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What's the big fuss about Nelson Mandela? My Dad, instead of reading me stories, used to tell me how he was essentially a South African Gerry Adams. To others he's another Ghandi. He's somewhere in between in real terms - surely leaning more towards Jerry Adams though than Ghandi, what with his bombing campaigns and the such.

He's mates with Castro too. They play chess together. Governments conveniently ignore that when they have him over for tea and medals. He's not done an awful lot by way of intervention in Zimbabwe either has he? Uuurghhh and the shirts he wears, gaaah they're awful....Lavender in the summer? Peeeee-uke.

He hates us more - that's why he hasn't had a word in Mugabe's ear. We don't like to admit it or discuss it at dinner parties, but he hates us and we're only having concerts for him out of guilt. When he's knocking about with the Queen you can see it on both their faces. It reminds me of Chris Rock's racism thingy in Bigger and Blacker.

There's no one more racist than an old black man, cause they're the dudes who really got it in the neck with the proper racism. Torture, apartheid, persecution, slavery - all of it. If you watch Mandela when he's having tea with the Queen he's the perfect gentleman, but when he stands up to walk away you can always see him mouthing the words "fuck you biatch.'

But still though, I know he spent about 17 years breaking up rocks in a labour camp and was beaten and tortured for his 27 years in prison, but so were others who fought against oppression. Alexander Solzhenitsyn for example whose name Thatcher could never pronounce fought just as valiantly against the reds, but no one every wrote a song about him that reached number 1. And what about Zammo from Grange Hill, spent his whole school years standing up to Gripper Stepson, an inspiration to thousands of bullied nerds up and down the country - except for the bit where he became a heroine addict of course.

It's not over yet anyway, the violence in South Africa. I wouldn't go and live there anyhoo...whatever violence Mandela was meant to have prevented really just seems to have been kicked into the long grass for a spell. If I was the Queen I'd have them medals back and all the free towels when it starts to kick off again down there. And you can quote me. Finally, I think it's important we understand at this point that due to a combination of dutch lager and some night nurse, nothing I say presently or for the next 12-18 hours should be taken seriously.

Amen.