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This objection by the Iranians is exactly the sort of thing that forced me to resign from the world a few months ago. It's so much bollocks it's difficult to know where to start. The hypocrisy and sheer lunacy of that lot is truly astonishing. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said one or two controversial things in his time as Iranian president; wanting to wipe Israel off the map for example.

And capturing a bunch of British Marines and Sailors was a rather intriguing manoeuvre and this latest rambling diatribe interwoven with baffoonery and horse shit is another example of this man either being totally off his nut or one of the worlds greatest practical jokers. I can just picture him sniggering away in his office with his mates after delivering another speech about Israel or Britain or the USA. Haha, hey Ahmed, this time I told them that Allah will see Israeli blood run like river and that all Americans will perish in hell for being homosexual. Hee hee.

Anyway, apparently Salman Rusdie's knighthood is both "insensitive" and, "a provocative act." These are direct quotes. Also, and this is the thing that really made my dry wretch and laugh at the same time, "it has seriously dented the beliefs of 1.5million Muslims".

Where does one start in dissecting just how ridiculous these statements are. First of all, let's remember this all stems from Rushdie's book, The Satanic Verses. Now then. THE Satanic Verses were an interpolated passage in the Koran which suggested that Mohammad, when he was forcing everyone to convert to Islam, was tricked and duped into telling everyone that actually, Allah was probably not the only God (What!? no!) and that actually in real terms, monotheist religion is bollocks.

I know, how insulting. How dare someone suggest that, actually, there might not be an all omnipotent, omniscient all powerful sky fairy who'll offer you a place in paradise if you blow up some kids on a bus or something.

Er..anyway...so yes anyway. Rushdie's book earned him a fatwa and Muslims around the world were urged to act on this assassination warrant because of this blasphemous and unforgivable literary abomination. Obviously it didn't matter that the book was nothing of the sort and was more about Indians adapting to English society and the general tenuous validity of religion in general. It's very funny as it happens. It also has a little dig at the Ayatollah Khomeini and I suspect it was this rather than any blasphemous element to the novel that Khomeini felt deserved his execution.

Anyway. So, because of a book the Iranians and the Pakistani's mainly, are still banging on about Salman Rushdie and blah blah blah. It's really about time some one told them all just to fuck off and shut the fuck up. Apart from anything else, does anyone actually take the honours list seriously anymore? MBE's, OBE's, Knighthoods. It's just an excuse to share a cucumber sandwich with the Queen now. We don't have an Empire anymore and we certainly don't have a need for Knights. I can imagine Sir Elton John in a suit of armour, but only as some sort of perverse sexual fetish, not as a warrior rising off to slaughter the French. For fucks sake I think Teddy Sheringham was awarded something. To interpret this token award as the British Government officially calling Allah a homo, which is how the Iranians seem to have taken this is, is enough to make one sigh and go off and wash ones hands with the world once again.

And anyway, of all the "civilisations" on the planet, these two countries are the absolute last to judge anyone on sensitivity and provocative acts. Surely nicking our soldiers and suggesting Israel ought to be wiped off the face of the Earth was fairly provocative. And stoning women for adultery, that's quite insensitive isn't it? And Pakistan perpetually threatening India with nuclear weapons is fairly provocative.

As for denting the beliefs of Muslims; are you shitting me? These are people prepared to blow themselves up because they actually believe there's a paradise waiting for them afterwards and you're honestly suggesting a novel they probably never read will dent their beliefs?? They're gonna read the Satanic Verses and look to the heavens and say, oh fuck, it IS all bollocks isn't it. It's Agnosticism for me from here on in. Hey Ma and Pa, read this, Islam is total shite, it says so on pages 123 through 234. Groan.

Muslims, you really need to chill out about this blasphemy thing. If Allah is so powerful, you've got to assume two things: first of all, because of his awesomeness he's really not gonna be so insecure as to get upset over a novel which may suggest he doesn't exist. I doubt he'd even take offense to a novel which suggested he, and his prophet Mohammad, spent their evenings in public toilets sucking the cocks of truck drivers.

I really just think he's above all that sort of thing. Secondly, if he was that insecure and really did take offense, to the point that he'd want this blasphemy punished with an execution, he'd do himself wouldn't he? He wouldn't need some poor sixteen year old kid who's been brainwashed into believing in this twaddle to strap a kilo of Semtex to his waist and dive on Salman Rushdie in Sainsburys, he'd send down a bolt of lightning wouldn't he? Splattering him all over the road or something.

Muslims, it's just a book. It's just a bloody book. And also, you don't own the fucking planet. And if someone wants to suggest that religion, Islam or Christianity or Judaism, is nonsense, then I'm afraid they have the perfect right to do so. And if you don't like it, I'm afraid it's tough shit. I understand that you don't want people thinking Islam is violent and terrible and extreme, but the way to change people's minds is not to say "if you say Islam is violent we'll blow you up'" because you see, then you're just validating the accusations. You can't say to someone, "don't you dare say I'm violent or I'll kick your fucking head in."

It's really about time someone in our Government had the minerals just to tell these people to fuck off. Not in diplomatic terms, not in political rhetoric, but straight out, just fuck off. If you want to blow things and people up because of books and cartoons and chop women's heads-off for no reason whatsoever, then fair enough, but officially, your religion is tripe and all your whinging and feet stamping and tantrums will not change peoples minds on that. I can't stand to be dictated to by a bunch of religious crazies. These people are a fraction of the worlds population but seem to be running the show. When did this happen?? It's like a kid threatening to blow up his parents if they continue to deny the existence of Santa. Sooner or later the parents have got to take the power back.

Sigh, grown, hands wash.

In the meantime, The Satanic Verses is available from Amazon.com at a very reasonable price.
















Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Me thinks thou doth protest too much