like the story of George and the dragon, his whole "chasing the snakes out of Oireland" is an allegorical tale and more than likely is just a very gentle euphemism for how he rounded up all the druids and burnt them, probably ate them too with some potatoes.

Now if Americans have got something against druids and think their mass slaughter is worthy of celebrating once a year by dressing up in four leaf clovers and whatever green clothing they've got in their closets, then fair enough, that might explain a lot about their love of weaponry and the general destruction of everything they come into contact with. But for me, I think it's much more likely they just think it pisses us off and being our rebellious progeny, they just want to take any tenuous opportunity to mock us.

There will of course come a time, when they realise that everything we wanted for them was in their best interests and given the state of their nation now, it won't be too long before they wish they'd never bothered with their silly war of Independence. Like all children, they thought they had all the answers and set up a nation they thought would be nothing but pure awesome.

Much like a kid who thinks it would be heaven to be able to stay up after 10pm every night and eat ice cream every single meal. You let them try it and in no time at all they're being sick and passing out from fatigue.

They soon realise that there's a very good reason why you wanted them to eat meals with all four food groups represented, insisted they go to bed at a reasonable hour and why you wouldn't let them go out dressed as batman. It was for their own good.

Of course, if America doesn't see the error of its ways soon, it'll be too late. We are as a nation in the twilight of our existence and will soon be of no more importance to the global community than Belgium and Portugal - the national demise equivalent of senile dementia in old folks.

So in summary America, enjoy your craven mocking of our once great nation. Enjoy your silly St Patrick's day if you must, but chickens always come home to roost.

It'll be no use America begging us to re-house them and feed them when we're little more than a vegetated nation sat by a metaphorical window with soup on our cardigan.

I think you know what I'm trying to say.