Voy Por Ustedes

A public school music teacher has been sent to prison for 15 months for having an affair with a 15 year old female pupil. The court heard that trumpet mistress Helen Goddard engaged in all manner of sexual indecency over the course of the five month affair, which was initiated by the pupil at the £13,000 a year private school. The court didn't state whether "Trumpet Mistresss" was her job title or a euphemism for lesbian however.

The judge dismissed as "draconian" a request from the prosecution that the 26 year old "flute blower" be banned from contacting the "vulnerable" girl, who will be 16 later this week, for five years and declared that he would be keeping all photographic, textual and audio visual evidence for his own private research.

I don't get this people. Why is this "knicker guitarist" going to jail? Who exactly is the victim here? By my calculations and call me a beastly pervert if you will, but surely it's the teacher? I mean really people, sack her from her job for an abuse of position (ooo-er) but does she really need to go to jail and is she such a threat to our wee ones she needs to be added to the sex offenders register? What exactly is offensive about this? If anything it's mildly arousing.

Your Daily Mail reader will argue that had she been a man we'd find this appalling yet it's no different. But it is different. Of course it's different and if you don't understand why then you shouldn't be having an opinion on this in the first place. Put simply a female is obviously in a more vulnerable position when she's underneath a 14 stone man with an erect cock, than an 8 stone trumpet mistress with erect nipples.

The law needs to have some flexibility here surely. If the argument is that a 15 year old is not mature enough to know for sure whether she wants to handcuff her music teacher to the bed and wickedly flick her tongue repeatedly over her magic button, then how can she be mature enough next week when she's 16 and legal?

I'm no child psychologist but if I hark back retrospectively to my teenage age years I have to say the vast majority of the time I was quite able to judge which things I wanted to have a bash at. I may have miscalculated with the pooh bear incident, but for the most part I got it spot on.

If the argument is that the law is the law and that's it, then let's lock up about half of the teenagers in this country who can't keep their filthy mitts of each other. Surely the law exists to protect not persecute the innocent? Do we even know who was on top?

This is all very depressing if you ask me and just an extension of the hysterical obsession we and our Government seem to have in this country with paedophilia - meanwhile the Government if it had its way would be teaching five year olds how to put a Jonny on a banana!?

This is the same hysteria that has bourne that nonsense vetting register thingy we'll all have to sign if we want to have any social interaction with children.

A register which essentially identifies every adult in the country as a paedophile unless we pay for the privilege of proving otherwise.

A register which will not save a single child from being abused but will deprive them of sports clubs and social clubs and will put children in danger because we've created a culture of such paranoia that no grown man in his right mind would go near a child he felt might be in trouble in case someone accuses him of being a nonce. If you saw a wee one on this side of the road on his own and crying, would you stop to help? I know I wouldn't.

Really people, we all want to protect the vulnerable, but this isn't the way is it? This is counter-productive, emotional and silly.

This whole disproportionate fear that has engendered the nation seems to have something more to it than just protecting the wee ones though. There's some hidden component which causes people to engage in vigilante campaigns and run after police vans shepherding suspected child molesters to court. A wide reaching case of "me thinks thou dost protest too much" or just an over-enthusiastic attempt to make it absolutely clear to everyone that they don't find children in anyway sexually arousing?

Registers and campaigns and newspaper witch-hunts are not the way. Newspapers have a lot to answer for here. They know they can sell papers with these kinds of stories, but the consequences are that children are still abused but now no one can go near a child for fear of being labeled a beastly predator.

You can't walk through a park if you're a grown man on your own for example. You can't take photographs at your childs sports day, if you're even allowed to go to your childs sports day. True you never know who might be watching, but that argument applies to anything.

Just as a dirty old man might be watching the sack race - anything else can happen to anyone else at any time. Everything can happen everywhere - life is full of risks, why just focus so obsessively on one of them? There isn't a register for example for convicted knife stabbing bastards - arguably a greater threat than a grubby sexual deviant. You can't remove risk entirely from our daily lives and nor should you even try.

Apart from anything else and I'll say this quietly...you know what...don't shoot the messenger, but if a child is actually abused, apparently, it doesn't have to be the end of the world for him or her. There are exceptions of course, but the child psychology boffins say that the wee ones are quite robust enough mentally to cope with such an encounter - and for the most part they see it as silly, but are not traumatised by it as it very rarely involves force or violence.

It's the hysteria that parents and the authorities create when they hear about it these cases that causes the trauma because they then feel like something absolutely hideous has occurred even though they haven't perceived it in this way. So really if your kid is molested just tell him to go right ahead and molest the dude back, that's what I always say.

No no, I take that last bit back, just let's try and chill the fuck out is all, because this has become just another entry on the lengthy list of things that have developed in this country over the past decade or so that has made life so needlessly unpleasant. Sigh. Can't we all just get along? Well not get along hump each other - get along friends? Not like playing nice with Uncle Peter friends - just old fashioned friends friends you know? It's easy if we try.