Voy Por Ustedes

My flying monkey's completed a level three diagnostic of the football fixtures this evening. The consequences of tonight's Premiership results will be intriguing from the point of view of the race for the title, the Champions League places and the relegation battle, but the games themselves promise to be dull affairs.

Lots of draws is what we're talking about. My fleet of elite flying monkeys completed their research in the wee small hours of Tuesday morning and with the information given below, I have placed the appropriate wagers which will allow me to purchase either a flight to Vegas and a room at the Golden Nugget, or some gold plated spinning rims for my Ford Focus - 22's as the kids say.

So without further ado, let's discuss tonight's wagers:

Manchester City's v Villa - Without Craig "KKK" Bellamy and Robinho, City have no goals in them. Also, Martin O'Neil's descent into madness appears to have accelerated since Glenn Whelan's last minute equaliser for Stoke in their last game as he has selected a plate of strawberry crumble to play a supporting midfield roll tonight. Bet - Draw

Newcastle v Manchester United - Another draw incredibly! Newcastle have no manager and no players and have had to draft in a temp called Liz from human resources to play in goal tonight, but astonishingly they eek out a draw tonight. Don't ask me how. Bet - Draw

Blackburn v Everton - Has the potential to be the most boring game in the history of the whole world. Bet - Draw

Totterington v Middlesbrough - I don't like discussing Tottnumb at length as it irritates my bowels. Suffice is to say this one ends 3-3 some how. Bet - Draw

Incredible isn't it people? Four draws from tonight's seven Premiership games. Amazing stuff. Astonishing. I've also placed a wee treble on wins for Birmingham, Hearts and Rennes * for a return of £170 which I'll use to buy some petrol and a packet of Minstrels.

*Lorient striker Pascal L'Amoustache will play tonight despite stress incontinence due to be corrected with surgery next week. His medical team have advised him not to go up for headers as he will almost certainly piss himself. Lorient have scored 60% of their goals from set pieces.