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A newspaper called La Capitale has offered up ten reasons to hate us! Us of all people. What on Earth have we done to upset the world, besides conquering it and educating it and making it feel inadequate? Here it is, here's the article right here

1. They are self-centred. (Literally: They think they are the belly button of the world.)

I think if you look closely Belgium you'll see we are the centre of the world. Look at the map, we're at the top in the middle. Time begins in London.

2. Their language is universal. So they refuse to even try to speak ours when they get lost over here. (80 per cent don’t even want to take a phrase book on holidays with them!)... but they look at you condescendingly if you speak bad English.

Our Language is universal so it's us who are in the wrong for not learning some weird dialect that requires litres of phlegm to speak and carries with each conversation the risk of drowning, just so we don't upset the locals two weeks a year when we're asking for directions for how to get the fuck out of there? OK fair enough, but.....

3. They can't do anything like everyone else (drive on the left etc).

Erm...like speaking the same universal language? You're saying driving on the right is universal and we should change? This only applies to driving then does it, not language? You want us to speak French, but it's OK for you to bitch about driving on the left when you visit us temporarily? Hypocrites.

4. They have the worst cuisine in the world

Belgium is famous for chips and chocolate. Jog on.

5. They drink warm beer, much to the despair of even our least talented brewers.

Should we all be drinking Stella Artois and similar lagers?

6. They are such drunks! According to a study, the English drink 8 alcoholic drinks a day during the holidays.

At chucking out time when the fighting begins at taxi ranks and kebab shops and the sex begins in alleyways have these people been drinking Wychwood's Hobgoblin or Stella Artois?

7. Their climate is even worse than ours.

No it isn't.

8. Their tabloids only think about bums and scandals.

Tab•loid |ˈtabˌloid| - noun - a newspaper typically popular in style, dominated by headlines and sensational or lurid stories.

9. They unfairly knocked out the Red Devils from the 1990 World Cup... we haven't forgotten that goal, in the last second, by David Platt!

Unfair? One of the greatest World Cup goals in history was unfair? You should try playing Argentina.

10. We havent forgotten their hooligans either, responsible for the death of 39 people at Heysel in 1985.

39 Italians, not Belgians more's the petty. I think you'll find it was the wall collapsing in that decrepit stadium that killed those Juventus fans not Liverpool's fans directly. Shoddy architecture, poor workmanship, shit policing and strong aggression inducing Belgian beers were the main contributing factors.

We shouldn't be too hard on Belgium I suppose. Given that practically every European nation has rifled it's way through Belgium at one point in history or another on it's way to somewhere else, it's not surprising they've become such a bitter and twisted nation. No doubt their irrelevance and national sense of inadequacy has led to them now being the globes leading paedophiles too.

A recent poll showed that nearly 80% of all single Belgian males over the age of 35 have a bespoke dungeon underneath their homes in which they imprison children kidnapped from all over Western Europe and in many cases their own progeny. This figure up 14% from last year.

It's estimated that almost half of Belgian females will lose their virginity to a member of their immediate family and 25% of those will never see daylight. Ironically, this trend was highlighted in the Agony Aunt column "Dear Monique," of La Capitale in which a 14 year old girl asked..."Dear Monique, I am 14 years old and still a virgin, does this mean my brothers are gay?"

A Belgian paedophile yesterday

Additional**

Erm..just figured out what the second set of ten points are. They basically say despite the ten reasons to hate us they still like us and give ten reasons why: We saved them in the war, London is lovely at Christmas, our music is the best, our football is the best, our Royals are still around despite the scandals (quite right too), something about nice gardens and Scotland being pretty and Agatha Christie is awesome for making Hercules Poirot the greatest detective.

Well, OK then good. Good. Sorry about the er.. paedophile stuff then.