Voy Por Ustedes

So now, I went to Oxford today to take a Mensa test. An interesting but mildly unpleasant afternoon when all was said and done. The test itself was fairly painless and although it was about two hours long it seemed to whiz by and allowed me to return home in time to see Robin Van Persie stick a couple of goals past Chelsea as I prophesied awesomely earlier. I had £7.40 left in my Skybet account at 8/1 giving me a return of £66.60. I mentioned how Arsene Wenger needed the assistance of the footballing gods, but I appear to have summoned the devil with this wager woo hoo.. anyway, I digress.

So I arrive at the test centre which was in a hotel conference room and a woman from Mensa was dishing out bits of paper. She was essentially a fifty year old version of Alyson Hannigan's character in American Pie, just with a gammy leg to add to her creepy nerdiness and ginger hair. While we waiting for the last few people to arrive she asked us all why we were interested in taking this test and joining Mensa and what we thought Mensa people did. Most people just seemed to be there curious to find out what their IQ was, but none of us had any real idea what people did once they became members of Mensa or what it might entitle us to. Or perhaps we were all just reluctant to engage this woman in conversation.

For someone representing Mensa she didn't do a very good job selling the £45 membership fee to us. "Most people think it's good to have on a CV, it isn't at all," she warned us. "Most employers won't hire someone with Mensa on their C.V. and socially it's not very impressive either as people think you're arrogant or eccentric or they think you mean MENCAP!" I doubted any of this and almost laughed out loud when she mentioned MENCAP...that was proof if any were needed that she was basing this on her own experiences. I wanted to tell her that if employers had found her an unattractive candidate and people in general had just found her unattractive, it had nothing to do with her Mensa membership.

Me thinks this was her life story laid bare. Clearly she had been subjected to a life time of ridicule for being ginger and ugly and being a nerd and later in life a gammy legged freak to boot and Mensa was the last bastion of hope for her self respect. "Mensa is basically a social club," she told us. "A society where you can meet like minded people who won't judge you for being a bit odd, or too arrogant or weird and the test can give you some much needed self confidence and we have get togethers," she continued. "Usually in pubs and they're really good fun. We have a Mensa singles club if you're looking to meet someone. I was a Mensa single until I met my husband at one of the gatherings."


I felt a bit uneasy with these disclosures. This woman really was a mess and god only knows what her husband must look like. He must have driven her to this thing today, as I had seen her earlier climbing out of the back seat of a Renault Clio, but he wasn't present though so I assumed he was tied up outside somewhere. I was half wincing now as she drew breath for what I thought would be an anecdote from the Mensa social scene. I was expecting her to tell us all how one time at Mensa camp she had stuck a set square up her pussy, but to my relief she picked up her timer and told us it was time to get started. Phew!

About 250 multiple choice questions and two hours later it was all over and there was a stampede for the exits. The Mensa woman seemed keen to discuss the test with us, but we all wanted out of there. I was elbowed in the kidney by a ten year girl as we struggled through the door, but I got away without having to talk to the limping monstrosity gathering up the papers. I also stole the Mensa pencil she gave me ...ha ha in your face Mensa!

Two weeks until I get the results, but one thing is already clear, if I am invited to join Mensa and cough up the £45 annual membership fee to become a part of their collective, I shall decline and if they pursue the matter I shall have no choice but to bash my own brains out on my door step and hope this doesn't make me an even more attractive potential member to them.