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I've just commissioned two small boys to clean some bird poo of the bonnet of my car, so while they're doing that I'll fill you in on the weekend's occurrences at Dusk Till Dawn.

The abbreviated version is we got pissed again and consequently our poker playing was of little consequence. Somehow though I managed to leave Nottingham with almost exactly what I arrived with, to the penny. I must have fared OK in the last cash session of Saturday night.

I was making excellent progress in the £50 freeze-out in the evening. With about 17,000 chips while the average was 7,000 the wheels came off and the car blew up. I lost three hands in succession with A-Q, A-Q and A-9. All three times I was miles ahead, in fact I was runner runner'd all three times and was left stunned and more importantly out. If one more person says "I thought you were stealing" to me this lifetime I'm afraid I can't be held responsible for my actions.

So um, from my point of view that's all she wrote. Good fun though to be fair to it. I believe the next one is being held somewhere in London. I recommend having a bash at qualifying for the main event. £10,000 to the winner this weekend, so it's worth a go.

I'm now off the sauce forever, at least when I'm playing poker. I just can't add up properly. All the shapes on the cards look fuzzy and too similar, much like the women folk - suddenly they are seem so enticing.

You think you've trapped off with a beauty and can't understand why everyone is laughing at you, then suddenly find you're actually entertaining a creature with such questionable hygiene just a few minutes of cunnilingus leaves you with a stubborn foam moustache.

That didn't happen incidentally, it was just a slight digression to serve as a warning. Don't drink and drink.