Voy Por Ustedes

Almost all the alcohol that has poisoned my system this past week has now been processed by my liver and I've just about stopped shaking enough now to type without spewing out yards of Welsh.

LLLLLLLLLady luck is an infrequent visitor to most people, but today she popped over and stayed a while. Not only did my horse win this morning, but the Spuds have just won, which means Arsenal will now remain in fourth spot.

It was an almost poetic victory. As bad as Totterington are, they were never really in any danger of being relegated because of the utter dross beneath them. So then the only real significant consequence of this result was that it has given Arsenal a huge boost in claiming the final Champions League place which is absolutely crucial for the very future of the club.


Considering Totterington's neanderthal support care more about Arsenal losing than their own club winning, one can't help but have a laugh at their expense. To make matters even worse for Villa's fans too, who, let's be fair to them, are located in one of the most unpleasant urban sprawls in the developed world, their next two fixtures are against Liverpool and Manchester United away! Arsenal on the other hand are up against Newcastle and Manchester City. Now anything can happen in those games of course, but I know who I'd rather be playing.

Finally, as we speak, I am three quarters of the way through a treble, which has seen Chelsea, Dinamo Zagreb and Grenoble already winning. We now need Standard Liege to win who are playing a team called Genk! I know nothing about Belgian football, but surely a team called Genk can't spoil such a lovely wager?


Religion now. I'm often threatened with an eternity spent in a fiery hell by weird Americans from the Bible belt when I offer an opinion or two on the literal meaning of God's word. I'm not the only one who's confused. Here a chap asks for clarification on one or two of God's laws:

For those few of you who may be unfamiliar with her, Dr. Laura Schlessinger is an abrasive conservative radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently she said, as an observant Orthodox Jew, that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a U.S. resident and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Jerry