Well now, I like to make myself scarce on a Monday morning as I like to give my cleaner some space when she's tackling my filth and so I hole myself up in a coffee shop with a jolly good read and a coffee which comes in a bowl of sorts with a cup of Smarties.
On my way to said coffee place, not 100 yards from my front door, I was stopped by a man with a beard sporting a fluorescent bib with CENSUS written across the front. Nosey bastards was my initial reaction. It was too late to turn back and our conversation went something like this:
On my way to said coffee place, not 100 yards from my front door, I was stopped by a man with a beard sporting a fluorescent bib with CENSUS written across the front. Nosey bastards was my initial reaction. It was too late to turn back and our conversation went something like this:
Bearded matey boy: Good morning, I'm conducting a survey on behalf of Oxfordshire County Council.
Me: Splendid
Bearded mateyboy: Can I ask you where you've come from?
Me: My house, just there.
Bearded mateyboy: What road is that?
Me: I provide him with this information.
Bearded mateyboy: And what town is that?
Me: What town? This one...where you're standing. I live there (I point at my house).
Bearded mateyboy: Silence...pencil poised over "Town" section of his form.
Me: My house is there, it's this town..er..do you know where you are?
Bearded mateyboy: No, I don't live here.
Me: Erm ok..it's Carterton. Did they not tell you where you were going when you agreed to do this?
Bearded matey boy: Nope, just got in the van.
Me: OK well, careful, that's what John McCarthy did, he was gone for years.
Bearded matey boy: Can I ask where you're going?
Me: Witney.
Bearded matey boy: Anywhere specific?
Me: The Fleece.
Bearded mateyboy: I'll just put "Centre and Recreation."
Me: Why did you ask me for specifics then?
Bearded mateyboy: Er..that's it thank you, have a nice morning.
Couple things struck me funny with this encounter. Why had he not bothered to ask where the council were sending him? And, he'd been there a while clearly, why had he not realised by now where the fuck he was? And why ask me specifically where I was going, if he didn't actually need to know? Just putting "the centre," seemed quite the opposite of specific to me. What if I had been a sexually deplorable whoopsie and was on my way to get my arse filled in a motorway service station toilet by a long-distance lorry driver or a politician? I'd have had to confess and feel ashamed only for him to just put "Wales" as my destination and "Recreation" as my purpose.
Finally, what will the council do with this information? They didn't need my name, age, height, sex, ethnicity or sexual preference. They just had my place of departure and rough idea of my destination. I need answers too damn it.
Finally, what will the council do with this information? They didn't need my name, age, height, sex, ethnicity or sexual preference. They just had my place of departure and rough idea of my destination. I need answers too damn it.
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